You will come across a matchbook that will change your life. Inside the cover it will say "You too can be a criminal mastermind!"
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
A friend will ask you for help, but you should turn them down, silently, with a sad little shake of your head. When they ask what's wrong, sigh deeply, and mutter "nothing, it's nothing."
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Too much "musk" in that cologne - don't try it. Or if you do, bring along a few carrots for the moose.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
.syas enoyna gniht elgnis a dnatsrednu ot elba eb t'now uoy yadot, ylddO
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
A person of Irish descent will attempt to sell you something you don't especially want, today. Strive to turn the conversation to Tilapia (a type of freshwater fish) -- you'll find it's his new hobby.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
You will spend another day surrounded by idiots, or perhaps by well meaning but simple folks, who will drone on and on until your smile becomes forced, and you will begin to look like a deranged rodent.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
Good day to learn a new trick for dealing with people who come by your home to try to sell you something. Open the door v..e..r..y slowly, and squint at them. Then resume sharpening a large kitchen knife, while they are talking at you.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Remember: people who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones. It's ok to throw mashed potatoes, however.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
You will contemplate nothingness today, but somethingness will keep intruding upon your thoughts.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
This week, try to live your life based on the ad copy of a men's cologne. For example: "The mood of the sea, and the spirit of the wind" (Cool Water, by Davidoff) Or perhaps: "Disturb the equilibrium" (Catalyst for Men, by Halston)
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
Your requests are being ignored. Often you can get people to pay attention by simply adding a few words to the end of your request, such as "Pick up your socks, dear, or die screaming."
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
You will have an enormously exciting day, today, compared to your usual day. You will find the prize in the cereal box.
![biggrin :D](https://www.liverpoolfc-newkit.co.uk/images/smilies/biggrin.gif)