100 Things That Will Happen This Season
1. Rafael Benitez will have to make do with the fourth, fifth, and sixth choice players on his transfer wishlist again this summer. But, cunningly realising that it's been this way for the past two seasons, he pencils in Samuel Eto'o, David Villa and Lionel Messi in those positions. As if by magic, they sign. The supporters rejoice.
2. As a result of these world-class signings, Fergie starts his mind games early, claiming the title is now Liverpool's to lose. In mid-August.
3. Mark Viduka scores on his Newcastle debut, kisses the badge, and says that he "loves this club".
4. Sheree Kewell conducts a tell-all interview with OK magazine regarding her and Harry's sex-life, claiming that they do it at least four times a day. Liverpool supporters (not to mention Rafael Benitez) chuckle, having finally discovered the source of that troublesome groin injury.
5. It is revealed in the early weeks of the season that Steven Gerrard has been receiving nuisance calls from an unknown male. The content of the calls is revealed to be mostly heavy breathing, but the assailant occasionally asks the Liverpool skipper what he's wearing and professes his love for him in a thick Scottish accent, ending each call by screaming "OH YOU BEAUTAAAY!!!" before he hangs up. Police appeal for anyone with information to come forward on live television before an early season Sky Super Sunday. Richard Keyes and Jamie Redknapp shift uneasily and look at the floor.
6. An Everton supporter names his baby son after Toffees' manager David Moyes. "Whinging Useless Ginger Bug-Eyed
Smith" faces a life of misery.7. Speaking of Everton, the blue half of Merseyside celebrates another vintage 0-0 draw at Anfield in the early weeks of the season. Andy Johnson writes himself into the Everton history books by shaving the post at the Anfield Road end, while Tim Cahill celebrates a shot on target by running to the corner flag and doing his trademark boxing celebration.
8. Two weeks into the season, Portsmouth boss Harry Redknapp claims "we're down to the bare bones."
9. Rafael Benitez plays Steven Gerrard on the right side of midfield in a league match against Newcastle in early September. Andy Gray storms out in disgust. Jamie Redknapp hesitantly follows him..
10. In said match, Sam Allardyce doesn't see any of the record 203 fouls his new team are involved in, including new signing Joey Barton's drive-by shooting of Xabi Alonso. He does, however, spot Momo Sissoko "looking shifty" and lodges an official complaint with the FA.
11. Speaking of Newcastle, after failing to net in the three games since his debut, Mark Viduka claims his family are "unsettled" on Tyneside.
12. Down at West Ham, a decent start to the season has Alan Curbishley cracking a smile. No, really. Seriously, he does.
13. Michael Owen suffers a serious injury when he disturbs new boss Sam Allardyce licking his reflection in the mirror. He moves quickly to assure England supporters that he'll be fit for the European Championships nine months later.
14. David James’s improved form of last season appears to have been temporary as the Pompey keeper is spotted wearing the puzzled expression of a retarded monkey trying to work a laptop as the ball nestles in the net behind him.
15. A tabloid newspaper tracks down Greame Souness and Mark Lawrenson's moustaches to a love-nest in Liverpool, where they are revealed to be co-habiting and trying for a beard.
16. Lionel Messi goes a little too far down the Diego Maradona road by gaining ten stone, having an orgy with thirty Neapolitan (no, not the ice-cream) prostitutes and taking up residence in Cuba with Fidel Castro.
17. Jamie Carragher starts legal proceedings against US television station NBC, claiming that "Law" and "Order" are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
18. Arsene Wenger admits that Arsenal lost a match fair and squahahahahaha, sorry, I couldn't keep a straight face, I'm just
with you on this one, folks.19. By mid-October, Mark Viduka is issuing a "come and get me" plea to the rest of the Premiership.
20. John O'Shea stinks out Anfield in one of the worst displays ever seen in a football match. However, in the last minute, he sprints forward and receives posession deep in Liverpool territory, flicks the ball past Agger, evades Riise and Mascherano, does a Cruyff-turn around Alonso, and buries the ball in the net at the Kop end. Typical. Manchester United still lose 6-1.....
21. Jose Mourinho is shocked that he has not yet figured in E2K's
-take of what will happen this season. Don't worry, Jose, numbers 41-50 have your name written all over them.....22. Christina Ronaldo pulls off every trick she tries in a Champions League match against Real Madrid in late October. EVERY trick. EVERYTHING comes off. She sets up four goals and scores four herself in an 8-0 win, a performance which finally proves her as the best footballer in the world. The celebrations are overshadowed, however, by the joyous oinking of pigs flying overhead and Elvis Presley's post-match duet with Freddie Mercury and JFK.
23. On Halloween night, the dead arise and begin walking the streets of England. Sam Allardyce, sensing his opportunity to rebuild Newcastle’s woeful defence, immediately signs Bobby Moore. The move backfires, however, as the England legend suddenly begins to feast on Wayne Rooney’s skull during a match against Manchester United. Young Wazza escapes unharmed, thankfully, as zombies like to eat brains and he hasn’t got one.
24. Liverpool part company with their groundsman and appoint Jamie Carragher in a caretaker capacity. Visiting teams remark that they've never seen a pitch in better nick.
25. Another sex-scandal hits the Premiership, this time at Everton, where captain Phil Neville is caught having a one-in-a-bed romp.
26. Chelsea owner Roman Abramovich continues to collect players like they're Panini stickers, offering two John Terry's to Liverpool for one Steven Gerrard.
27. Police receive surveillance footage of Steven Gerrard's stalker. During an episode of Soccer AM, they appeal for supporters to be on the look-out for a "balding, high-foreheaded, self-appreciating, moronic, big-headed Scottish
who thinks he knows everything about football". Alan Shearer is immediately eliminated from their enquiries. He's not Scottish.....28. In a mid-season, unsanctioned charity UFC bout, Liverpool legends enjoy an easy victory over Chelsea legends, with Gianfranco Zola completely outnumbered seventy-two to one.
29. Christina Ronaldo's Manchester United teammates buy her a sex-change operation for Christmas. She begins 2008 as a man.
30. Mark Viduka moves to Sunderland on loan. He scores on his debut, kisses the badge, and says that he "loves this club".
31. Slur Alex Ferguson loses his sponsorship deal with Wrigley's after being spotted chewing another brand of gum. Sam Allardyce is favourite to take over as the company's spokesman.
32. Speaking of Big Sam, the Newcastle manager vehemently denies accusations that he only signed Mark Viduka to make his own physique look better in comparison. Which it does, haha.
33. Pepe Reina, not busy as usual, scratches his balls in the goalmouth during a Boxing Day match against Chelsea at Stamford Bridge, releasing a pube into the air which strikes Arjen Robben on the halfway line. With Liverpool's keeper sent off for GBH, Jamie Carragher goes in goal, saves five penalties, puts in twenty-seven last-ditch goal-saving tackles, and scores the winner in a crucial 1-0 victory. He gets sent off in the last minute for head-butting the Chelsea winger. Rafa goes back on his pledge from two years earlier, and does not visit him in hospital.
34. Everton secure another 0-0 draw against Liverpool at Goodison Park. The Toffees draw up plans for a DVD boxset of their three 0-0 draws in a row with their neighbours, branding it "3 Is The Tragic Number". David Moyes immediately assumes the nickname "006". Not exactly "007," but it's the closest a stupid ginger
like him will ever get.35. Steve Bruce is voted the sexiest Premiership manager by a gay magazine. Because his face looks like an
.36. Luis Garcia, missing for two months, is finally found hibernating in Roy Keane's beard by American troops, who have mistaken the Sunderland manager for Osama Bin Laden. Keane, whose ankle was broken by Garcia in his final match for Manchester United, is heard to say "Take that, ya cuntcha!!!" as he kicks seven shades of
out of the dimunitive Spaniard.37. Gary Neville signs for Liverpool during the transfer window.....haha, that one will give you nightmares tonight. In other news, Steve Finnan rents a helicopter and literally pisses all over the Manchester United right-back from a great height, just like he does on the pitch week-in, week-out on a figurative basis.
38. Despite being rooted to the bottom of the table at Christmas, manager Chris Hutchings tips Wigan to stay up for one more season - Spring.
39. Mark Viduka refuses to play in a game for Sunderland because of a troublesome calf - it refuses to leave the house to do its business and has been peeing on the rug. Manager Roy Keane threatens to break its neck. Viduka plays.
40. Chelsea defender John Terry takes up a part-time job as a male prostitute. Come on, we all knew he enjoys handling balls.
41. Which brings me on nicely to Jose Mourinho. As promised, the next ten are all yours, Jose. Let's start with an obvious one. Chelsea are given NO penalties all season. None. Not ONE. Despite Drogba and Robben's best Willem Defoe (from Platoon) impressions in the penalty area.
42. It emerges during Chelsea's difficult start to the season that Mourinho may have been drawing his managerial power from his famous overcoat all along, after the garment in question is stolen from the dressing-room by a rival manager during a pre-season friendly. Barcelona immediately install the offender, Mick McCarthy, as their new manager. The former Ireland boss is handed a £70m transfer budget. His first signing is Gary Breen. Barca quickly realise their mistake.
43. As the season gathers pace, Mourinho reveals in a frank interview that his ultimate dream is to die in his own arms. In a room full of mirrors. Naked and smothered in butter.
44. In the same interview, he talks about the inspiration behind his famous celebratory touchline walk on his knees at the Nou Camp last season as Chelsea nabbed a 2-2 draw from the jaws of defeat. This part of the interview cannot be printed, however, as the things he and his team got up to in a Singapore bath-house two summers ago are deemed to infringe on common decency.
45. Mourinho complains bitterly that the sun is always in Uranus when Liverpool draw away from home in every second European game during a full moon. Many are heard to reply that the moon is not all that's in his anus (*coughfranklampardscockcough*)
46. The Chelsea boss is delighted as Roman Abramovich finally buys the history of a more successful club. Having been rebuffed by Liverpool, Arsenal and Manchester United, however, Chelsea have to make do with Everton's. Needless to say, Mourinho is confused and disappointed when he discovers that Chelsea's major honours now include "63 Victories Over Liverpool - IN ALL COMPETITIONS, BABAAY!!!"
47. Jose's face becomes so smug that it collapses in on itself. It takes a team of surgeons seventeen hours, twelve steel plates, and thirty steel screws to put it back together again. And plenty of stitches to sew their sides back up.
48. By Christmas, the FA are so sick and tired of Mourinho's conspiracy theories regarding referees that they decide to act. In an ironic (and merciless) turn of events, they bring Jeff Winter out of retirement and assign him every Chelsea match for the rest of the season.
49. They called him paranoid, but Jose finally gets the proof next season that what he said about that shameless voyeur Arsene Wenger is true when he catches the Arsenal boss at the window taking photos of him and his wife making love. The Chelsea boss, fully aroused and fuming, makes a mad dash for Wenger, running into the window in the process. His nose hits first. And he doesn't have a big nose.....
50. Scientists make contact with the Chelsea boss, confident that they can solve the world's energy problems by using a high-tech apparatus to covert his sense of self-satisfaction into electricity. The invention is not without its risks, however, as hooking Alex Ferguson up to the machine simultaneously would result in a blast as powerful as twenty Hiroshimas.
51. One of Mourinho's players, Andriy Shevchenko, leads the Premiership scorers list at the end of January. In other news, Isla Fisher, Gail Kim and Trish Stratus star with E2K in the remake of "Debbie Does Dallas," produced and directed by William Shakespeare. The movie takes 27 gazillion dollars on its first day at the box office, and is critically acclaimed. Shevchenko sucks, is what I'm trying to say here.
52. Neil Warnock's wife is mugged in Sheffield. Rafael Benitez is taken in for questioning.
53. The mystery of the huge crop circles discovered at Wigan's JJB is solved when they are found to match the exact turning-circle of David Unsworth.
54. In mid-February, Garth Crooks finally finishes a question. BBC fire him.
55. Chelsea are involved in a roasting scandal. When asked about it by the press, Joe Cole responds that he's sure the lads weren't anywhere near the canteen when the potatoes were burned.
56. Everton boss David Moyes pays £4m for an experienced, pacy Italian. Toffees fans are rather disappointed, however, when he shows up to training in a second-hand Fiat Punto.
57. No sooner has he arrived at Sunderland than Mark Viduka clashes with the groundsman after his lack of pace leaves a glistening, slug-like trail across the pitch.
58. Tom Hicks invites his buddy George W. Bush to Anfield. Having
off Rafael Benitez by asking him "aren't you the sarcastic one from Teenage Mutant Hero Turtles?" and spent three hours looking for Donatelo, Leonardo and Michelangelo, the President of the United States makes his way to the Sky gantry, where he confuses the notoriously hairy Richard Keyes with Splinter and accuses Andy Gray of being Krang. Guest pundit Gary Mac restrains him as Secret Service agents administer a tranquiliser.59. A shocking off-the-field incident tragically cuts short Craig Bellamy's career. He signs for Birmingham City.
60. Neil Warnock's wife chips a nail. Montse Benitez's hands are put under twenty-four hour police guard.
61. Middlesbrough consider changing their club badge to a two-pin plug in order to more accurately reflect the electric atmosphere in the Riverside Stadium.
62. Liverpool commence another march through Europe's finest, though once again they're very lucky. They have an easy draw against the likes of Real Madrid, Barcelona, AC Milan, Manchester United and Chelsea, and having scored twenty-seven goals and only conceded two en route to the final, their record is
. Lucky .63. Speaking of the Champions League, Jose Mourinho spends hours and days and weeks trying to wind up Rafael Benitez before the two clubs meet in another semi-final, insulting his wife, his team, his daughters, his religion and his appearance. Rafa responds with one succinct and perfectly-timed comment regarding his Chelsea counterpart. Liverpool win the match.
64. Desperate not to lose the Premiership as well, Mourinho enlists Stone Cold Steve Austin, The Rock, Bret "Hitman" Hart, "Macho Man" Randy Savage and Triple H as an insurance policy. All is going well at first, until Rafa's assistant Pako Ayesteran apporaches the men, introduces himself as the Premiership's head writer and tells them that they're booked to lose tonight. Neighbours Fulham end up beating them 22-0.
65. Meanwhile, Slur Alex's Manchester United keep themselves in contention with a 1-0 win over Arsenal at Old Trafford, Cristiano Ronaldo scoring in the 90th minute.....of injury-time.
66. Rio Ferdinand's home is broken into. The thieves steal many valuable items, but it's the loss of his book collection that Rio feels the most. "I hadn't even finished colouring in most of 'em," he moans.
67. Gerard Houllier admits to being involved in transfer fraud. "It's true," he says," I did get Birmingham to pay £6m for Emile Heskey." When pushed further, he also admits to paying £14m for Djibril Cisse and £11m for El-Hadji Diouf, though no sane person on Earth can bring themselves to believe the latter.
68. Having finally been outed as Steven Gerrard's stalker, Andy Gray is sentenced to community service: using his forehead as the screen at a Merseyside cinema three times a week.
69. During a crucial match at Old Trafford in April, Alan Smith pulls a tube of lipstick out of his handbag and re-applies, then pulls out a pistol and empties the clip into Dirk Kuyt in the United penalty area. Referee Mike Riley waves play on. Kuyt is rushed to hospital, where he is pronounced dead.....lucky that Alan Smith couldn't hit a cow's
with a banjo.70. This is number seventy. The number of defeats Everton boss David Moyes will blame on a referee next season. And since Everton only play forty games a season on average, they couldn't possibly lose seventy games. Try and work those numbers out, if you can. Go on, try. You can't. That's how much of a tool he is. He defies mathematical logic.
71. Rio Ferdinand, meanwhile, wins a lucrative sponsorship deal as the new face of Pedigree Chum.
72. After failing to win since his arrival on loan at Sunderland, Mark Viduka goes AWOL, claiming mental exhaustion. Roy Keane's face is a picture.
73. Osama Bin Laden is back in the news in April, attempting to get his hands on weapons of mass destruction. David Moyes immediately issues a hands-off warning regarding Lee Carsley and Tim Cahill.
74. An argument breaks out in the Wigan dressing-room as manager Hutchings, having watched his team go winless for weeks, finds that someone has taken a dump on the floor of the showers. "Who's
on the floor?!" he demands. "I am," replies Emile Heskey, "but I'm not bad in the air."75. Everton change the colour of their away kit next season to more accurately reflect their attitude towards their neighbours Liverpool - green with envy.
76. Liverpool's run to the FA Cup Final is a funny one. Their quarter-final against Manchester United is the biggest game of the season - until Liverpool win. Then "it's only the FA Cup". The semi-final against Arsenal is huge as well - until Liverpool win. Then "it's only the FA Cup". The final against Chelsea is.....well, follow the pattern.
77. David James installs an answerphone on his six-yard line with the message: "Sorry, I'm not in, but leave the ball in the back of the net and I'll get back to you."
78. Newcastle United get three away draws in a row. Allardyce is immediately installed as the favourite to succeed McLaren as England boss.
79. Neil Warnock catches a glimpse of himself in the mirror as he steps out of the shower and notices that he’s fat. He immediately rings his solicitor regarding possible legal action against Rafael Benitez.
80. Some foreign footballer or other will do an interview with France Football magazine next season in which he rubbishes the Premiership, calls his teammates amateurs, and says that it’s his dream to play in Spain or Italy. His agent will immediately say that his words were “lost in translation”.
81. Paul Jewell does not return to manage in the Premiership next season. In other news, Coventry manager Ian Dowie is unveiled as the new face of Chanel, while Reading boss Steve Coppell films a series of ads for Head & Shoulders. Jewell’s break won’t last long would be the main theme to take away from number 81.
82. Jose Mourinho is heard to question whether the ball actually crossed the line at Anfield in the 2005 Champions League Semi-Final.
83. Liverpool are allocated three tickets by UEFA for the Champions League Final in Moscow. UEFA spokesman Timmy from Southpark claims the allocation is fair, commenting “Gyaaah, T-T-Timmaaaay!!!” When the supporters complain, they are branded “the worst fans in Europe.”
84. The debate over where Steven Gerrard should play for Liverpool rumbles on, and his new bride Alex exhibits all the sporting knowledge of your average WAG when asked by a grinning Ray Stubbs (he always seems to be grinning, that man) about her husband’s best position. “Oh definitely on top,” she replies, “cos that’s where he scores most often.”
85. Speaking of WAGs, the very term itself is outlawed next season under pain of imprisonment, torture and even death. The world is a happier place as a result. Parliament also attempt to rush through legislation banning the stupid tarts themselves before Euro 2008 kicks off in June…..
86. We all knew it would happen eventually. Ruud Van Nistelrooy breaks his leg and has to be put down. Fabio Cappello is seen to be in tears outside the stable.
87. No Aston Villa joke yet, you might be wondering why. Sorry, I don’t do poop jokes. Unless they’re funny. Or at least not tragic.
88. Liverpool boss Rafael Benitez is linked with Real Madrid a total of two thousand, seven hundred and forty-nine times next season. Xabi Alonso, meanwhile, will be linked with Barcelona a total of three thousand, nine hundred and seventy-one times. Both will be said to be done-deals on at least fifty occasions.
89. Bolton Wanderers play a charity American Football match against current Super Bowl Champions the Indianapolis Colts. After a narrow 23-20 win, the Colts’ star quarterback Peyton Manning limps off the pitch holding his arm, bitterly complaining “Dang, nobody told us those guys hit so hard!”
90. In order to fit-in more with the club’s new American owners, not to mention get some much needed help with his English, Rafa Benitez gets a “Hooked On Phonics” cd sent over from America. Unfortunately, he’s sent the Gangsta Rap Edition in error. The mistake is only realised after Liverpool are robbed of a victory at the Emirates by the controversial award of a last-minute penalty. “That mo-
’ ref was trippin, dogg!!” Rafa comments. “That ni**a don’t want no beef with tha L.F.C, Rafa B, see you on tha street you C-U-N-T!! Sheah, it's coo, it’s coo, dogg…..” The cd is quickly and quietly destroyed.91. Niall Quinn heals the world. Makes it a better place. For you and for me and the entire human race. Roy Keane, meanwhile, is starting with the man in the mirror.
92. Sideshow Bob finally realises his dream and kills Bart Simpson. In a related story, Bolton are left without the services of midfielder Ivan Campo after the Spaniard is ruled out for the next twenty years to life.
93. A David Villa hat-trick in the final game of the season gives Liverpool the Premiership title. Elsewhere, the already-relegated Wigan and Fulham are joined in the Coca Cola Championship by Birmingham City. It isn’t Steve Bruce’s fault, though. The referees were against them all season, dontcha know.
94. After a fairly nondescript season, Slur Alex Ferguson is rumoured to be considering his position at Old Trafford. Mark Hughes, Roy Keane, Bryan Robson, Steve Bruce, Steve Coppell, Paul Ince, Sammy McIllroy, Gordon Strachan, Peter Schmeichal, Andrei Kanchelskis, Tommy Docherty, Norman Whiteside, Luke Chadwick, the tea-lady’s son, Angus Deayton, Mick Hucknall and anyone else with any connection whatsoever with Manchester United are immediately linked with the job. Celtic boss Gordon Strachan emerges as the early front-runner. The tabloid headlines read “In Gord We Trust.”
95. In a chilling parallel to Jose Mourinho last season, Wayne Rooney’s dog is deported. “This is terrible,” he pleads to the courts. “Who’ll make me tea every evening if Coleen is gone?”
96. Expectation begins to mount that England can do well in the European Championships in Austria/Switzerland. By the week before kick-off, the English media agree that England are 100% stonewall certainties to win the tournament, and are already putting pressure on the Queen to hand out knighthoods to "our boys". "Altogether Now" by The Farm, "Jerusalem" and "Rule Brittannia" are heard to play on BBC, ITV and Sky, while allusions to the war and D-day are rife. Meanwhile, messages of good-will and support are sent out to the team from every two-bit soap actress hooker the TV stations can pay. England go out in the first round playing
. The press call for Sam Allardyce to replace McLaren. Germany win the tournament. On penalties. Steve Staunton is sitting at home having had his kicked. By me.97. Dimitar Berbatov turns water into wine and walks on water. Tottenham still finish fifth.
98. Liverpool win the Premiership, the FA Cup and the Champions League. The majority of England's media dismiss it as a Mickey Mouse treble, while Alex Ferguson admits that the Carling Cup was the one Manchester United wanted all along. Jose Mourinho is oddly quiet.....
99. With the season over, Mark Viduka makes his re-appearance and declares himself available for transfer. Every club below eighth place in the Premiership (except for Middlesbrough, Newcastle and Sunderland) are immediately interested. And thus the phenomenon known by scientists as "The Viduka Cycle" continues for one more summer. Will it ever end?
100. Ahh, we've made it to the end! Here's a statistic for you: the opposition are awarded a penalty at Old Trafford next season. True as I'm sat here. Yep. And that's the final proof, if you need it, that this Top 100 is one big joke. A funny one. But a joke nonetheless.....
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