She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And then the fight started...
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -----
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."
I bought her some scales.
And then the fight started...
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -----
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace
expensive... so, I took her to a Petrol station.
And then the fight started...
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -----
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, "Unbutton your shirt"
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me"
and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the
Social Security office.
She said, "You should have dropped your trousers.
You might have got disability allowance, too."
And then the fight started...
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -----
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my school reunion, and I kept staring
at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, "Do you know her?"
"Yes," I sighed, "She's my old girlfriend.
I understand she took to drinking right after we split up all those years ago,
and I hear she hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" says my wife,
"who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
And then the fight started...
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -----
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the sirloin steak, very rare, please."
He asked, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And then the fight started...
------------ --------- --------- ---
A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment."
The husband replies,
'Your eyesight's dam_n near perfect.'
And then the fight started.....
------------ --------- --------- ------
I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Carlsberg for Euro 10.95
Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for Euros 7.95.
I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.
And then the fight started....
------------ --------- --------- --------- -----
My wife asked me if a certain dress made her bottom look big.
I told her not as much as the dress she wore yesterday
And then the fight started.....
------------ --------- --------- --------- ------
A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.
Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.
The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man
"Holy
. That must be my husband!"So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window.
He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his
car as fast as he could go.
A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and
screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!'
The woman yelled back, "Yeah, then why were you running?"
And then the fight started.....
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ----
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch,
grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.
I hooked up the boat up to the car, and proceeded to back out into a
torrential downpour.
The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage,
turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.
I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation,
and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'
My loving wife of 10 years replied,
'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?'
And then the fight started ...
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ----
I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary? "
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
"Somewhere I haven't been for a long time!" she said.
So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"
And that's when the fight started....
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ----
My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we
were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started....
