Les Dawson.
I said to the chemist, 'Can I have some sleeping pills for the wife?' He said, 'Why?' I said, 'She keeps waking up.'
I said to my wife, 'Treasure' - I always call her Treasure, she reminds me of something that's just been dug up.
I was in a play on TV once. It was one of those suspense plays. It kept you wondering... what's on the other channels?
Ours is a football marriage, we keep waiting for the other one to kick off
He drank so heavy, the only thing that grew on his grave were hops.
Dave Allen.
There was the story of a young Irish vicar riding his bicycle down the path between towns where he would meet an elderly priest from another parish, and they would discuss matters daily, until one day the old priest noticed the vicar walking instead of riding and asked him "What happened to your bicycle?"
The vicar explained that the bike was stolen.
"Well, then", the old priest said, "Next Sunday, do a sermon about the ten commandments and preach heavily on THOU SHALL NOT STEAL. Then you will surely get your bike back". The vicar agreed and went off.
The next week, The two met again and this time the vicar was again riding his bicycle. "See what I meant!" the Old Priest said. "The power of the Word. The Ten Commandments, and Thou Shall not steal!"
The vicar responded, "Well, not exactly, Father. I was preaching about the Ten Commandments, and I was all ready to preach heavy on 'Thou Shall Not Steal', but when I got to 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery, all of a sudden I remembered where me bike was!"
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning sermon. She's in tears. He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?" She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night." The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?" She says, "That he did, Father." The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?" She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun..."
The 98 year old Mother Superior from Poland was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable. They gave her some warm milk to drink but she refused. Then one of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen. Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened and poured a generous amount into the warm milk. Back at Mother Superior's bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she had the whole glass down to the last drop. "Mother," the nuns asked with earnest, "please give us some wisdom before you die." She raised herself up in bed and with a pious look on her face said, "Don't sell that cow."
Bob Monkhouse
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian. Well, they're not laughing now.
I want to die like my father, peacefully in his sleep, not screaming and terrified, like his passengers.
I'd never be unfaithful to my wife for the reason that I love my house very much.
My wife said: 'Can my mother come down for the weekend?' So I said: 'Why?' and she said: 'Well, she's been up on the roof two weeks already'.
The Royal Shakespeare Company once did 'Julius Caesar' in New York. When Caesar was stabbed onstage, half the audience left because they didn't want to get involved.
What do gardeners do when they retire?
Pop up your favourite comedians lines and share the humour !
by jonnymac1979 » Sat Jan 15, 2005 9:35 pm
