Liverpool FC Forum

Number 9 wrote:

woof woof ! wrote:Last time I took a microdot I was on a small Greek island sightseeing, imagine my surprise when I found a small Convent staffed entirely by penguins.

Last time i had a microdot my mum fu.cked me outta the house!
There is a story.
I went in for my dinner,I had taken 40 shrooms and 2 microdots just before i went in.I was only 17.so i was sitting there on the sofa waiting on my dinner(which was meant to be ready)

The door goes,ding dong,its my sisters fella,he comes in sits down!Im great with him now but back then i hardly knew him!
The plan was to take my trips go in get fed and head out in about an SAS style ten minutes!

It didnt work,ma was in the kitchen cooking away,sis was playing the virgin,dad was upstairs farting and her boyfreind was sitting watching the rugby world cup on my seat on the sofa!

There was a map on the telly with all the rugby nations on it,I was watching and i turned to martin and asked him who was gonna play?
He had the maps all over him,not really clear like but in a trasparent way all over him,even on his white T shirt!

Oh fu.ck said i,started to get tummy cramps as ya do on the shrooms.So anyway i sat there....TRYING to make conversation,it was only me and him in our front room.

There was a wee cat ornament on our telly,on the top and i was tripping my balls off looking at it,trying to tell myself i was OK!
"I think England will win"i said lamely without taking my eyes off the cat on the telly,Yeah he said or should i say purred!

When i looked at Martin he had his face but over it was a see through cats head and he was smiling at me!At the same time he had like a Garfield upper lip!Purrrrrr Then he started talking to me about rugby!

By this stage,i was sitting on me ma's sofa,my tummy was doing somersaults as shrooms make it,I was really dying for a shi.te.I wanted my dinner because I wanted out,i knew i was never gonna eat it,Who wants pork chops when your off yer bap?

Deffo not me!
So i went into the bathroom,done my doings!But the bath intrigued me,i filled it half way and sailed my nephews rubber ducks up and down the water as if cruise ships!

Bang Bang,i need in and your dinner's ready!
In and ready were the two words that killed me!
I opened the door and my dad was standing there wanting a pi.ss.He looked about twenty times bigger than usual!
Bout ya,i uttered...Bout ya son he said back!

So i went in to the kitchen/dinning room and sat down!

Holy fu.ck,ma had pulled the whole ship out,was obviously trying to impress ma sisters fella!But back then i did'nt see it that way!

I looked at my plate and two pork chops looked back,in the middle bit where all the meat is,both my pork chops had eyes.But they were not just any eyes they were my eyes and i was seeing me!I was looking at me from my plate!
Take some veg son,said my dad passing a big white plate covered in carrots,broccoli and roasted turnip!

"Ill eat my chops first" i said

What would you do?

By this stage i was well freaking out,Martin was playing the ever greatful future son in law and dillegently doing everything to assure my ma that her veg was the best he ever tasted!

Meanwhile i was sitting at the table with my dad to my left sis on my right,Ma at the top and one greedy cat facing me!

He was not him anymore,not a person,he sorta had a background face under the cat head,but the feline was overriding his humaness!

Oh control,Barry,control i said that to myself a million fuc.kin times,well only 3 but it seemed more!

Purrr said the cat,it wanted something!Can you pass the salt Barry...Oh the terror inside,the cat wants salt!
I played around with my soul for what seemed an eternity then give him my clipper lighter!

Salt Barry purred the big cat facing me with his big garfield moustache...So i passed the salt to the cat!
The cat fu.cked about with the salt and then declared that he could not get any out of it.It was one of them twisty things.
So the cat looked at me...and said"any salt"mate!

I said,salt aye.Why dont ya take the plastic off you stupid cu.nt(well sort of)
I was too freaking out by this time to actually do anything...Apple crumble for desert ma shouted!

Im off i,ve had enough,cant take anymore of this!Anymore of what?
Him! A cat,garfield a ginger cat demanding pudding!

Dont come back ya wee ba.stard,dont worry i wont i'll have 4 of the best days of my life!!