By LiverpudlIAN - 12/04/2008 18:00
Exclusive: I can reveal a leaked copy of an email sent to U.EF.A. as a result of the 'disgraceful' events that occurred at Anfield on Tuesday night. I can assure you this is genuine... honestly. Read on...
To: dikkedd@uefa.com
From: sourgrapes@arsenal.co.uk
CC: tears-r-us@arsenal.co.uk
Sir,
After due consideration and several days reflection, we have decided to appeal directly to the good offices of U.E.F.A in a bid have the result struck from the record books and in doing so prevent the miscarriage of justice that was seen by millions in the Champions League quarter final.
We wish to raise the following points for your attention and are sure you will view our appeal favourably.
1. The noise levels for the entire duration of the game were far in excess of that experienced at the Emirates and "the Library" . It is a well known fact that stadiums in the south are far less noisy than the "football hotbeds" of the north and accordingly, the decibel levels meant our players were placed at a disadvantage.
Appendix 1:1 Our players have sensitive ears and the scouse rantings of Jamie Carragher along with the afore mentioned crowd noise affected our concentration for several of the goals that we conceded.
Appendix 1:2 As a club we were only informally warned about the "special" atmosphere at Anfield on European nights. We view with great dismay the fact that the Health and Safety executive did not see fit to offer an official warning of the dangers that our "young" players would face, especially since most of the offences occurred after the watershed of 21:00 hours.
2. Phillipe Senderos was distracted from marking Sami Hyypia by the movement of spectators behind the ball as the corner came over; the referee should have demanded that the corner was retaken.
3. Fernando Torres was too good for Senderos in finding the space to turn & score the second goal for Liverpool. Mr Wenger requires that Arsenal should be given every advantage, so the Spaniard should not have been allowed to play because everyone knows that Arsenal play the best football on the planet EVER and no -one is allowed to have more skilful players than us.
4. Adebayor had practiced his after-goal celebration for many hours & been coached at a top London dance studio in the posh part of the capitol and he was, consequently, made to look a right
by Liverpool going straight up the other end, directly from the kick off, and winning the penalty.Appendix 4:1 We demand a refund on the tutors fees for the aforementioned dance instruction as this sort of thing doesn't come cheap in London.
5. For the first time in living memory, Mr Wenger actually did see some of the incidents affecting his team : so based on the premise that "what's seldom is wonderful" the least the referee could have done is award the penalty decision in our favour.
Appendix 5:1 And if that was not enough, because we didn't get the penalty at the Emirates, the referee should definitely have waived aside the penalty appeal.
Appendix 5:2 We understand that Frank Mclintock, back in the Sky studios, was heard to make obscene wailing noses at the award of the said penalty. We always look after our ex-players down here and anything to the detriment & welfare of our old codgers is vigorously frowned upon. Health care at an appropriate Harley street clinic is being considered as an option for his convalescence.
6. Ryan Babel had fresh legs to run away from Cesc Fabregas for the fourth goal as well as being brought down for the penalty. Despite this, via our media friends, we still managed to elevate the role of "young Theo" in the game to that of man of the match status.
Appendix 6:1 This kind of substitution should only be the prerogative of Mr Wenger because it makes opposing managers look good if their young players also do well.
Appendix 6:2 We would like you to look at the attempts by Liverpool defenders to bring down Theo on his way up the pitch for our goal. Perhaps you could hastily bring in retrospective video evidence and give them all red cards with the bans to be served the next time we meet? (Especially the shifty "argie" who is, undoubtedly, a wrong'un).
7. Our goalie, Manual Aluminium, is nowhere near as good as their spaniard at saving penalties. Because of this, and to even things up, could the referee not have asked for the kick to be continually re-taken until he actually saved one?
8. Ryan Babel and Fernando Torres were former transfer targets of Arsenal, so because we saw them first, we think it is unfair that they should be allowed to play against us.
9. The Sky sports panel cannot laugh at Phil Thompson on Saturday now and we will therefore, especially, miss Paul Merson doing his village idiot impression.
10. The southern press had their " Benitez on borrowed time" head lines ready for print but they have all had to put them on hold for now. Can you imagine it ? Especially with the furore about Parry, they would have had a field day.
What do you think then? The mass wailing, gnashing of teeth and blaming the referee for everything has had the desired effect in undermining the performance of Liverpool reaching their third semi final in four years and most people have been excellently influenced into feeling sorry for us, but it is still not enough. We demand re-instatement & without doubt, I believe we have demonstrated, with the points raised above, that we have a really strong case for holding a re- match behind closed doors with, therefore, no crowd noise (Just like at our ground eh? Nudge, nudge... wink, wink ) oh and can you ban Torres & Babel and maybe Gerrard as well, any chance?
Regards,
end WhingersObviously I cannot reveal my source at European football's head quarters in order to protect the innocent.
Liverpudlian
Reporting for ShanklyGates.co.uk from a secret location near you...
