Liverpool FC Forum

by Rafa D » Mon Jul 30, 2007 7:38 am

A businessman was getting ready to go on a long business trip.

He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort with an extremely healthy
sex drive, so he thought he'd buy her a little something to keep
her occupied while he was gone.

He went to a store that sold sex toys and started to look around.
He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to
another man for him. He was browsing through the dildo's, looking
for something special to please his wife, and started talking to
the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation.

"Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We
have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't
know of thing that will keep her occupied for weeks, except..."
and he stopped.

"Except what?" the man asked.

"Nothing, nothing."

"C'mon, tell me! I need something!"

"Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is The Voodoo
penis."

"So what's up with this Voodoo Penis?" he asked.

The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out a very old
wooden box, carved with strange symbols and erotic images. He
opened it, and there lay an ordinary-looking dildo.

The businessman laughed, and said "Big damn deal. It looks like
every other dildo in this shop!"

The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet."

He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo Penis, the door." The Voodoo
Penis miraculously rose out of its box, darted over to the door,
and started pounding the keyhole. The whole door shook wildly with
the vibrations, so much so that a crack began to form down the
middle. Before the door split, the old man said "Voodoo Penis,
return to box!"
The Voodoo Penis stopped, levitated back to the box and lay there
quiescent once more.

"I'll take it!" said the businessman.

The old man resisted, saying it wasn't for sale, but finally
surrendered to £738 in cash and an imitation Rolex.

The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo
and that to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo Penis, my
crotch." He left for his trip satisfied that things would be fine
while he was gone.

After he'd been gone a few days, his wife was unbearably horny.
She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but
then she remembered the Voodoo Penis.

She undressed, opened the box and said, "Voodoo Penis, my crotch!"
The Voodoo Penis shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was
absolutely incredible, like nothing she'd ever experienced before.
After three mind-shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and
decided she'd had enough.

She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still
thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked.
Her husband had forgotten to tell her how to shut it off.

Worried, she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could
help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive,
quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another
incredible intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road.

A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over.
He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to
drink.

Gasping and twitching, she explained, "I haven't had anything to
drink, officer. You see, I've got this Voodoo Penis thing stuck in
my crotch and it won't stop screwing me!"

The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and in an
arrogant voice replied, "Yeah, right... Voodoo Penis, my ar.se

by account deleted by request » Mon Jul 30, 2007 9:32 am

Good joke Rafa, pity it had already been posted in the Real World





A guy decides that maybe he'd like to have a pet and goes to a pet shop.

After looking around he spots a parrot sitting on a little perch; it doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says out loud, "Bloody Hell, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"

"I was born this way," says the parrot. "I'm a defective parrot."

"Ha, ha," the guy laughs. "It sounded like this parrot actually understood what I said and answered me."

"I understand every word," says the parrot. "I am a highly intelligent and thoroughly educated bird."

"Yeah?" the guy asks. "Then answer this: how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"

"Well," the parrot says, "this is a little embarrassing, but since you asked, I will tell you. I wrap my little parrot penis around this wooden bar, kind of like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."

"Wow," says the guy, "you really can understand and answer; can't you?"

"Of course. I speak both Spanish and English. I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any subject: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. And I am especially good at ornithology. You should buy me; I am a great companion."

The guy looks at the £200.00 price tag. He says. "I can't afford that."

"Pssst," the parrot hisses, motioning the guy over with one wing. "Nobody wants me because I don't have any feet. You can get me for £20.00; just make an offer."

The guy offers twenty pounds and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by and the parrot is sensational. He's funny; he's interesting; he's a great pal, he understands everything, sympathizes, and gives good advice. The guy is delighted.

One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot says, "Pssst," and motions him over with one wing. The guy goes up close to the cage. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not," says the parrot, "but it's about your lover and the postman."

"What?" asks the guy.

"Well," the parrot says, "when the postman came to the door today, your lover greeted him in a pair of briefs that showed everything and kissed him on the mouth."

"What happened then?" asks the guy.

"Then the postman came into the house and put his hand on your lovers crotch and began petting her all over," reports the parrot.

"My God!" the guy says. "Then what?"

"Then he pulled down the briefs, got down on his knees and began to lick her, starting with her chest, slowly going down and down." The parrot pauses for a long time...

"What happened? What happened?" says the frantic guy.

"That's what pi*ses me off. I don't know." said the parrott. "I got a hard-on, and fell off my fu*king perch."

by Rafa D » Mon Jul 30, 2007 9:35 am

Gutted the real world curse strikes again.


  at that. ^^

by metalhead » Mon Jul 30, 2007 9:52 am

 

by scouser 'til I die » Tue Jul 31, 2007 2:55 pm

^^^ cracker




A man and a woman were deeply in love. She, being of a religious
nature, had held back the worldly pleasure that he wanted so bad.

In fact, he had never even seen her naked.

One day, as they drove along, she remarked about his slow driving
habits. "I can't stand it anymore," she told him. "Let's play a
game. For every 5 miles per hour over the speed limit you drive,
I'll remove one piece of clothing."

He enthusiastically agreed and sped up the car.

He reached the 55 MPH mark, so she took off her blouse. At 60, off
came the pants. At 65 it was her bra and at 70 her panties.

Now, seeing her naked for the first time, and traveling faster
than he ever had before, he became very excited and lost control
of the car. He veered off the road, over an embankment and wrapped
the car around a tree. His girlfriend was thrown clear, but he was
trapped. She tried to pull him free but alas, he was stuck.

"Go up to the road and get help," he said.

"But I haven't anything to cover myself with!" she replied.

The man felt around, but could only reach one of his shoes.

"You'll have to put this between your legs to cover it up," he
told her. So she did as he said and went up to the road for help.

Along came a truck driver. Seeing a naked, crying woman along the
road, he pulled over to hear her story.

"My boyfriend, my boyfriend!" she sobs, "He's stuck and I can't
pull him out!"

The truck driver, looking down at the shoe between her legs,
replies, "Ma'am, if he's in that far, I'm afraid there's no hope
for him."

You'll Never Walk Alone