Liverpool FC Forum

Bamaga man wrote:

GRAHAM01 wrote:

A beached Whale.

I know my mates would sobre, as for me I'd definately go a golden shower. 

like the saying goes mate each to there own

but for this one i would sober, no probs the only thing you have to do is push her back out to sea once your done

green peace come after you if you don`t 

woof woof ! wrote:Never sh'agged a fattie    I did however have a night of terror with a Greek hunchback .

It was thirty odd years ago but the nightmare is still with me . I was making my way overland from India  back to the UK and somehow ended up on a small island about a hour out of Athens where I met this couple ,an English fella and his Greek wife. She wasn't bad looking BUT did have an enormous hump and a walk that Quasimodo would have been proud of. One night I'm sitting in the taverna and in she shuffles minus her husband, turns out he's gone to Athens on business and won't be back till the next day. We had a meal and a few ouzos after which (being the gentleman I am) I offered to escort her home. We got to her door and she invites me in . Now just to be clear, sex with this Greek bellringer was the furthest thing from my mind, she was however a very intelligent woman and a great conversationalist so in I went and we spent the next couple of hours emptying a bottle of brandy whilst discussing life the universe and everything......... I'ts now 3am and I'm making ready to leave when she says "why don't you stay here tonight , you can sleep in one of the spare rooms ". Being well p'issed by now I was more than happy to stumble into one of the spare bedrooms and collapse onto a big brass bed, and thats when the terror began.

I'd only been on the bed for a couple of minutes when I heard the faint but distinct scrape scrape scrape as she dragged one foot behind the other slowly approaching my door. In true hammer house of horror style the door opened with a long drawn out creak that had my hair standing on end and into the room shuffled Quasimodo dressed in a long white nightgown and carrying a lit candle .
Without a word she approached the bed , set down the candle , hitched up her nightgown and sat on my face ! Lads, I was blowing bubbles out of my f'ucking ears . I was torn between a feeling of compassion and the desire to throw up as this creature bore down on my face with increasing ferocity, but when she started to yodel I thought "fu'ck, at this rate she's was gonna break my teeth" . Summoning up what stamina I had left I forced her off my face and onto the floor where I proceeded to do the dirty deed. I was thinking to myself "let's get this over as quickly as possible" when I noticed that with her legs raised of the ground she was rocking backwards and forwards on her hump , requiring absolutely no effort from me . To my everlasting shame I have to admit I began to enjoy it .   I'll spare you the rest of the sordid details but suffice to say that when I passed her in the street the following day her gammy leg was dragging even further behind than usual and when I greeted her the gimp blanked me completely !!!

i just cannot stop laughing at that. im at work and cannot go out of the office cause of the tears of laughter.

fucking stomach is hurting now   

best thing ive read in ages - cheers woof 

Lee J wrote:I had a carpet burn on my bell end for a week. 

never ever heard of that. you poor poor b@stard.   

Lee J wrote:I had a carpet burn on my bell end for a week. 

Mate of mine had a similar accident to his bell end . He was havin' a drunken knee trembler round the back of some pub .He was so pi'ssed half the time he was bangin' the wall instead of the bird    Poor sod , his helmet looked as though it'd gone three rounds with a bulldozer. His k'nob was a bluey/purple,reduced to one inch long and about three inches wide and p'issed at right angles 

Took months to heal , during which he couldn't even have a hand job.   

Judge wrote:i blame woof for inciting this

I blame Judge for everything.