Jokes thread - Post your funniest jokes here

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Postby sundy » Fri Jan 05, 2007 12:58 pm

Steve is shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally finds one for a great price, but it's missing a seal, so whenever it rains he has to smear vaseline over the spot where the seal should be.
Anyway, his girlfriend is having him over for dinner to meet her parents. He drives his new bike to her house, where she is outside waiting for him.
"No matter what happens at dinner tonight, don't say a word." She tells him, "Our family had a fight a while ago about doing dishes. We haven't done any since, but the first person to speak at dinner has to do them."
Steve sits down for dinner and it is just how she described it. Dishes are piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen, and nobody is saying a word. So Steve decides to have a little fun. He grabs his girlfriend, throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of her parents.
His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word. A few minutes later he grabs her mom, throws her on the table and does a repeat performance. Now his girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, and her mother is a little happier.
But still there is complete silence at the table. All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Steve remembers his motorcycle. He jumps up and grabs his jar of vaseline.
Upon witnessing this, his girlfriend's father backs away from the table and screams, "OKAY, ENOUGH ALREADY, I'LL DO THE :censored: DISHES"
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Postby sundy » Fri Jan 05, 2007 1:04 pm

This guy walks into a bar on the top of a very tall building. He sits down, orders a huge beer, chugs it, walks over to the window, and jumps out.
Five minutes later, the guy walks into the bar again, orders another huge beer, chugs it, walks over to the window, and jumps out again.
Five minutes later, he re-appears and repeats the whole thing.
About half an hour later, another guy at the bar stops the first guy and says, "hey, how the heck are you doing that?!"
The first guy responds, "oh, it's really simple physics. When you chug the beer, it makes you all warm inside and since warm air rises, if you just hold your breath you become lighter than air and float down to the sidewalk."
"WOW!" exclaims the second man, "I gotta try that!" So he orders a huge beer, chugs it, goes over to the window, jumps out, and splats on the sidewalk below.
The bartender looks over to the first man and says, "Superman, you're an :censored: when you're drunk."
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Postby Aaron » Fri Jan 05, 2007 10:47 pm

Vaness Feltzstopped at Heathrow accused of drug smuggling, she has forty pounds of crack down her nickers :D

Hey you, just wanted to tell you that i had a wet dream about you last nite.... You got hit by a bus and i :censored: myself laughing

Virgin holds a penis for the first time and says - oh my god its gruesome, guy replies, aye hold it again cause its just grew some more

it goes in dry and comes out wet, the longer its in the stronger it gets, wen it comes out it drips and sags. its not wat u think ........... its tetley t-bags!! :p  :D
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Postby daxy1 » Sun Jan 07, 2007 1:04 pm

Moses, Jesus and a very old man were out golfing one fine day.

Moses drives his ball and it bounced off a tree into a water hazard. So he parted the water and knocked the ball onto the green.

Jesus drives his ball and it bounced off two trees into the water. So he walked on the water and scooped his ball onto the green.

The very old man drives his ball and it bounced off a tree into the water, the ball was eaten by a fish, the fish swam to the surface and was snatched up by a bird, the bird flew upward and was struck by lightning, the fish fell from the sky onto the green, the ball bounced out of the fishes mouth, and the ball rolled into the hole.

Moses turned to Jesus and said, "I hate golfing with your dad."
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Postby daxy1 » Tue Jan 09, 2007 5:54 pm

Last year, I was rushing around trying to get some last minute
Xmas Shopping done.
I was stressed out and not thinking very fondly of the Christmas season.
It was dark, cold, and wet in the multi story Car park, I noticed
that I was missing the shop receipt which I would need To get out of
the car park without paying, so mumbling under my breath, I Retraced
my steps to the shopping centre entrance.
As I was searching the wet pavement, I heard a quiet sobbing.
The crying was Coming from a poorly dressed boy of about 10 years old.
He was short and Thin. He had no coat. He was just wearing a
ragged flannel shirt to protect Him from the cold evenings chill.
He was holding two fifty pound notes in his hand.
Thinking that he had got Lost from his parents, I asked him what
was wrong and he told me his sad Story.
He came from a large family. His father had died when he was
seven years Old.
His mother worked two full time jobs to make ends meet.
Nevertheless, She had managed to scrimp and save two hundred
pounds to buy her children Christmas presents.
The young boy had been dropped off, by his mother, on the way to
her second Job. He was to use the money to buy presents for all his
brothers and Sisters and save just enough to take the bus home.
He had not even entered The shopping centre, when an older boy grabbed
two of his fifty pound notes And disappeared into the night.
"why didn't you scream for help?" I asked.
The boy said, "I did."
"and Nobody came to help you?"
the boy stared at the ground and sadly shook his Head.
"how loud did you scream?" I enquired.
The soft-spoken boy looked up And meekly whispered, "help me!" I realised that absolutely no one could have heard that poor boy
cry for Help.
So I grabbed his other two fifty pound notes and f*cked off.
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Postby account deleted by request » Tue Jan 09, 2007 6:10 pm

daxy1 wrote:Moses, Jesus and a very old man were out golfing one fine day.

Moses drives his ball and it bounced off a tree into a water hazard. So he parted the water and knocked the ball onto the green.

Jesus drives his ball and it bounced off two trees into the water. So he walked on the water and scooped his ball onto the green.

The very old man drives his ball and it bounced off a tree into the water, the ball was eaten by a fish, the fish swam to the surface and was snatched up by a bird, the bird flew upward and was struck by lightning, the fish fell from the sky onto the green, the ball bounced out of the fishes mouth, and the ball rolled into the hole.

Moses turned to Jesus and said, "I hate golfing with your dad."

:laugh: I don't know why but religious jokes always crack me up. Too much Dave Allen as a kid I guess.
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Postby daxy1 » Thu Jan 11, 2007 9:19 am

The Blonde and the Attorney
An attorney and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a flight from Los Angeles to New York . The attorney asks if she would like to play a fun game.

The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The attorney persists. He explains how the game works.

"I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me, and vice-versa."

Again the blonde politely declines and tries to get some sleep. The attorney figures that since his opponent is a blonde he will easily win the match, so he makes another offer.

"If you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5.00, but if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500."

The blonde figures there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, so she agrees. The attorney asks,

"What's the distance from the Earth to the moon?"

The blonde reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five dollar bill, and hands it to the attorney. Then she asks the attorney,

"What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"

The attorney is puzzled. He uses his laptop to search for references. He taps into the air-phone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends emails to his co-workers and friends. No luck. After an hour, he gives up.

He wakes the blonde and hands her $500.00. The blonde politely takes the $500.00 and turns away to get back to sleep. The attorney, who is going nuts trying to figure it out, wakes the blonde and asks,

"Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"

The blonde reaches into her purse, hands the attorney $5.00, and goes back to sleep.
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Postby sundy » Thu Jan 11, 2007 11:50 am

A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to a gynaecologist. The doctor takes one look at this woman and all his professionalism goes out the window.
Right away he tells her to undress. After she has disrobed he begins to stroke her thigh. As he does this he says to the woman, "Do you know what I'm doing?"
"Yes," she says, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."
"That's right," says the doctor. He then begins to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asks.
"Yes," the woman says, "you're checking for any lumps of breast cancer."
"That's right," replies the doctor. He then begins to have sexual intercourse with the woman.
He says to her, "Do you know what I'm doing now?"
"Yes," she says. "You're getting herpes."
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Postby daxy1 » Mon Jan 15, 2007 11:47 am

A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm. The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal. You've graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled.

"Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we're afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I'm sorry....we can't hire you."

"But wait," he said. "If I take two aspirin, I'll stop winking!"

"Really? Great! Show me!"

So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavored condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking.

"Well," said the interviewer, "that's all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanizing all over, the country!"

"Womanizing? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!"

"Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?"

"Oh, that," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?"
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Postby daxy1 » Mon Jan 15, 2007 11:48 am

A man is having a few drinks at a bar when he looks over and notices a drunk guy passed out at a table nearby. The bartender tells him the drunk is Mr. Murphy and asks the man if he could drive Mr. Murphy home. Being a good Samaritan, the man agrees. The bartender writes down the address and gives it to him.

The man walks over and tries to wake Mr. Murphy but Mr. Murphy is groggy and quite drunk. The man helps Mr. Murphy to his feet and Mr. Murphy falls to the floor in a heap.

"Jeez," the man says wondering how anyone could drink so much. He takes Murphy by the arm and practically drags him out to the car. Once there he leans him against the side of his car while he looks for his keys. Mr. Murphy slides down to the ground. The man finds his keys and manages to get Murphy positioned in the car.

He then drives to the address the bartender gave him. He opens the passenger door and helps Mr. Murphy out and the guy falls to the ground. Cursing softly now, the man helps him to his feet and practically drags him to the front door. He lets go of Mr. Murphy to knock on the door and the guy falls down again. He helps him to his feet as Mrs. Murphy answers the door.

"Hi, Mrs. Murphy? Your husband had a little too much to drink tonight so I gave him a ride home."

"That was nice of you," she says, looking around, "But....where's his wheelchair?"
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Postby Homebooby » Mon Jan 15, 2007 9:11 pm

Not so much a joke as a comment that had me roaring when I watched it this morning:

'That womans so old her pussy's haunted'

Killed me anyhow
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Postby stmichael » Mon Jan 15, 2007 9:29 pm

Two dyslexics walk into a petrol station.

One says can you smell petrol?

Petrol? I can't even smell my own name!
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Postby daxy1 » Tue Jan 16, 2007 12:12 am

stmichael wrote:Two dyslexics walk into a petrol station.

One says can you smell petrol?

Petrol? I can't even smell my own name!

ha! ha! ha! pmsl i like!
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Postby daxy1 » Tue Jan 16, 2007 4:43 pm

A bloke goes to the doctor havin problems with premature ejaculation, the doc told him that when he felt himself coming to give himself a fright by firing a startin pistol into the air to prolong sex,two days later the doc sees the man and asks how things are going.

"Not :censored: good" said the man, "I was doin a full 69 an felt myself coming so fired the pistol the wife s*it on my face and bit off my bell end and the milkman came out of the wardrobe with his :censored: hands up!"
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Postby sophe_lfc_4_lyf » Tue Jan 16, 2007 5:50 pm

A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu.

"I'm sorry sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer, I'll smell it and order from there."

A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath. "Ah, yes that's what I'll have, meatloaf and mashed potatoes."

Unbelievable, the owner says to himself as he walks towards the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner's wife and he tells her what had just happened. The blind man eats his meal and leaves.

Several days later the blind man returns and the owner mistakingly brings him a menu again. "Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man."

"I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork."

The owner again retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man. After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great, I'll take the Macaroni and chesse with broccoli."

Once again walking away in disbelief, the owner things the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him. The blind man eats and leaves.

He returns the following week, but this time the owner see's him coming and runs to the kitchen. He tells his wife, "Mary, rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man." Mary complies and hands her husband the fork back.

As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting. "Good afternoon sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you."

The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff and says, "Hey! I didn't know that Mary worked here!"

:D
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