Liverpool FC Forum

by **Red @ Heart** » Mon Nov 27, 2006 9:19 pm

olden age era before toothpaste, the characters teeth are always white

And in most movies where the Bad guy has the good guy tied up and threatens to kill him but he leaves it to his cronies, but the good guys some how escapes his tightly tied hands and kills the cronies and in the end the bad guy will say " i should have killed you when i had the chance"

And why the fúck cant the bad guy win for once?

by **112-1077774096** » Mon Dec 18, 2006 5:49 am

from football365

Christmas is coming and, once again, there's nothing in the way of a completely rubbish, big-budget Hollywood football movie to 'watch' on Christmas Day. Instead, we're reduced to sighing through traditional Christmas-time football DVDs like '100 Great Ruud van Nistelrooy Tap-Ins', or the triple DVD set 'Titus Bramble's Fat-Arsed Bloopers'.

With this in mind, we're providing you with the guidelines to make a typical Hollywood sports movie - except with proper football. All you need do is plug in some dialogue and send it off to Hollywood, USA. Hopefully, by this time next year we'll have plenty to 'watch' while we're doing brussels sprout burps and doing the nodding dog.

Before we start, remember that - aside from the front page of the Daily Express - there are few things in life more predictable than a Hollywood sport film. Don't go all arthouse on us. Your Krzysztof Kieslowskis and your Lars von Triers are all very pretty and technically gifted, but they can't do it week in, week out, and cinema-goers won't fancy it on a cold midweek night in Barnsley. Okay, let's get going...

First, Choose Your Name...
Ideally your movie football team should have a memorable name, which can also be used as the name of the film. It doesn't matter how absurd it sounds, as long as it's memorable and marketable. Look at The Mighty Ducks of Anaheim - started out as a :censored:

film, and became a full-blown NHL 'franchise'. We'll call our team The Hapless Flanges.

The Incompetence Principle
As in all team sport movies, almost all the entire Hapless Flanges squad should be really bad at football. Despite this, they continue to play it, rather than taking up another hobby like jigsaw puzzles, or fiddling with themselves over hard-core manga.

The New Coach
The useless team suddenly finds itself with a new Grumpy Coach, played by a prominent male character actor with a nose like a sock full of ping-pong balls. He must have dangerously unconventional coaching methods, be bad-tempered, an alcoholic and skilled in the use of casual profanity.

The Coach Back Story...
Grumpy Coach doesn't really want the job, but has been blackmailed into it by his ex-wife, who still cares about him despite the stains on his trousers and overwhelming smell of ammonia. To force him to pull himself together, she has threatened to send photographs to the national press of him sporting a Steve McClaren haircut.

Grumpy Coach was once banned for life by his local Football Association for urinating on the seat of the FA president at an annual awards ceremony while everyone was out of the room. He was innocent and framed by the unscrupulous Evil Nemesis.

Evil Nemesis
The bloke who framed him is an arrogant foreigner of non-specific European extraction (played by an English actor putting on a dodgy German accent and wearing a monocle). Evil Nemesis is the coach of the local rivals, a slick and equally evil team. Their team strip is mostly black with a hint of Nazi insignia chic. They never lose. We'll call them Chelsea.

Lazy Genius
The Hapless Flanges have a Lazy Genius who's stunningly good but has an attitude problem. For proof, he wears a t-shirt with 'attitude problem' written on it. Lazy Genius rarely shows up to play because he's disillusioned, so spends his days building a 1950s hotrod from the drainpipes from a disused foul-water pumping station.

Despite the fact that he's the best player in the world, no good team wants him, because he is wild and non-conformist. However, to boost box-office takings, Lazy Genius must avoid alienating Middle America. It is vital that he be non-conformist in the right way.

Acceptable non-conformism: Wearing a headband and/or aviator sunglasses; having a blue stripe in his mullet; listening to drive-time soft rock on his iPod during play.

Unacceptable non-conformism: Spider's web facial tattoo; multiple genital piercings; sporting one of those weird South American haircuts worn by drug barons and Argentinian internationals.

Oh, and wherever the film is set, Lazy Genius must be American.

Helpful Dialogue Pointers
To ensure that Americans are not confused by foreign dialogue, remember that anyone scoring a goal should not say "Ye-e-s-s!" or "Pick that one out of the old onion bag", but "Score!" Instead of tough-tackling defenders snarling "Get the fack up you facken diving cant," at fallen foes, try, "Forget YOU, mister cheater!"

The First Challenge
The coach's first accomplishment is to talk Lazy Genius back to the team by proving they're kindred spirits, showing him pictures of himself standing beside a 1950s hotrod made of art deco cutlery.

Comedy Fat Bloke
Remember that all sports movie teams must have a massively overweight Comedy Fat Bloke, who will feature in two hilarious moments. The first must be a light-hearted scene during which he eats enough food in a single meal to cover the dietary requirements of a small African state for a month, while the rest of the team rub their eyes with their knuckles and stare, wide-eyed in disbelief. The second will come at a crucial point in the movie's climactic match, when his massive bulk will prove to be of sudden but unlikely benefit.

Warning: Pick Your Fat Bloke Carefully
One side issue: the actor who plays Comedy Fat Bloke will enjoy a brief burst of fame playing loveable fat people in three other, progressively less successful, films. Then, within two years of the film's release, he'll die of a heart attack while living it up in a hotel room with three prostitutes, a ten-tier wedding cake and a lorryload of hot dogs. Cast someone you don't like much.

The Training Scene
At the exact mid-point of the film, there will be three minutes of unconventional training scenes, to show that Grumpy Coach is 'turning things around'. Suggested unconventional training scenes include: strength-training by repeatedly lifting Comedy Fat Bloke on a makeshift winch, while he eats a sandwich the size and shape of a Zeppelin; or free-kick target practice, with washing-up bottles suspended from fishing line on the raised ladder of a speeding fire engine.

Training Sequence Music Choice
Note that training scenes MUST be set to a soft-rock anthem of some kind. If you're going to create your own, bear in mind the standard format for the song title and/or chorus, which should be set to a tune involving a body part and an animal. Good: Eye Of The Tiger. Acceptable: Snout Of The Beaver. Not so good: Winky Of The Guinea Pig.

The Match Highlights
Training should be followed by one minute and 35 seconds of match highlights. These clips illustrate the benefits of the training, where Lazy Genius scores goals from free-kicks, and Comedy Fat Bloke runs 15 yards and is sick into a stuck-up female fan's lap. The Hapless Flanges win three consecutive matches and whoop and slap high fives a lot.

Building To A Season Climax
Despite the fact that they lost the first 39 games of the season by huge amounts, these last three matches ensure that The Hapless Flanges reach an unspecified championship final. Their opponents will, of course, be the aforementioned representatives of the Neo-Nazi party.

The Major Setback
Just before the championship game, Lazy Genius will a) fall out with Grumpy Coach because of a disagreement over the authenticity of the windscreen wipers on his hotrod; b) get kidnapped by Evil Rival and suspended by his headband on a hook in a meat freezer; or c) get slammed into jail on trumped-up charges of groping Evil Rival's wife during a charity fund-raiser for abandoned greyhounds.

The Unspecified Championship Decider
The game starts and the Flanges do badly without their superstar. Everything goes wrong, the Neo-Nazis rack up the goals and spirits become low. Comedy Fat Bloke throws aside his triple cheeseburger in disgust.

With a minute to go, Lazy Genius arrives at the stadium, having a) had a change of heart and decided that friends are more important than windscreen wipers; b) escaped from the meat freezer by hiding inside half a cow; or c) shamed Evil Rival's wife into admitting she lied and her breasts are mostly wadded-up toilet paper anyway, thereby securing his release from jail.

The Big Finale
Inexplicably, despite the fact that the Neo-Nazis appeared to have scored seven goals without reply, the scoreboard reads 5-5. One final free-kick will decide the match.

The last two seconds expands to around 15 minutes to fit in all the necessary events. Comedy Fat Bloke gets his big moment, falling on the face of the opposition goalkeeper and humorously crushing his windpipe, causing him to be stretchered off. As the two teams make their substitutions, Grumpy Coach reminds Lazy Genius as he takes the field to "remember the washing-up bottles".

Lazy Genius takes the free-kick in super-slow motion; it hits the net a split second before the final whistle or - if you really want to pander to the Americans - gunshot.

Closing Scene Of Triumph
The closing scene montage shows Grumpy Coach making light-hearted w***er signs at the opposition fans; victorious Flanges hugging each other in delight and clambering about on the recumbent form of Comedy Fat Bloke; the goalkeeper whose windpipe was crushed being carried off the field under an amusingly-shaped blanket by paramedics, and the losers beating their boots against the ground in overwrought displays of self-loathing.

In the background, Evil Nemesis will have hanged himself from the goalposts and be swaying humorously in the breeze.

THE END

:laugh:

by **The Manhattan Project** » Mon Dec 18, 2006 5:57 am

Black people always marry other black people.

by **woof woof !** » Mon Dec 18, 2006 8:43 am

peewee wrote:Evil Nemesis
The bloke who framed him is an arrogant foreigner of non-specific European extraction (played by an English actor putting on a dodgy German accent and wearing a monocle). Evil Nemesis is the coach of the local rivals, a slick and equally evil team. Their team strip is mostly black with a hint of Nazi insignia chic. They never lose. We'll call them Chelsea.

To be doubly sure that our audience don't mistake the bad guys for good guys their kit should display something like.

Club crest

Club sponsor

by **Judge** » Mon Dec 18, 2006 1:48 pm

The Manhattan Project wrote:Black people always marry other black people.

bold people always write in bold

by **red37** » Mon Dec 18, 2006 1:53 pm

Judge wrote:
The Manhattan Project wrote:Black people always marry other black people.

bold people always write in bold

by **jkop** » Mon Dec 18, 2006 5:14 pm

Peewee that was one hell of a film. I was on the edge of my chair with every last word.

by **CardinalRed** » Mon Dec 18, 2006 6:04 pm

Good stuff PeeWee, there's this fella called Spielberg who's interested in your screenplay.... he wants to start it with 30 minutes of merciless blood letting on a Normandy beach that Lazy genius's Grandad fought on and Evil Nemesis's dastardly twin uncles operated a big f*ck off Howitzer from a massive concrete bunker on. Think you could accommodate those changes?

by **112-1077774096** » Tue Dec 19, 2006 2:05 am

i wish i could take the credit for it guys but i do say at the top its from football365, who do you think i am? st michael :laugh:

by **babu** » Tue Dec 19, 2006 2:18 am

peewee wrote:i wish i could take the credit for it guys but i do say at the top its from football365, who do you think i am? st michael

Meow !!!

by **babu** » Tue Dec 19, 2006 4:14 am

Link to webpage:
http://www.thatwasfunny.com/40-thin....635

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

That was funny
where all the jokes are safe for work

40 Things That Only Happen In The Movies
Did you ever notice that certain things only happen in the movies, but never happen in real life? For example:

1. It is always possible to find a parking spot directly outside or opposite the building you are visiting.
2. When paying for a taxi, don’t look at your wallet as you take out a note. Just grab one out at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.
3. Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at the precise moment it’s aired.
4. Creepy music (or satanic chanting) coming from a graveyard should always be closely investigated.
5. Any lock can be picked with a credit card or paperclip in seconds. UNLESS it’s the door to a burning building with a child inside.
6. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.
7. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red digital displays so you know exactly when they are going to explode.
8. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to learn to speak German. Simply speaking English with a German accent will do. Similarly, when they are alone, all German soldiers prefer to speak English to each other.
9. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off. Even while scuba diving.
10. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window of any building in Paris.
11. Any police officer about to retire from the force will more often than not die on their last day (especially if their family have planned a party). (Caveat: Detectives can only solve a case after they have been suspended from duty).
12. Getaway cars never start first go. But all cop cars do. (They will also slide to a dramatic stop in the midst of a crime scene).
13. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises wearing their most revealing underwear.
14. On a police stake-out, the action will only ever take place when food is being consumed and scalding hot coffees are perched precariously on the dashboard…
15. All grocery shopping involves the purchase of French loaves which will be placed in open brown paper bags (Caveat: when said bags break, only fruit will spill out).
16. Cars never need fuel (unless they’re involved in a pursuit).
17. If you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts, your opponents will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around you in a threatening manner until you have defeated their predecessor.
18. If a microphone is turned on it will immediately feedback.
19. Guns are like disposable razors. If you run out of bullets, just throw the gun away. you will always find another one.
20. All single women have a cat.
21. Cars will explode instantly when struck by a single bullet.
22. No matter how savagely a spaceship is attacked, its internal gravity system is never damaged.
23. If being chased through a city you can usually take cover in a passing St Patrick’s Day parade - at any time of the year.
24. The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. Nobody will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building undetected.
25. You will survive any battle in any war UNLESS you show someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
26. Prostitutes always look like Julia Roberts or Jamie Lee Curtis. They have expensive clothes and nice apartments but no pimps. They are friendly with the shopkeepers in their neighbourhood who don’t mind at all what the girl does for a living.
27. A single match is usually sufficient to light up a room the size of a football stadium.
28. It is not necessary to say “Hello” or “Goodbye” when beginning a telephone conversation. A disconnected call can always be restored by frantically beating the cradle and saying “Hello? Hello?” repeatedly.
29. One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them all than 20 men firing at once (this is known as Stallone’s Law).
30. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in you room will still be visible, just slightly bluish.
31. Plain or even ugly girls can become movie star pretty simply by removing their glasses and rearranging their hair.
32. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their enemies with complicated devices incorporating fuses, pulleys, deadly gases, lasers and man-eating sharks.
33. All beds have special L-shaped sheets that reach to armpit level on a woman but only up to the waist of the man lying beside her.
34. Anyone can land a 747 as long as there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.
35. During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
36. You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.
37. Most musical instruments (especially wind instruments and accordions) can be played without moving your fingers.
38. In Middle America, all gas station attendants have red handkerchiefs hanging out of their back pockets.
39. All teen house parties have one of every stereotypical subculture present (even people who aren’t liked and would never get invited to parties).
40. Trucks use their horns at random (no hang on, that happens in real life too!).

by **The Manhattan Project** » Tue Dec 19, 2006 5:19 am

In the case of alien invasion/imminent asteroid impact/killer bees/the planet's core stopping spinning, America will save the world.

by **Judge** » Tue Dec 19, 2006 8:57 am

team america

Liverpool FC Forum

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