ARSENAL = NAOMI CAMPBELL: Manages to disguise her South London roots. Obsessed with style and has had some problems on her travels. Can look good but volatile under pressure. Prone to lashing out when provoked.
ASTON VILLA = JUDY FINNEGAN Shakier than she used to be and the cracks are increasingly starting to show - it's hard to believe that only a few years ago she was quite well fancied.
BIRMINGHAM = JADE GOODY Was a bit rough round the edges but starting to look quite tasty After a lot of work - particularly at the rear. Not always the brightest, but surprising everyone by sticking around in the spotlight.
BLACKBURN = KYM MARSH Plucked from obscurity to enjoy one flash of success a few years ago but only because of the pots of money behind her. Could very easily get relegated this year.
BOLTON = DEIRDRE RACHID Lancashire institution who surprises her fans just by being there year after ear, though overshadowed by more glamorous neighbours. Fond of foreigners. The axe has got to come one day, but perhaps not yet.
CHARLTON = DENISE VAN OUTEN Inoffensive, welcoming sort who has gone a long way on very little resources. Slowly gaining respectability with some good shows but a fall from grace could come any time.
CHELSEA = CATHERINE ZETA-JONES Looked good on and off for many years without achieving anything of note. Suddenly gets into bed with a wealthy foreigner who splashes out a ton of cash and starts to impress overseas
EVERTON = DEMI MOORE Best years are long gone despite lots of surgery and a hanging-on-in-there attitude. Recent find of a star toy-boy may improve her prospects slightly, as long as he doesn't leave for pastures greener.
FULHAM = SADIE FROST A few rough patches after a steady rise to the top, thanks to one man. He's since got rid of her but she's picking up again with the help of a new, younger manager.
LEEDS = MEL B Yorkshire lass who enjoyed a spell at the top but whose taste for the finer things in life has left her out of pocket. Recently had to sell assets. Needs substantial investment to rediscover old form.
LEICESTER = JORDAN Looking to get by with a minimum of talent, no subtlety and a couple of big lads up front. Gets through a fair share of journeymen players too. Favourite to go down
LIVERPOOL = MADONNA Top class back in the 80s and early 90s and blew all the competition away. Now living off past glories. Appears distinctly lacking in decent new ideas and is no longer as attractive to look at.
MAN CITY = MARTINE McCUTCHEON Tried to re-invent herself recently but everyone remembers her unremarkable past. Seems to have a fiercely loyal support but no one quite knows why they've stuck with her.
UnitedTD = POSH SPICE Pouting prima donna, never afraid of flashing her cash or shameless self-promotion. Struggling to hit the heights of 1999 but still a merchandising phenomenon in the Far East. Constantly changing her outfit.
MIDDLESBROUGH = EMMA BUNTON Still struggling to do anything major, despite some expensive signings and looking good a few years ago. A few promising single performances but could soon be fighting relegation.
NEWCASTLE = CHERYL TWEEDY Fighting the North East's corner - literally. Sassy Geordie with plenty of attitude. Dangerous when provoked. Assets looked after by one of the most respected managers in the game.
PORTSMOUTH = CLAIRE SWEENEY Been around a while and recently found herself back in the big time. But most of her assets are past their best. Got a bit of ability, however can't see her going the distance.
SOUTHAMPTON = RACHEL STEVENS Girl next door - recently moved to pastures new. Everyone's second favourite. Might go far, might not. Who cares? Definite lack of strength in depth but manager making the most of her.
SPURS = JOAN COLLINS Hasn't done anything for decades but still acts like a big star. Puts on a good show for the die-hard fans but best days are behind her, despite injection of young talent.
WOLVES = SHERYL GASCOIGNE Who else would be deluded enough to give Gazza another chance? Looked good on the B-list but out of her depth in the top flight. Overshadowed by far more glamorous rivals.
