Liverpool FC Forum

by **laza** » Fri Jun 23, 2006 9:53 am

This man is working on the buses and collecting tickets. He rings the bell for the driver to drive off when there's a woman still getting on the bus.
The driver drives off, the woman falls from the bus and is killed.
At the trial the man is sent down for murder and seeing as it's Texas he's sent to the electric chair. On the day of his execution he's sat in the chair and the executioner grants him a final wish.

"Well" says the man, "is that your packed lunch over there?"
"Yes" answers the executioner.
"Can I have that green banana?" the man asks.
The executioner gives the man his green banana and waits until he's eaten it. When the man's finished, the executioner flips the switch sending hundreds of thousands of volts through the man. When the smoke clears the
man is still alive. The executioner can't believe it.

"Can I go?" the man asks.
"I suppose so" says the executioner, "that's never happened before."
The man leaves and eventually gets his job back on the buses selling tickets. Again he rings the bell for the driver to go when people are still getting on. A man falls under the wheels and is killed. The man is sent down for murder again and sent to the electric chair. The executioner is determined to do it right this time so rigs the chair up to the electric supply for the whole of Texas. The man is again sat in the chair.
"What is your final wish?" asks the executioner.

"Can I have that green banana in your packed lunch?" says the condemned man.
The executioner sighs and reluctantly gives up his banana. The man eats the banana all up and the executioner flips the switch. Millions of volts course through the chair blacking out Texas. When the smoke clears the man is still there smiling in the chair. The executioner can't believe it and lets the man go. Well, would you believe, the man gets his job back on the buses. Once again he rings the bell whilst passengers are still getting on, this time killing three of them. He is sent to the electric chair again.

The executioner rigs up all the electricity in America to the chair, determined to get his man this time. The man sits down in the chair smiling.
"What's your final wish?" asks the executioner.
"Well" says the man, "Can I have that green banana out of your packed lunch?"
The executioner hands over his banana and the man eats it all, skin included. The executioner then pulls the handle and a zillion million trillion volts go through the chair. When the smoke rises the man is still sat there alive without even a burn mark.
"I give up" says the executioner, "I don't understand. How you can still be alive after all that?" He stroked his chin. "It's something to do with that green banana isn't it?" he asked.

"Nah" said the man,"................ I'm just a really bad conductor."

by **dawson99** » Fri Jun 23, 2006 9:55 am

by **tommycockles** » Fri Jun 23, 2006 10:32 am

by **Mikz** » Fri Jun 23, 2006 11:49 am

muwhahaha

by **Leonmc0708** » Fri Jun 23, 2006 12:05 pm

Doh !

by **stmichael** » Fri Jun 23, 2006 12:35 pm

How do you get a fat girl into bed?

....piece of cake

by **Ola Mr Benitez** » Fri Jun 23, 2006 1:16 pm

v good...

George Bush has a heart attack and dies. Obviously, he goes to
hell where the devil is waiting for him.

I'm not sure what to do," says the devil. "You're on my list

but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here,

so I'm going to have to let someone else go. I've got three folks

here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go,

but you have to take their place. I'll even let you decide who

leaves."

George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed.

The devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a

large pool of water. He kept diving in and climbing out, over

and over. Such was his fate in hell. "No!" George said. "I don't

think so. I'm not a good swimmer and don't think I could do that

all day long."

The devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a

sledge hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing the

hammer, time after time. "No!" I've got this problem with my

shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was

break rocks all day." commented George.

The devil opened a third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton

lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his

legs staked in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica

Lewinsky, doing what she does best. George Bush looked at this in

disbelief for a while and finally said,

"Yeah, I can handle this."

The devil smiled and said

"Ok, Monica, you're free to go!"

by **daxy1** » Fri Jun 23, 2006 2:51 pm

ola mr benitez..... :wwww

funny as fukc... :cool:

by **laza** » Fri Jun 23, 2006 4:09 pm

excellent Ola Mr B

by **laza** » Mon Jul 03, 2006 8:22 am

Here are the 10 first place winners in the International Pun Contest.

1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The
stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion
allowed per passenger."

2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says,

"Dam!"

3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the
craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have
your kayak and heat it too.

4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron." The other
says "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."

5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal?

His goal: transcend dental medication.

6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in
the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour,
the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.
"But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand
chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption.
One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other
goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a
picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she
tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her
husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

8. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up
a small florist shop to raise funds.
Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist
across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good
fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to
close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the
roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up
the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop.
Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time,
which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very
little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from
bad breath. This made him...
(Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good).
A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to his
friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh.
No pun in ten did?

by **clik** » Mon Jul 03, 2006 8:46 am

what happened to the cross eyed circumciser?

he got the sack:laugh:

by **account deleted by request** » Mon Jul 03, 2006 3:49 pm

One day a Manc dies so before he goes to heaven he arrives at the gates of St Peters.
"Age?" St Peter asks.
"24" the Manc replied.
"Where did you live?"
"Well, um, Manchester"
"Were you blue or were you red" asked St. Peter.
"Red till I died" replied the Manc.
"Sorry no Mancs allowed into heaven they are all arrogant little tw@ts!"
"But but I have done good things."
"Like what?"
"Well, last week I gave a tenner to the homeless the week before that I gave a tenner to oxfam and the day I died I gave a tenner to the heart foundation!"
"Well I will see what I can do I will go and explain the situation to God."
After half an hour out comes St. Peter followed by god who is wearing a Liverpool shirt.
"Right I heard what you have done with all the good causes what with giving away thirty quid to charity and I have come up with a solution" God said.
"What is it?" asked the Manc.
"Well, here is your thirty quid now :censored:

off

by **clik** » Mon Jul 03, 2006 3:52 pm

s@int wrote:One day a Manc dies so before he goes to heaven he arrives at the gates of St Peters.
"Age?" St Peter asks.
"24" the Manc replied.
"Where did you live?"
"Well, um, Manchester"
"Were you blue or were you red" asked St. Peter.
"Red till I died" replied the Manc.
"Sorry no Mancs allowed into heaven they are all arrogant little tw@ts!"
"But but I have done good things."
"Like what?"
"Well, last week I gave a tenner to the homeless the week before that I gave a tenner to oxfam and the day I died I gave a tenner to the heart foundation!"
"Well I will see what I can do I will go and explain the situation to God."
After half an hour out comes St. Peter followed by god who is wearing a Liverpool shirt.
"Right I heard what you have done with all the good causes what with giving away thirty quid to charity and I have come up with a solution" God said.
"What is it?" asked the Manc.
"Well, here is your thirty quid now off

superb

by **sophe_lfc_4_lyf** » Tue Jul 04, 2006 3:17 pm

haha nice one

by **account deleted by request** » Tue Jul 04, 2006 3:49 pm

Michael Owen was told that he would feel much better if he had a Cortisone injection.
David Beckham heard this and said " If he's having a new car then so am I".

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