40-ish: 49
Adventurous: Slept with everyone.
Athletic: No breasts.
Average looking: Mooooooo.
Beautiful: Pathological liar.
Emotionally secure: On medication.
Feminist: Fat.
Free spirit: Junkie.
Friendship first: Reformed slapper.
New-Age: Body hair in the wrong places.
Old-fashioned: No BJs.
Open-minded: Desperate.
Outgoing: Loud and Embarrassing.
Professional: B*tch.
Voluptuous: Very Fat.
Large frame: Hugely Fat.
Wants soul mate: Stalker.
WOMEN'S ENGLISH:
1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want
5. I am sorry = You'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = You're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = You better not
8. Do what you want = You will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = Of course, I am upset, you moron!
10. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
MEN'S ENGLISH:
1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = Let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you.
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you.
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you.
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you.
11. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay
DICTIONARY FOR DECODING MEN'S PERSONAL ADS
40-ish: 59.
Adventurous: Slept with everything (including the neighbours dog and my ex wife's shower cap).
Athletic: I spend three hours a day in front of mirror flexing my non biceps and twitching my boob 'pecks' along to various Tom Jones tunes.
Average looking: Danni Divito's body with Woody Allan's face.
Handsome: Personal ad was written by his mother.
Emotionally secure: Still married.
In favour of woman's rights: Pathological liar.
Free spirit: Open relationships wanted.
Friendship first: Small penis.
New-Age: I'll try anything.
Old-fashioned: Male chauvinistic pig.
Open-minded: Any age/any sex.
Outgoing: I will talk/drink/
anyone under the table.Professional: Toff.
Cuddly: Beer belly/'high hips'.
Large frame: Bed bound.
Wants soul mate: Middle aged virgin.
WOMAN'S ENGLISH:
1. Yes = Yes (unless the question was, 'are you okay?' when the answer 'Yes' would mean, 'yes I was ok but now you have had to ask me I am not ok anymore')
2. No = No (unless the question was related to food in which case the answer would mean 'no I don't want to appear greedy so I will just take from your plate').
3. Maybe = No (unless you have a good bargaining tool).
4. We need = You need... and I can't believe you haven't mentioned it yet.
5. I am sorry = (followed by) but it's over.
6. We need to talk = Turn off the tv and face me now, at least appear to be listening.
7. Sure, go ahead = If you're ready for the consequences.
8. Do what you want = If you're prepared to do it without me.
9. I am not upset = Of course, I am upset, you moron!
10. You're certainly attentive tonight = Now I know how good it can be I will expect this every time.
MEN'S ENGLISH:
1. I am hungry = Make me dinner.
2. I am sleepy = Go on top.
3. I am tired = So I can't do anything for myself.
4. Nice dress = Response to, 'does my bum look big in this?'
5. I love you = Thank you for cooking/cleaning/ironing/generally taking over from my mother.
6. I am bored = Can we stop talking about sex and start doing it?
7. May I have this dance? = May I press myself up against you in an attempt to seem manly but really I am so lonely I need to get off any way I can?
8. Can I call you sometime? = Do you have a muscle bound husband who is likely to beat me with a hammer if I call you?
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I am bored with your constant conversation, lets go somewhere it is actually frowned upon to talk.
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = How about a Burger King?
11. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I have a death wish and I am looking for the easy road to hell.
