Liverpool FC Forum

by **TheoRacle** » Fri Jan 06, 2006 1:40 am

cisses_gona_get_ya wrote:so men, take me as I am with a surfboard

the mind boggles...

CGGY, you might need to elaborate for those of us who have not yet had our first caffiene dose for the day and are struggling to picture where the surfboard goes... :oops:

by **Lando_Griffin** » Fri Jan 06, 2006 5:29 am

Right. While the lawyers are busy shuffling paper and wasting my pennies, I'll answer this copy-cat thread. You b*stards.

1.) Personality.

My ideal woman must be interesting and engaging. She must be caring, considerate and lovely. (Shy in public, but brilliant when we're alone.) The sort of girl you can stay up for hours talking to, and still want more when the sun rises.
Someone who can make me howl with laughter, and be understanding when I'm upset/angry. Would be able to diffuse any anger I have.
She would be able to laugh at jokes about homo's and other disgusting stuff, rather than b*llock me like my current bird does!
An interest in sport is preferable, and music is essential. Polite and with manners.

2.) Facial features, etc.

I definately prefer the dark, Spanish-type looks such as Eva Longoria, etc.

Dark brown eyes, dark brown hair and a darkish skintone. (Cheryl Tweedy, Eva, etc.)
Small nose, and cute small mouth.
Hair has to be at least shoulder-length, and straight.

3.) Physique.

Not skinny, and not fat. Eva again, or Cheryl Tweedy are prime examples. Preferably no taller than 5'9'', and with a slim, athletic-ish build.

4.) Lifestyle.

Couldn't care less about her job as long as it isn't degrading, beneath her or in some way bad.
I like women who are largely independant, but who need you in a nice way.
Must be clean, particularly downstairs.
I like women who like walking, especially at night.

No slags please. I couldn't cope if she'd been with a load of lads. Less partners than me - OK. More - no thanks.

5.) Appearance.

If we went out I'd like her to dress attractively but not look slutty. I am a massive leg man, so a skirt is good provided they have lovely legs (no dirty cellulite!). Not too short, as I want that for later!

I like women who look cute and shy, reserved and polite. Not one of these slags who go around face-humping every bloke in the area.
At home, obviously I'd like them to look good, but I think that shorts and t-shirts or even jogging bottoms can look fetching on the right girls.
Thongs are preferable, but I also like those hot-pant-type things aswell.

6.) Most attractive features.

Physical:

Eyes, legs and hair. I also really like pert bums, toned stomachs and ofcourse - pert boobies!!!!

Mental:

Caring, loving and devoted.

This would go to making my perfect woman.

P.S.

For all the ladies out there, here is my "Clubman's Guide":

A fool-proof way of avoiding one night stands when looking for a boyfriend is:

1.) If you dress like a slag, you can't blame the bloke for treating you like one.

2.) Refrain from sex for at least a week.
It's much better to keep us men hanging on, then you weed out the players, and find the ones who genuinely like you.

3.) Don't drone on about yourself, hair courses, your desire to have 14 children, or the fact that you stabbed your last boyfriend.

4.) Don't appear desperate by ringing us several minutes after we leave your company, and texting us every three seconds.

5.) Don't fart or burp within the first month of any relationship. That's what the boys do.

And most importantly:

6.) Don't get p*ssed and let him sh*g you in the club sh*tters.

Just some practical advice for some of the budding babes on here. :;):

by **Lando_Griffin** » Fri Jan 06, 2006 5:42 am

Oh and BTW Ladies:

Never, under any circumstances, I repeat NEVER, NEVER, NEVER EVER EVER, no matter how much your man begs you to be honest, NEVER say that any of your previous boyfriends were better in the sack that him, or that their wang was bigger.

This kind of exclaimation is tantamount to high treason, and for the safety of your relationship and the mental wellbeing of your boyfriend, it is paramount that you do not disclose this kind of information.

Just imagine how you'd feel if we said "Ah, I suppose your boobies are ok, but Louise's were f*cking awesome!!!! I've never seen a better pair, and I used to spend weeks on end camped up in her cleavage playing 'hide the sausage'".

Think about it.

by **babu** » Fri Jan 06, 2006 7:07 am

I had this sent to me awhile back and I thought it might be appropiate to post it here.
Ladies feel free to use this advice.

IF MEN WROTE ADVICE COLUMNS

by **dawson99** » Fri Jan 06, 2006 9:09 am

ok people. i actually did this as a joke,a nd a retrospective cynical look after seeing landosfar superior thread on the fairer sex (please dont sue me lando) but the guys here are actually showing some emotion... well kind of.

so i guess id better say how i like my women.

ok, just been thinking about this, and ive realised, im feally not that bothered, as long as shes not a manc and shes not a b*tch then thats cool. just someone fun with boobies (tads)

and honesty... remember people, just because they say they haven't slept with amny guys, doesn't mean they haven't sucked a lot of....

i'll let this quote sequence from clerks describe what i mean:

Dante Hicks: You said you only had sex with three different guys; you never mentioned him!
Veronica Loughran: Because I never HAD sex with him.
Dante Hicks: You sucked his dick!
Veronica Loughran: We went out a few times. We never had sex but we fooled around.
Dante Hicks: Oh my God, WHY did you tell me you only had sex with three different guys?
Veronica Loughran: Because I DID only have sex with three different guys; that doesn't mean I didn't just go with people.
Dante Hicks: Oh my God, I feel so nauseous!
Veronica Loughran: I'm sorry, Dante, I thought you understood!
Dante Hicks: I did understand! I understood that you had sex with three different guys and that's all you said!
Veronica Loughran: Please calm down.
Dante Hicks: How many?
Veronica Loughran: Dante...
Dante Hicks: How many dicks have you sucked?
Veronica Loughran: Let it go!
Dante Hicks: How many?
Veronica Loughran: All right, shut up a second and I'll tell you! Jesus! I didn't freak out like this when you told me how many girls you f*cked!
Dante Hicks: This is different, this is important. How many?
[long pause as customer buys something]
Dante Hicks: Well?
Veronica Loughran: Something like... 36.
Dante Hicks: What? Something like 36?
Veronica Loughran: Lower your voice.
Dante Hicks: Wait a minute, what is that anyway, something like 36? Does that INCLUDE me?
Veronica Loughran: Ummm... 37.
Dante Hicks: I'm 37?

later on:

Dante Hicks in street as Veronica leaves (shouting to himself) My girlfriend sucked 37 dicks!!!
Man in street: In a row?

by **Judge** » Fri Jan 06, 2006 9:11 am

passmeistro_#14 wrote:I'm a ar.se man myself...

what a GAY thing to say

by **dawson99** » Fri Jan 06, 2006 9:25 am

dawson99 wrote:ok people. i actually did this as a joke,a nd a retrospective cynical look after seeing landosfar superior thread on the fairer sex (please dont sue me lando) but the guys here are actually showing some emotion... well kind of.

so i guess id better say how i like my women.

ok, just been thinking about this, and ive realised, im feally not that bothered, as long as shes not a manc and shes not a b*tch then thats cool. just someone fun with boobies (tads)

and honesty... remember people, just because they say they haven't slept with amny guys, doesn't mean they haven't sucked a lot of....

i'll let this quote sequence from clerks describe what i mean:

Dante Hicks: You said you only had sex with three different guys; you never mentioned him!
Veronica Loughran: Because I never HAD sex with him.
Dante Hicks: You sucked his dick!
Veronica Loughran: We went out a few times. We never had sex but we fooled around.
Dante Hicks: Oh my God, WHY did you tell me you only had sex with three different guys?
Veronica Loughran: Because I DID only have sex with three different guys; that doesn't mean I didn't just go with people.
Dante Hicks: Oh my God, I feel so nauseous!
Veronica Loughran: I'm sorry, Dante, I thought you understood!
Dante Hicks: I did understand! I understood that you had sex with three different guys and that's all you said!
Veronica Loughran: Please calm down.
Dante Hicks: How many?
Veronica Loughran: Dante...
Dante Hicks: How many dicks have you sucked?
Veronica Loughran: Let it go!
Dante Hicks: How many?
Veronica Loughran: All right, shut up a second and I'll tell you! Jesus! I didn't freak out like this when you told me how many girls you f*cked!
Dante Hicks: This is different, this is important. How many?
[long pause as customer buys something]
Dante Hicks: Well?
Veronica Loughran: Something like... 36.
Dante Hicks: What? Something like 36?
Veronica Loughran: Lower your voice.
Dante Hicks: Wait a minute, what is that anyway, something like 36? Does that INCLUDE me?
Veronica Loughran: Ummm... 37.
Dante Hicks: I'm 37?

later on:

Dante Hicks in street as Veronica leaves (shouting to himself) My girlfriend sucked 37 dicks!!!
Man in street: In a row?

i spent ages typing this out, then it was lost, so putting it back here...lol

by **hawkmoon269** » Fri Jan 06, 2006 10:50 am

Woollyback wrote:
hawkmoon269 wrote:I'm a leg man myself!! Nothing better than a nice pair of long legs with high heels - those 1980's black stilleto type things!!!

too many robert palmer videos, get to bed hawky

Now your talking. Remember the trend for tight lycra leggings and high heels in the 90's. I remember sitting on the mall in University just watching the world go by!! The sports hysiotherapy students where the best........as that great (NOT!!) musician Cher once said "If I could turn back time" .....oops getting my threads confused! :eyebrow

by **Lando_Griffin** » Sat Jan 07, 2006 5:37 am

Well Dawson, you've crossed the line, but I'm prepared to forgive you if you convince Natalie Portman to suck my balls!!!!!

Seriously though...

by **RAFABENITEZ** » Wed Feb 08, 2006 7:56 am

RAFABENITEZ wrote:1.) Personality,----must tolerate excessive watching of footy by me (6games a weekend) not passie. Spontanious and make me feel threatened and challenged (not in a gimp way)
2.) Face (Eyes, hair, etc)------ Brunettes score 10 points, Black hair 8 points, 6 points blondes. The only gingers acceptable are those who rsemble Nicola from Girls Aloud. Eyes are important. If you have eyes like Cameron Diaz then your a winner. Face must be of normal proportions, it doesnt have to be amazing but jut decent. I have to spunk on it !! Oh and i nearly forgot, no too muck make up
3.) Physique----- not too skinny not too fat. You must hav a good ar$e it should resemble a C shape from side veiw. To help you gain this nice ar$e, i reccomend that you walk a staris two steps at a time, this tones the ar$e more. I aint a titty man, infact Keira Knightley size norks are the acceptable start. Legs must be of decent girth, no Radcliffes ladies. For inspiration check out Gwen Stefanis legs.
4.) Lifestyle--- The following bands mut be loved or tolrated by you - Oasis, stone roses, FFAF, blink 182, Sex Pistols, manics, babyshambles, the libs.
5.) Appearance (dress sense, roguish, womanly, etc.) -- I prefer you to be quite outrageous, not too conformist not too punk, no trackies, gypsy skirts, or scally clothing. Liverpool shirt occassionaly, but basically do your own thing and fukc to what the rest are wearing. Some mad colours in hair now and again are cool on you eg. pink purple red etc... Underwear --no grany pants, even when your on the blob, knickers ok, thong- ding dang do, g string - yeah , NEVER EVER WEAR GIRLBOXERS. the following colours are good - RED, orange, white, black, mixed, dark green, purple. NOT - blue, brown.
6.) Most attractive feature (Physical and mental.) Mentally it has to be the ability to see passed peoples front and be good at understanding them and their feelings. Physical - ar$e and face.

Ah

I found her

by **Gaunt** » Wed Feb 08, 2006 5:40 pm

Hehe congrats mate

by **RAFABENITEZ** » Wed Feb 08, 2006 11:18 pm

Gaunt wrote:Hehe congrats mate

yeah shes great, but she has a bf it aint wrking out between em so we are gonna met up.
55 MILES apart.
cant stop thinking bowt her.

by **RAFABENITEZ** » Wed Feb 08, 2006 11:20 pm

black hair brown eyes. ah jeeez :love:

by **RAFABENITEZ** » Wed Feb 08, 2006 11:42 pm

800 posts. my head is filled with nothing but her her her her her her her. Whats went wrong? god i feel swept under........

by **Gaunt** » Thu Feb 09, 2006 2:34 pm

RAFABENITEZ wrote:800 posts. my head is filled with nothing but her her her her her her her. Whats went wrong? god i feel swept under........

And they called it puppyyy loveee...

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