Liverpool FC Forum

by **dward** » Fri Oct 14, 2005 3:14 pm

Lee J wrote:Paddy the Irishman died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly.
So the morgue needed someone to identify the body. His two best friends, Seamus and Sean (also Irishmen), were sent for. Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Seamus said "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over". So the mortician rolled him over. Seamus looked and said "Nope, it ain't Paddy". The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought Sean in to identify the body. Sean took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over". The mortician rolled him over and Sean looked down and said,"No, it ain't Paddy". The mortician asked, "How can you tell?" Sean said, "Well, Paddy had two arseholes." "What, he had two arseholes???" said the mortician. "Yup, everyone knew he had two arseholes. Every time we went into town, folks would say, "Here comes Paddy with them two arseholes...."

by **DrTNT** » Sat Oct 15, 2005 12:57 am

A panda bear walks into a restaurant and orders a burger. After he is finished, the waiter comes up to him and says, "Would you like any desert?" The panda bear reaches into its fur, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. He then wipes his chin with a napkin and heads for the door, the manager grabs him and says; "Wait a minute! You've just killed my best waiter and to top that off, you didn't pay for your burger!" The panda then grabs the manager by the throat and says "Hey I'm a panda. Do you know what that means? Go and look it up in the dictionary." Then the panda walks down the street. So, the manager goes into his office and looks up panda in his dictionary. He read, "Panda - A large mammal of the Asian mountain forests related to racoons and true bears and characterised by bold black and white markings. Eats shoots and leaves!"

by **Afroman** » Sat Oct 15, 2005 1:11 am

by **LIVERPOOLTILLIDIE** » Sat Oct 15, 2005 1:27 pm

A liverpool and evertonfan collide in a huge accident on the motorway. Both cars are a wreck, but both men are unhurt.

"This must be a sign from God that we are meant to be friends" says the liverpool fan "I agree" replies the everton fan

The liverpool fan then returns to the wreckage of his car, and finds a bottle of whiskey he had been saving.

"Look" he says to the everton fan, "this must be another sign from God, we should drink this whiskey to celebrate our friendship and survival"

He hands the bottle over to the everton fan who takes a large gulp from the bottle before passing it back to the liverpool fan, who then puts the top back on & returns the bottle to his car.

"Aren't you having any?" asks the everton fan. "No" replied the liverpool fan, "I think I’ll wait til the Police get here."

by **LIVERPOOLTILLIDIE** » Sat Oct 15, 2005 1:30 pm

David Beckham walks into a sperm donor bank,
"I'd like to donate some sperm" he says to the receptionist.
"Certainly Sir" replies the receptionist, "have you donated before?".
"Yes" replies Beckham "you should have my details on your computer".
"Oh yes, I've found your details" says the receptionist "but I see you're going to need help. Shall I call Posh Spice for you?"
"Why do I need help?" asks Beckham. The receptionist replies
"Well David, it says on your record that you're a useless :censored:

...."

by **Daire** » Sat Oct 15, 2005 4:00 pm

Why are pirates called pirates?
They just arrrr!

What do a phone and a dog have in coomon?
Coller ID

by **Afroman** » Sat Oct 15, 2005 4:26 pm

Daire wrote:Why are pirates called pirates?
They just arrrr!

Class

by **LIVERPOOLTILLIDIE** » Sun Oct 16, 2005 2:19 pm

Daire wrote:Why are pirates called pirates?
They just arrrr!

thats great

by **dward** » Sun Oct 16, 2005 6:19 pm

more everton jokes please! i love em!!!

by **greenred** » Sun Oct 16, 2005 11:10 pm

What's the difference between an Everton fan and a trampoline?
You take off your shoes before you jump on a trampoline.

by **greenred** » Sun Oct 16, 2005 11:17 pm

What do Blues do when Everton win the Champions League?

They turn off the playstation.

by **Mikz** » Sun Oct 16, 2005 11:39 pm

A lonely older lady, aged 75, decided it was time to get married. She put an ad in the local paper that read:
“HUSBAND WANTED.
Must be in my age group, must not beat me, must not run around on me,
and must still be good in bed! – All applicants must apply in person.”
On the second day of the ad she heard the doorbell ring. Much to her dismay, when she opened the door,
there sat a man in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs.
She asked “You don’t expect me to consider you? Just look at you – you have no legs.”
The old man smiled: “Therefore no chance to run around on you.”
She snorted: “You have no arms either.” Again the old man smiled. “Nor can I beat you.”
The old lady raised her eyebrows and gazed at him intensely. “Are you still good in bed?” she asked.
The old man smirked and said: “Well I rang the door bell, didn’t I?”

by **wrighty (not mark!)** » Mon Oct 17, 2005 2:07 pm

There's a woman sunbathing on the beach who has no arms and no legs. I lad accidently smacks her in the face with a football.

lad:'Ar luv, I'm so sorry!'
Woman: 'You ars*hole!how can u be so stupid!?'
lad:'I'll do anything to make it up to you'
woman:'anything?................'
lad:'yer anything!'

So the woman says, 'Ihaven't been fingered before will you finger me', 'alright then' says the lad and he fingers her.

Then she says' Ihaven't been licked out before will you lick me out?',again the lad agrees to do the business.

She then says, 'I haven't been f(cked before'. The lad says,

'You are now, the tide's coming in!'

by **anfieldadorer** » Mon Oct 17, 2005 3:31 pm

good one there about bear
now how do you catch a bear?

First you dig a hole and fill it up with ashes. Then you take some peas and and put it around the hole and when the bear comes to take a pea you kick him in the ash hole.

by **anfieldadorer** » Mon Oct 17, 2005 3:39 pm

dward wrote:more everton jokes please! i love em!!!

those wouldn't be bad jokes

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