The Post Office have just recalled their latest stamps The special set of commemorative stamps had pictures of Man United players on them... but people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.
How could you kill a Man United fan when he's drinking?
Slam the toilet seat on his head.
Why should Man United fans be buried 100 feet deep?
Because deep down, they're really good people.
What's the difference between a Man United supporter and a bucket of cow manure?
The bucket.
What's the definition of "a shame" (as in, "that's a shame")?
When a busload of Man United fans goes off a cliff.
What is the definition of a "crying shame"?
When there was an empty seat.
Q: What do you have when 100 Man United fans are buried up to their necks in sand?
A: Not enough sand.
Q: Why do Man U fans stand up at Old Trafford?
A: Well, you would after that long journey from London.
Q: What's red and white and funny?
A: A bus load of Man U fans going over a cliff.
Q: How do you confuse a Man U fan?
A: Show him a map of Manchester.
Q. What do you get if you cross a Man Utd fan with a Jehovahs witness?
A. Someone who knocks on your door and asks for directions to Manchester.
Q: Why is David Beckham like a Ferrero Roche?
A: They both come in a posh box
More jokes - Mainly bout manc scum
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• Page 1 of 1
by Chrissy » Tue Mar 01, 2005 9:24 am
And some TRUE quotes from United players...
Interviewer: 'Would it be fair to describe you as a volatile player?' David Beckham: 'Well, I can play in the centre, on the right and occasionally on the left side.'
'I definitely want Brooklyn to be christened, but I don't know into what religion yet.' (David Beckham)
'My parents have been there for me, ever since I was about 7.' (David Beckham)
'The Brazilians were South American, and the Ukrainians will be more European.' (Phil Neville)
Interviewer: 'Would it be fair to describe you as a volatile player?' David Beckham: 'Well, I can play in the centre, on the right and occasionally on the left side.'
'I definitely want Brooklyn to be christened, but I don't know into what religion yet.' (David Beckham)
'My parents have been there for me, ever since I was about 7.' (David Beckham)
'The Brazilians were South American, and the Ukrainians will be more European.' (Phil Neville)
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Chrissy - >> LFC Elite Member <<
- Posts: 309
- Joined: Wed Dec 08, 2004 9:25 am
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by Chrissy » Tue Mar 01, 2005 9:24 am
What's the difference between a Everton fan and a trampoline?
You take off your shoes before you jump on a trampoline.
A man was sent to Hell for his sins. As he was being taken to his place of eternal torment, he passed a room where a Everton fan was having an intimate conversation with a beautiful young woman. "What a rip-off," the man muttered. "I have to roast for all eternity, and that mindless moron gets to spend it with a beautiful woman." Jabbing the man with his pitchfork, the escorting demon snarled, "Who are you to question that woman's punishment?"
What do you get when you cross a pig with a Everton supporter?
Nothing. There are some things a pig won't do.
Q: Why does Walter Smith keep visiting Argos?
A: Because that is the only way he can pick up any Premier points.
You take off your shoes before you jump on a trampoline.
A man was sent to Hell for his sins. As he was being taken to his place of eternal torment, he passed a room where a Everton fan was having an intimate conversation with a beautiful young woman. "What a rip-off," the man muttered. "I have to roast for all eternity, and that mindless moron gets to spend it with a beautiful woman." Jabbing the man with his pitchfork, the escorting demon snarled, "Who are you to question that woman's punishment?"
What do you get when you cross a pig with a Everton supporter?
Nothing. There are some things a pig won't do.
Q: Why does Walter Smith keep visiting Argos?
A: Because that is the only way he can pick up any Premier points.
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Chrissy - >> LFC Elite Member <<
- Posts: 309
- Joined: Wed Dec 08, 2004 9:25 am
- Location: Planet Earth
by Chrissy » Tue Mar 01, 2005 9:25 am
Q: What's the difference between Nigel Martyn and a taxi driver?
A: A taxi driver only lets in four at a time.
Q: How can you tell when Leeds are losing?
A: It's five past three.
A: A taxi driver only lets in four at a time.
Q: How can you tell when Leeds are losing?
A: It's five past three.
-
Chrissy - >> LFC Elite Member <<
- Posts: 309
- Joined: Wed Dec 08, 2004 9:25 am
- Location: Planet Earth
by Chrissy » Tue Mar 01, 2005 9:26 am
Q: How can you tell the elephant man is an Everton fan?
A: Because he looks like one
Q: What is the difference between a man with no tongue and an Everton fan?
A: The man with no tongue has better taste.
Q: Why is the pitch at Goodison so green?
A: Because they keep putting lots of ****** on it.
Q: What's the difference between Duncan Ferguson and Marks & Spencer?
A: You always get a full refund on unwanted goods at Marks & Spencer.
Q: What's the difference between an Everton fan and a lemon?
A: One's yellow, bitter and best twisted, and the other's a citrus fruit!
Q: Whats the difference between Everton and a tea-bag?
A: A tea bag stays in the cup longer
Q: Why should Everton fans be buried 100 feet deep?
A: Because deep down, they're really good people.
Q: What's the difference between Everton's squad and a puddle?
A: A puddle has more depth
Q: What's the difference between an Everton fan and a coconut?
A: One's thick and hairy, and the other's a tropical fruit.
Did you here about the Conservative MP who was found dead in an Everton strip ? The police had to dress him up in womans underwear in order to save his family from the embarrassment
Q. Why are Everton supporters banned from Europe ?
A. Because they threw the cannons off the ferry the last time they where there.
Walter Smith was worried that his team were not showing signs of improvement, so he went to Gerard Houllier and asked him the secret of why his side were so good!!!? That's easy, said Gerard, we practise every day against 11 dustbins. Oh, said Walter, I'll try that.
Two weeks later, Gerard saw Walter in the street, and asked him whether the plan had worked. Oh no, said Walter, we had to abandon that idea, the Dustbins won 5-0.
Aidan Sherry
Last year, my aged Great Aunt, who is more than a bit senile, gave me an Everton season ticket for Christmas. Not wanting it, I took it down to Goodison Park, and nailed it to the gates. A couple of weeks later, I had a change of heart, and decided that it was stupid to give something as valuable as that to any old stranger, so I went to retreive the prized item. When I returned, however, it was too late.
Some ****** had nicked the nail.
Walter Smith goes into a building society to deposit some money. Whilst there, a robbery takes place, and Walter is knocked unconsious during the struggle. In a few minutes he comes round, but is still very confused.
"What, er, how, er, where am I?" he mumbles.
"Relax. Your in the Nationwide" says a paramedic. Smith replies,
"Bloody Hell! You mean I've been asleep all season?"
Top tip for Everton fans: don't waste money on expensive new kits every season. Simply strap a large inflatable penis to your forehead, and everyone will immediateley know which team you support.
An anxious woman goes to her doctor. "Doctor," she asks nervously, "can you get pregnant from anal intercourse?" "Certainly," replies the doctor, "Where do you think Everton fans come from?"
There was this 22-year old secretary girl from Merseyside was vacationing in Tampa. However, as she walked along the beach eyeing the big-bosomed girls walking arm-in-arm with their boyfriends, she became distraught, for she had a rather insignificant pair of jugs. Suddenly, she spied a murky old bottle that had washed up on the beach, and for want of alternative amusement, picked it up. Poof! Out emerged a genie, complete with flowing oriental robes who immediately offered to grant her any two wishes that she desired. "Then, give me two of the biggest tits in the whole, wide world", she moaned. Poof!! Poof!! Immediately there emerged before her eyes, Francis Jeffers and Duncan Ferguson!
Q: Why do Evertonians plant seed potatoes behind the goal at Goodison?
A: So that they have something to lift at the end of the season!!
Three footballl fans were on their way to a game when one noticed a foot sticking out of the bushes by the side of the road. They stopped and discovered a nude female dead drunk. Out of respect and propriety, the Liverpool fan took off his cap and placed it over her right breast. The Tranmere fan took off his cap and placed it over her left breast. Following their lead, the Everton fan took off his cap and placed it over her crotch. The police were called and when the officer arrived, he conducted his inspection. First, he lifted up the Liverpool cap, replaced it, and wrote down some notes. Next, he lifted the Tranmere cap, replaced it, and wrote down some more notes. The officer then lifted the Everton cap, replaced it, then lifted it again, replaced it, lifted it a third time, and replaced it one last time.
The Blues fan was getting upset and finally asked, "What are you, a pervert or something? Why do you keep lifting and looking, lifting and looking?"
Well," said the officer. "I am simply surprised. Normally when I look under an Everton hat, I find an ******.
This professor of psychology at Liverpool uni built a truth telling chair: every time someone sitting in it lied, the bottom of the chair - essentially a trapdoor mechanism - collapsed sending the seated person flying to the ground.
He knew it worked - he'd tried it. but he had to do some research before any one would believe him. So he advertised in the Echo for volunteers to come along and they'd get a fiver for their troubles, every hour. He received loads of replies and as such was able to take from any selection he liked. As a control for the experiment he decided to pick football supporters, and invited three along for the first day of trials.....
Anyway, the first day came and a Liverpool fan arrived, he sat in the chair and began to speak...
"I think Liverpool football club are definitely the third force in English football.." and instantly the chair collapsed, sending him sprawling to the floor before he could carry on.
Next, a Tranmere fan arrived, he sat in the chair and began to speak...
"I think Tranmere Rovers football Club are still capable of mounting a similar challenge on the title as last season.." and instantly the chair collapsed, sending him sprawling to the floor before he could carry on.
Then an Everton fan arrived, he sat in the chair and began to speak...
"I think.." and instantly the chair collapsed sending him sprawling to the floor before he could carry on.
A man goes to Speake airport and eventually goes into the departure lounge to wait for the call for his flight home. The place is a mess. All around him are overturned tables, smashed windows, upturned chairs, broken flight monitors and crowd control barriers littering the floor. "Christ, what happened here?" he asks one of the ground crew. "Oh yeah", he replies "Bloody hopeless it was, we had the Everton squad in here this morning filming the new Nike ad."
An Everton fan dies and arrives at the pearly gates of heaven to be greeted by the angel Gabriel dressed in the full Liverpool kit...
Gabriel: We don't allow Everton fans into heaven.
Everton Fan: But I've led a good life and done lots of good things.
Gabriel: Like what?
Everton Fan: Well, last week I donated £10 to Kosovo refugees
Gabriel: So?!?
Everton Fan: And the week before that I donated £10 to Help the Aged
Gabriel: So?!?
Everton Fan: And the week before that I gave £10 to Cancer Research
Gabriel: I tell you what, I'll go and discuss this with God, wait here.
Gabriel returns 5 minutes later.
Everton Fan: Well, can I come in?
Gabriel: No, here's your thirty quid back, now ****** off!!!
Walter Smith went to the Everton Xmas party dressed as a pumpkin.
Come midnight he still hadn't turned into a coach.
HAFNIA - Haven't achieved ****** nothing in ages !
N.E.C. -No European Cup
Never Ending ******
Nobody ever comes
No Everton Championship
Neville eats Cak ( ****** lardarse binman ******!)
A little boy from Liverpool had gone to Rome on holiday with his family hoping to see the Pope. Anyway, a couple of days after they'd arrived the Pope was doing a tour of the city in his Popemobile. The little lad was bit worried that the Pope wouldn't be able to pick him out in the crowd, so his Mum said "don't worry, the Pope is a footy fan, so wear your Liverpool shirt and he's bound to pick you out and talk to you". So, they're in the crowd, but the Popemobile drives past them, and stops a bit further down the street where John Paul gets out and speaks to a little boy in an Everton shirt. The Liverpool lad is distraught and starts crying. His Mum says, "don't worry, the Pope's driving around tomorrow as well, so we'll get you an Everton shirt and then he's bound to stop to see you". The next day arrives, and the boy's got on his new Everton shirt. The Popemobile stops right by him, John Paul gets out, bends down and says to the lad "I thought I told you scum to ****** off yesterday?"...
Q: Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps?
A: They had pictures of Everton players on them ... and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.
Q: What do you have when 100 Everton fans are buried up to their neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.
Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead Everton fan in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.
Q: You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake, and an Everton fan.
You have a gun with two bullets.
What should you do?
A: Shoot the Everton fan... Twice.
A: Because he looks like one
Q: What is the difference between a man with no tongue and an Everton fan?
A: The man with no tongue has better taste.
Q: Why is the pitch at Goodison so green?
A: Because they keep putting lots of ****** on it.
Q: What's the difference between Duncan Ferguson and Marks & Spencer?
A: You always get a full refund on unwanted goods at Marks & Spencer.
Q: What's the difference between an Everton fan and a lemon?
A: One's yellow, bitter and best twisted, and the other's a citrus fruit!
Q: Whats the difference between Everton and a tea-bag?
A: A tea bag stays in the cup longer
Q: Why should Everton fans be buried 100 feet deep?
A: Because deep down, they're really good people.
Q: What's the difference between Everton's squad and a puddle?
A: A puddle has more depth
Q: What's the difference between an Everton fan and a coconut?
A: One's thick and hairy, and the other's a tropical fruit.
Did you here about the Conservative MP who was found dead in an Everton strip ? The police had to dress him up in womans underwear in order to save his family from the embarrassment
Q. Why are Everton supporters banned from Europe ?
A. Because they threw the cannons off the ferry the last time they where there.
Walter Smith was worried that his team were not showing signs of improvement, so he went to Gerard Houllier and asked him the secret of why his side were so good!!!? That's easy, said Gerard, we practise every day against 11 dustbins. Oh, said Walter, I'll try that.
Two weeks later, Gerard saw Walter in the street, and asked him whether the plan had worked. Oh no, said Walter, we had to abandon that idea, the Dustbins won 5-0.
Aidan Sherry
Last year, my aged Great Aunt, who is more than a bit senile, gave me an Everton season ticket for Christmas. Not wanting it, I took it down to Goodison Park, and nailed it to the gates. A couple of weeks later, I had a change of heart, and decided that it was stupid to give something as valuable as that to any old stranger, so I went to retreive the prized item. When I returned, however, it was too late.
Some ****** had nicked the nail.
Walter Smith goes into a building society to deposit some money. Whilst there, a robbery takes place, and Walter is knocked unconsious during the struggle. In a few minutes he comes round, but is still very confused.
"What, er, how, er, where am I?" he mumbles.
"Relax. Your in the Nationwide" says a paramedic. Smith replies,
"Bloody Hell! You mean I've been asleep all season?"
Top tip for Everton fans: don't waste money on expensive new kits every season. Simply strap a large inflatable penis to your forehead, and everyone will immediateley know which team you support.
An anxious woman goes to her doctor. "Doctor," she asks nervously, "can you get pregnant from anal intercourse?" "Certainly," replies the doctor, "Where do you think Everton fans come from?"
There was this 22-year old secretary girl from Merseyside was vacationing in Tampa. However, as she walked along the beach eyeing the big-bosomed girls walking arm-in-arm with their boyfriends, she became distraught, for she had a rather insignificant pair of jugs. Suddenly, she spied a murky old bottle that had washed up on the beach, and for want of alternative amusement, picked it up. Poof! Out emerged a genie, complete with flowing oriental robes who immediately offered to grant her any two wishes that she desired. "Then, give me two of the biggest tits in the whole, wide world", she moaned. Poof!! Poof!! Immediately there emerged before her eyes, Francis Jeffers and Duncan Ferguson!
Q: Why do Evertonians plant seed potatoes behind the goal at Goodison?
A: So that they have something to lift at the end of the season!!
Three footballl fans were on their way to a game when one noticed a foot sticking out of the bushes by the side of the road. They stopped and discovered a nude female dead drunk. Out of respect and propriety, the Liverpool fan took off his cap and placed it over her right breast. The Tranmere fan took off his cap and placed it over her left breast. Following their lead, the Everton fan took off his cap and placed it over her crotch. The police were called and when the officer arrived, he conducted his inspection. First, he lifted up the Liverpool cap, replaced it, and wrote down some notes. Next, he lifted the Tranmere cap, replaced it, and wrote down some more notes. The officer then lifted the Everton cap, replaced it, then lifted it again, replaced it, lifted it a third time, and replaced it one last time.
The Blues fan was getting upset and finally asked, "What are you, a pervert or something? Why do you keep lifting and looking, lifting and looking?"
Well," said the officer. "I am simply surprised. Normally when I look under an Everton hat, I find an ******.
This professor of psychology at Liverpool uni built a truth telling chair: every time someone sitting in it lied, the bottom of the chair - essentially a trapdoor mechanism - collapsed sending the seated person flying to the ground.
He knew it worked - he'd tried it. but he had to do some research before any one would believe him. So he advertised in the Echo for volunteers to come along and they'd get a fiver for their troubles, every hour. He received loads of replies and as such was able to take from any selection he liked. As a control for the experiment he decided to pick football supporters, and invited three along for the first day of trials.....
Anyway, the first day came and a Liverpool fan arrived, he sat in the chair and began to speak...
"I think Liverpool football club are definitely the third force in English football.." and instantly the chair collapsed, sending him sprawling to the floor before he could carry on.
Next, a Tranmere fan arrived, he sat in the chair and began to speak...
"I think Tranmere Rovers football Club are still capable of mounting a similar challenge on the title as last season.." and instantly the chair collapsed, sending him sprawling to the floor before he could carry on.
Then an Everton fan arrived, he sat in the chair and began to speak...
"I think.." and instantly the chair collapsed sending him sprawling to the floor before he could carry on.
A man goes to Speake airport and eventually goes into the departure lounge to wait for the call for his flight home. The place is a mess. All around him are overturned tables, smashed windows, upturned chairs, broken flight monitors and crowd control barriers littering the floor. "Christ, what happened here?" he asks one of the ground crew. "Oh yeah", he replies "Bloody hopeless it was, we had the Everton squad in here this morning filming the new Nike ad."
An Everton fan dies and arrives at the pearly gates of heaven to be greeted by the angel Gabriel dressed in the full Liverpool kit...
Gabriel: We don't allow Everton fans into heaven.
Everton Fan: But I've led a good life and done lots of good things.
Gabriel: Like what?
Everton Fan: Well, last week I donated £10 to Kosovo refugees
Gabriel: So?!?
Everton Fan: And the week before that I donated £10 to Help the Aged
Gabriel: So?!?
Everton Fan: And the week before that I gave £10 to Cancer Research
Gabriel: I tell you what, I'll go and discuss this with God, wait here.
Gabriel returns 5 minutes later.
Everton Fan: Well, can I come in?
Gabriel: No, here's your thirty quid back, now ****** off!!!
Walter Smith went to the Everton Xmas party dressed as a pumpkin.
Come midnight he still hadn't turned into a coach.
HAFNIA - Haven't achieved ****** nothing in ages !
N.E.C. -No European Cup
Never Ending ******
Nobody ever comes
No Everton Championship
Neville eats Cak ( ****** lardarse binman ******!)
A little boy from Liverpool had gone to Rome on holiday with his family hoping to see the Pope. Anyway, a couple of days after they'd arrived the Pope was doing a tour of the city in his Popemobile. The little lad was bit worried that the Pope wouldn't be able to pick him out in the crowd, so his Mum said "don't worry, the Pope is a footy fan, so wear your Liverpool shirt and he's bound to pick you out and talk to you". So, they're in the crowd, but the Popemobile drives past them, and stops a bit further down the street where John Paul gets out and speaks to a little boy in an Everton shirt. The Liverpool lad is distraught and starts crying. His Mum says, "don't worry, the Pope's driving around tomorrow as well, so we'll get you an Everton shirt and then he's bound to stop to see you". The next day arrives, and the boy's got on his new Everton shirt. The Popemobile stops right by him, John Paul gets out, bends down and says to the lad "I thought I told you scum to ****** off yesterday?"...
Q: Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps?
A: They had pictures of Everton players on them ... and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.
Q: What do you have when 100 Everton fans are buried up to their neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.
Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead Everton fan in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.
Q: You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake, and an Everton fan.
You have a gun with two bullets.
What should you do?
A: Shoot the Everton fan... Twice.
-
Chrissy - >> LFC Elite Member <<
- Posts: 309
- Joined: Wed Dec 08, 2004 9:25 am
- Location: Planet Earth
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