by greenred » Mon Oct 25, 2004 7:23 pm
Funny article in yesterdays paper about Mutu Mutu feels a right charlie
Sunday October 24, 2004
The Observer
Startlingly, the world of football seems to have reacted to Adrian Mutu's drugs escapade with a degree of common sense. In particular, and at last, there is the dawning realisation that there may be a difference between recreational drugs and the performance enhancing kind. You can have one without the other.
If the Chelsea striker had snorted a fat line of coke off the mirror that José Mourinho carries everywhere for reassurance as part of his pre-match preparation, his performance might have gone something like this: Mutu kicks off to Kezman. And immediately the jabbering starts. 'Hey Kezman did you see the quality of that kick-off it was just fantastic the way it went straight to feet and the way you controlled it Kezman was out of this world and the way we're teaming up at the moment there's no doubt we can win the League and the Champions League and... Kezman, have you got any Romanian grandparents? Because we really should be playing at the highest level and, no ******, I reckon we could win the World Cup if we keep playing like this. And, I don't know about you, but I think that George Bush seems to know what he is doing. Enough about me. What did you think of my kick-off?'
All of which blathering is unlikely to improve Mutu's game, although it might give a much-needed confidence boost to Kezman. One that would be entirely legal because, at the time of writing, there are no laws against benefiting from the effects of passive drug-taking. The problems would start when the mood swings and paranoia kick in and Mutu approaches Kezman over a half-time orange: 'Forget all I said about that kick-off. It was ******. You're ******. The team's ******. The manager's ******. Bush is ******. Now I mention it, I'm ******.'
IT APPEARS THAT the drugs test that Mutu failed could have been ordered by his club. If so, it is akin to the Mafia ordering a hit on one of their own family.
What neater way to dispense of the services of a team member who has gone so off the rails as to be unloanable? I can foresee a spate of in-house drugs busts, or, failing that, training ground incidents in which out-of-sorts stars are subjected to career-ending and insurance-claiming injuries. And, after the Football Association's admittedly feeble example with David Beckham, there is little the money-men could do to rebut such a claim. Who knows? Perhaps Chelsea signed Winston Bogarde to carry out precisely such behind-closed-doors hits.
THE OTHER POTENTIALLY significant consequence of Mutu's week is that it could mark the end of the knee-jerk assumption that all celebrities are Kings of Love. From Angus Deayton to Sven-Göran Eriksson they have been named and shamed and praised for their bedroom performance.
In Sven's case this has gone so far that one can assume only that he has updated that tired Eighties response to a sexual compliment 'don't tell me, tell your friends' to 'don't tell me, tell the News of the World '. And that much to Sven's delight, a succession of women have followed his instructions.
Mutu has not been so lucky, 'Transylvanian temptress Laura Andresan, 23' being less than complimentary as she bucked the trend last week in lurid and damningly lucid detail. It all started positively enough with a cut finger leading to some blood sucking and, inexorably, a top-of-the-kitchen-table coupling.
But things became murkier when they retired upstairs to join 'mutual friends' Crang and Anca (a cracking name for a pub) in the Bucharest flat's only bedroom. For a while, each couple did their own thing, but then Mutu 'must have realised he wasn't turning me on' (a horrible 'must' for Mutu; perhaps it dawned upon him when Laura told him, as she told The Sun , that 'he was like a beginner at sex - like a young boy with very little experience').
Whatever, Mutu switched to Anca. Sadly, for the long-term future of the foursome, 'ex- Penthouse model Laura... didn't fancy Crang' (Crang's views are not recorded). Mutu returned to Laura, but 'for all his money, good looks and charm, the great Mutu was not so great in bed. And when it was over, I realised I didn't even like him very much.' Which, it could be argued, is a bit late in the night to come to such a realisation.