Liverpool FC Forum

[redman25]

Sunday:

Spent the morning reading the reports of yesterday's game. Wild overexaggeration, as always. Cannot for the life of me understand the phrases they throw at me. Consistency? Workrate? Goals? Made a note to tell the press that these are exactly the attributes I have instilled in my team. Once I point it out to them, I'm sure they'll see what I mean.

Received a phonecall from Kirky. Apparently, he broke his thumb on the TV remote last night. Have told him not to worry. His England chance will come eventually.

Caught Salif rummaging through my bins again. Tried to grab him, but he ran away. Seemed to be giggling uncontrollably.

Monday:

Dioufy rang in first thing. He says he's too busy to train today. I'm a little disappointed, but he's promised that his performance won't be affected.

The boys played some five-a-side, and all looked very sharp. Milan hit the back of the net with every shot, and I've promised him that, as long as he works hard on his tackling, I'll find a position in the team for him shortly.

Emile gave me a nice chocolate bar after training. He told me he was worried about his lack of goals in training. I gave him a big cuddle, and he left smiling.

I'm so proud of my boys.

Tuesday

Dioufy rang in first thing. Apparently he is feeling unwell, and can't make it in again. I know it must be really bad ? I'm sure I could hear the voices of two nurses in the background.

Told the boys to practice their penalties in training today. Steven hit the target every one. He'll make useful back-up if ever michael is injured.

Followed that with some endurance running. It's amazing how fit these players are, almost as if they hadn't put in any effort in the last match. Unfortunately, Danny didn't complete the course after running into a letterbox. Says he didn't see it at all, which is a little confusing.

Gave the boys a tactical lesson in the afternoon. It's a pleasure to see their brows so furrowed in concentration. Devised a cunning ploy to confuse the opposition. Have told Sami to kick the ball long to Emile, and Emile to bluff defences by NOT jumping for it. In the ensuing confusion, it'll be easy for Michael to nip in and grab a goal. Everyone else seems to be having trouble grasping the concept, but Emile just smiled at me, to show he understands. I can always rely on Emile.

Wednesday.

Dioufy can't make it again. He says he is still suffering from a virus, but that he's thinking about the game at all times. I really do admire that boy's attitude.

Some of the boys requested that we do some work on corners and free kicks today, but I told them that, at this stage in their progression, it is far more important to work on our fluidity. So, instead, we staged a full practice match and I discovered not only that Danny has the makings of a world class centre half, but also that Djimi, with his raw pace, might be worth a try on the wing some day. Have made a note of it, maybe to try in the Uefa cup next season.

Phil returned from his scouting trip this weekend. I'm saving the club so much money by only using the Eurostar for these excursions, I just know Rick will be pleased. Phil tells me he's seen an exciting player in a match between monaco and St. Etienne. Etienne lost 6-1, but apparently they have a young midfielder with a tough tackle, and an eye for a pass. Could be the next Patrick Vieira. I've sent phil back straightaway to see how many positions the lad can play. I've a feeling he might be useful back-up for Dioufy.

Caught Stephane looking at me darkly today. You'd think that since I am the only manager to ever put him in his natural position, he'd be a little more grateful.

Got home to find a big bouquet of flowers on my doorstep, from 'E'. Have no idea who this might be, but they've brightened the place up much more than those dusty pictures of Zinedine. He never calls anymore.

Thursday.

Still no sign of Salif, although I'm sure I saw him running through the background on the news last night, wearing that underwear I'm missing.

Got a phonecall from police in Spain to say that they found Dioufy asleep in a car park in Barcelona. Looks like he's been out there for the whole week clubbing. I have to say, I'm a little disappointed with his attitude, but when I see him I'll let him know that his place in the squad is safe. I always expected him to reach a plateau about now anyway.

An agent representing someone named Joaquin called me today to say that his client might be interested in a move to Liverpool. Have to say, I'm very angry that people are trying to unsettle Danny and Dioufy. Put the phone down on him.

Lively training today though, and I would say Michael is about 67.5% sharp now. He'll be banging in the goals soon enough.

Emile scored one as well, but started to cry when Steven said 'about time too'. I gave him a cuddle and he asked if he could come over for dinner to discuss his future. Unfortunately, I have plans with the wife tonight, so I had to say no. He looked so sad.

Friday.

Let the boys relax today. The champions league will be decided soon, and I don't want my poor lambs mentally burnt out before the end of the season. Caught Jamie turning Sky sports on, and only just stopped him before everyone else saw. I can't have my boys listening to any of the nasty lies those 'news' channels churn out.

A letter arrived today addressed to 'M. O'Neill'. Very strange indeed, but Rick said it must just be a fault with the postal system.

Salif finally turned up for training, but spent most of the day sat in a corner muttering to himself, and giggling. Steven says he's crazy, but I'm glad I bought him ? a dressing room needs some character, and Salif lightens the place up a lot.

Told the boys to get an early night in preparation for the big game tomorrow. Although I never like to focus too much on the opposition, they may be 4th from bottom, but I can see what talent they have, and they might even make a late surge for our precious, our champions league spot. We need to be focused.

Saturday

I cannot write anything today. I am so angry with that linesman. Emile came off the pitch in tears again. How are we supposed to progress if nobody will stop attacking my poor players?

Sunday

Spent the morning reading the reports of yesterday's game. Wild overexaggeration, as always. I cannot for the life of me unders?

Sunday.

Decided not to read the match reports this morning. So many of those journalists are obviously Manchester United fans, I cannot for the life of me see any other reason for them continually overlooking the positives that we can take from our recent string of defeats. I can see my players growing as men, learning from each setback, and becoming stronger in the end, yet everyone else seems determined to focus on our league position, rather than on the progress we are obviously making.

Spent the afternoon working with Joe and the keepers. Obviously, for a man as busy as myself, keepers are low on the list of priorities, so it's a good thing I have someone as excellent as Joe to rely on.

We worked with Jerzy, Patrice and Kirky, who's just returned from his broken finger, and it was good to have Joe highlight their weak areas for me. With Jerzy he's most concerned about his shot-stopping, because his focus and catching are obviously so excellent. So I devised a cunning plan to make Jerzy spend the whole afternoon seeing how far he can kick the ball. I think once he understands the way a ball moves when you kick it really, REALLY far, his stopping will improve.

Patrice's display was flawless, the best of the day, so I'm pleased I have him as back up if either of my more expensive keepers gets injured before a carling cup match, or pre-season firendly.

Ended on a sour note though: as Kirky took his cap off at the end of the session, his wrist shattered in 14 places. He'll be Englands number one someday.

Monday

Arrived at Anfield to find Emile in my office, sniffing my chair. He can be a strange boy sometimes, but I have to remember what he can do on the training pitch, and that he's the best player in the world when he has a smile on his face. He gave me a big hello cuddle and left smiling, so I know he'll do well today.

Two odd things happened today ? firstly, I bumped into a man named Ritchie, who swears blind he plays for Liverpool, but I have never laid eyes on him in my entire life! I've told Rick to increase security, and had him thrown out.

The second thing was a call I received from Steve heighway, talking about something called the academy. He says there are lots of brilliant players there dying to play for Liverpool. I've sent Phil off on the Eurostar to find out where this place is ? you never know, they may have the next Platini for a knockdown price!

Training was not so good today ? the boys all seemed a little down about Saturday's defeat. I decided to give them another motivational speech, and they all left laughing. It's so nice that my boys can see the positives in defeat when I highlight them. Stephane was in hysterics, which is great, because he's been very sullen recently for some reason.

Tuesday

The injury crisis deepens! Igor broke a cheekbone today when he came to my office and walked into the doorframe. The trouble is that he is so focused on thinking about the game, that he often doesn't see what's right in front of him! This is the first time I've been worried all season though ? Igor is the rock on which this team is built, so losing him to injury is a terrible blow.

I gave Phil his surprise present today. He's complained recently that the boys don't seem to be listening to him, so I bought him a brand new megaphone. He was thrilled, and went off straightaway to talk to michael about his contract situation.

That contract is becoming a real problem. Everyone seems so focused on it, but I don't understand why. Michael's agent informs me that the current contract doesn't even run out til 2010, and I've made it clear I'll negotiate with all players 2 years before expiry. What's the big deal?

Training today was great, and john Arne achieved a new club record of 92 metres with a single kick! I've put him down on the teamsheet for Saturday already. We may be up against the champions, but they won't know what's hit them when john Arne and Emile take to the field!

Wednesday

Found something very disturbing today while using the shower in my office. Someone had drilled through the wall and put a tiny camera in there to watch me bathing! I can't believe the depths the press will stoop to these days. There was a whole library of tapes in there as well ? all labelled 'The Boss'. Sometimes I wonder if being such a respected public figure is worth all the press nonsense that comes with it.

Still, the day ended well ? I caught the Eurostar to Paris for the G14 meeting tomorrow. Not only will I be a speaker at the meeting, but rumour has it that Salif was last seen in this area a few weeks ago, offering sweeties to bus passengers. Hopefully I'll run into him. Might even have time to take in a match as well.

One odd thing though ? a I left Liverpool, I'd swear I saw Rick in a car with a man in a tracksuit, heading for Anfield. I waved at him, but he closed the windows and sped off. Very strange.

Thursday

Had a wonderful time at the G14 meeting. Everyone seemed very friendly to me, and Alex and Arsene had a great laugh when they saw me. It's nice to be so popular. Seems to be something afoot at G14 though ? I overheard a couple of people talking about some club being mid-table, and not deserving to be there. I'd say this is a little unfair ? Barcelona have had a bad season, true, but they are still a massive club!

My speech was well received. Normally the speeches are a little dull, but everyone was more than happy to laugh at my little jokes. I gave a speech on the future of football, and everyone seemed very impressed with my theory that if we make boots heavier, the ball could be kicked further. I saw lots of people comparing notes here.

It's so nice to be so well thought of by one's peers.

In the evening I managed to see a PSG game. They were playing Lille at home, and due to injury were fielding a very young midfielder who was the spitting image of a young Jean-Pierre Papin!! He didn't affect the game too much, and scored a very unlucky own goal, but I'm not going to overlook such potential with all these other managers in the city! I called Rick and told him to put in a 12 million pound bid immediately. Rick seemed unsure, but I got David to make him agree to it. It's a good thing David trusts my judgment, or we may miss out on a future great.

The fans will be so excited!

Friday

Arrived back in Liverpool, and was a little disappointed to find only Emile was there to meet me. Still, he gave me a lovely big hug and was even kind enough to check that my wallet hadn't fallen out of my back pocket! Such a thoughtful boy.

Had to make it a great day in training today, with such a big match tomorrow, so I organised the squad into two teams to play a full match against each other. Unfortunately, there was a great deal of arguing about which side Steven was going to play on, but we eventually decided that he should sit the session out. We still had one player too many, so the rest of the players voted to use Djimi as a goalpost. I've often though Djimi has the makings of a fine keeper, so seeing him standing by the goal made me resolve to try him out there next season. He has all the natural attributes I'm looking for.

Received a call from Steve in Birmingham in the afternoon. He's apparently prepared to pay 5 million for Emile, but I've told him he'll need to at least double that figure. He was very angry about this, and said he thought I was 'clueless'. I'm glad I didn't agree to his offer. I couldn't imagine what would happen to poor Emile playing for such a nasty man!

The boys seem extremely focused for the game tomorrow. I couldn't get a word out of them, but there was a murmur of appreciation when I told them the team for the game.

I've decided not only to give John Arne a try at Right back, but also to drop steven back as a replacement for Igor. I'm so lucky to have a group of players who are all able to play any position and still give exactly the same level of performance.

And with the opposition made so confused, little Michael should be able to nip in and grab us some goals.

Saturday

Well, another defeat, but not the hammering that some of the press were predicting, and as I said after match, no one can really expect football to be played in that wind. The fans were a little unhappy ? I got booed when I took Emile off, but their right back seemed determined to knock him down at every opportunity.

There are plenty of positives to take from the game, and apart from those two goals, I thought John Arne showed great potential as a rightback.

As it happens, both Newcastle and Charlton lost as well, so it was rather a good day for us in the hunt for 4th place. I just know the fans will be happy when they think about that!

[stmichael]

the scary thing is, that actually is a REAL extract from gerard houllier's autobiography.    

[7_Kewell]

  brilliant

[greenred]

brilliant stuff  

[dawson99]

pure genius

[stmichael]

it should be made into a soap opera. it can be called "crookside".

[daddyo]

Superb stuff!!

[redandblue]

Very funny. And soooo accurate. Great.

[swiss_kopite]

   
write a book about it!!! i'd buy it!!!

[XSD]

One of the funniest things I've read in a while

[adayinthelife]

Where would we be with that leg end houllier???
Some people say you cant believe everything you read.
Quality stuff

[Dalglish]

This man's a GENIUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[LFC #1]

very well done, very entertaining, The sad thing is that LFC has stooped so low that this sort of thing would be written.  ,

[SantaGiveHoullierTheSack]

very well done, very entertaining, The sad thing is that LFC has stooped so low that this sort of thing would be written.  ,

The sad thing is that this story actually sounds believable 

[Gareth G]

Yep, i have to agree with SantaGiveHoullierTheSack.