Liverpool FC Forum

[Paul C]

mummy, mummy  do they have christmas decorations in vietnam?

not this year honey, there just hanging Glitter!

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George Best gets out of hospital, goes for a check up, Doctor says "I have some good news and some bad news", he says "bad news is you have one hour to live" so george says whats the good news, Doctor replys "Its happy hour". !!!!

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I thought George Best was already dead, I walked past the butchers and noticed a sign saying 'best Liver'

[Judge]

a cabbie says to a nun in his cab

''my fantasy is to be sucked off by a nun''

she replies ''ok, but you must catholic and single''

cabbie says ''i am''

so the nun gives him the best blow job of his life!!

he then begins to cry, and says ''forgive me sister for i am jewish and married''

''thats ok'' replies the nun, ''my name is KEVIN and i'm off to a fancy dress party''

[Paul C]

a cabbie says to a nun in his cab

''my fantasy is to be sucked off by a nun''

she replies ''ok, but you must catholic and single''

cabbie says ''i am''

so the nun gives him the best blow job of his life!!

he then begins to cry, and says ''forgive me sister for i am jewish and married''

''thats ok'' replies the nun, ''my name is KEVIN and i'm off to a fancy dress party''

[RUSHIE#9]

Oh NO I've pissed meself laughin'

Glitter joke is quality and the nun joke is pure scouse class.

[stmichael]

The first time I went to a drug store to buy condoms, I was waited on by a beautiful young woman.

She asked what size I wanted and I said I wasn't sure. So she asked now big I was and I said, "Compared to what?"

She held up one finger and asked if I was that big. I said, "I'm bigger than that."

Then she held up two fingers and asked if I was that big. I said, "I'm bigger than that."

Then she held up three fingers and asked if I was that big. I said, "I'm about that big."

She put the three fingers in her mouth and said, "You're a medium."

       

[Judge]

thats nowt stmike, when your missus did that to me, she put her fist in her mouth and said x-large

[ckay]

Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson, and bragged that despite being 72 years of age, he could still have sex 3 times a night.

Cilla Black, who was also a guest, looked intrigued. After the show, Cilla said, "Sean, if I'm not bein too forward, I'd luv to 'ave sex with yer. Lets go back to my 'ouse, we could 'ave a lorra fun.

So they went back to her place. After a couple of drinks they went off to bed and had an hour of mad passionate sex together.

Afterwards, Sean says, "If you think that was good, let me shleep for half an hour, and we can have better shex. But while I'm shleeping, hold my bawls in your left hand and ma wullie in your right hand".

Cilla looks a bit perplexed,but says "Okay".

He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex than before. Then Sean says, "Cilla, that was wonderful. But if you let me shleep for an hour, we can have the besht shex yet. You'll have to.......

I know Sean. Yer want me to 'old onto yer bat 'n balls again. No problem hun".

Cilla complies with the routine. Again, the results are absolutely mind blowing.

Once it's all over, they have a drink, Sean lights a cigarette and Cilla asks "Sean, tell me, this 'oldin yer balls in one hand and yer willie in the other - does it really stimulate yer that much?"

Sean replies, "No, not at all Cilla, but the last time I shlept with a scouser , she stole ma wallet !".

[Judge]

A man walks into a bar and says "Bartender gimme a triple shot of Jack". The bartender pours, and the man downs it, slams the glass on the bar and says "Another".
The bartender pours another. The man downs it and says "Another".

As the bartender pours the third glass he says, "Mister you drink like you have a problem. Want to talk about it?"

The man says, "Ten years, ten years I've been married to my wife, and today I go home a little early to surprise her, and I find my best friend, MY BEST FRIEND, in bed having sex with her."

The bartender says "Geez, what did you say."

The man says " I told him, BAD DOG! BAD DOG!"

[Paul C]

A man walks into a bar and says "Bartender gimme a triple shot of Jack". The bartender pours, and the man downs it, slams the glass on the bar and says "Another".
The bartender pours another. The man downs it and says "Another".

As the bartender pours the third glass he says, "Mister you drink like you have a problem. Want to talk about it?"

The man says, "Ten years, ten years I've been married to my wife, and today I go home a little early to surprise her, and I find my best friend, MY BEST FRIEND, in bed having sex with her."

The bartender says "Geez, what did you say."

The man says " I told him, BAD DOG! BAD DOG!"

I;ve just laughed out so laugh in work, everyone looked at me.

[Judge]

people do that anyway paul, without you laughing, so im told  

[ckay]

Sex In The Dark

There was this couple that had been  married for 20 years.

Every time they made love the husband  always insisted on shutting off
the light.

Well, after 20 years the wife felt this  was ridiculous.

She figured she would break him out of  this crazy habit.

So one night, while they were in the  middle of a wild, screaming,
romantic session, she turned on the lights.

She looked down... and saw her husband  was holding a battery-operated
pleasure device... a vibrator!

Soft, wonderful and larger than a real  one.

She went completely ballistic.

"You impotent ," She screamed at  him, "how could you be lying to
me all of these years?

You better explain yourself!"

The husband looks her straight in the  eyes and says calmly:

I'll explain the toy . . . you explain  the kids."

[Ciggy]

Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson, and bragged that despite being 72 years of age, he could still have sex 3 times a night.

Cilla Black, who was also a guest, looked intrigued. After the show, Cilla said, "Sean, if I'm not bein too forward, I'd luv to 'ave sex with yer. Lets go back to my 'ouse, we could 'ave a lorra fun.

So they went back to her place. After a couple of drinks they went off to bed and had an hour of mad passionate sex together.

Afterwards, Sean says, "If you think that was good, let me shleep for half an hour, and we can have better shex. But while I'm shleeping, hold my bawls in your left hand and ma wullie in your right hand".

Cilla looks a bit perplexed,but says "Okay".

He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex than before. Then Sean says, "Cilla, that was wonderful. But if you let me shleep for an hour, we can have the besht shex yet. You'll have to.......

I know Sean. Yer want me to 'old onto yer bat 'n balls again. No problem hun".

Cilla complies with the routine. Again, the results are absolutely mind blowing.

Once it's all over, they have a drink, Sean lights a cigarette and Cilla asks "Sean, tell me, this 'oldin yer balls in one hand and yer willie in the other - does it really stimulate yer that much?"

Sean replies, "No, not at all Cilla, but the last time I shlept with a scouser , she stole ma wallet !".

Quality.

[Garymac]

A guy goes to the gym and asks the trainer "can you teach me how to do the splits?"

And he goes "Yeah sure, 1st, how flexible are you?"

And the fella goes "Well i cant do Saturdays!!"

[The Canadian Red Army]

paul if the raptors kept mcgrady and carter. We would of had an amazing team, now with bosh on PF.

[Judge]

Two guys are walking down a road when they come across a deep hole beside it. Being curious, they go over and check it out. When they look down, they are surprised to find they can't see the bottom. So they drop a couple of rocks down the hole and listen... Nothing. One of them says, "Man, that's a deep hole!"

Thinking they might hear something larger hit the bottom, they find a big, old cinder block and pitch it over the side. The pause and listen intently... They hear a sound, but it is coming from behind them! They quickly turn around to see a goat bearing down on them with it head lowered, flying along, its feet barely touching the ground, its moving so fast!

The two men dive out of its way just in time and the goat plunges past them, into the seemingly bottomless hole, to its doom. The two look at each other and say, "Boy that was close! We'd better get away from this thing before we end up with the goat!".

So they continue on their way down the road until they happen across this farmer working near it. The men again put their heads together and figure that the goat belongs to the farmer and the decide to tell him what happened.

"Hey Mr. Farmer. Do you happen to own a goat?", one of the men asked.

The farmer replies, "Yeah, why do you ask?"

The men then tell what happened at the hole and how they narrowly avoided death in the hole from the speeding goat.

The farmer said, "Well boys, I don't think that was my goat. You see, my goat is really old and crippled up with arthritis. There is no way he could have been moving that fast. Besides, I have him tied to a big, old cinder block."