Liverpool FC Forum

[Lando_Griffin]

What a fantasy you live in Roberts!

[Lando_Griffin]

I'll give this fantasy lark a bash:

Me (M:) Customer (C:)

Phone rings...

M: Hello, Lando's Griffins, how may I help you?

C: Hello. My name is Henry, and I'd like to buy a whale.

M: I'm sorry?

C: I said my...

M: You want to buy a WHALE!?!

C: Yes. A blue whale. Is that a problem?

M: I'd say it's a problem, yes. I'd say it's a hell of a problem.

C: Don't you have any left in stock?

M: Any left in stock!?! You are asking me whether or not we have any blue whales left in stock!?!

C: I am.

M: No. We have no whales left in stock.

C: Could you tell me when the next delievery will be?

M: You want to know when the next delivery of whales will be?

C: Yes please. Only blue whales.

M: No I couldn't.

C: Why not?

M: Because I am unfamiliar with the breeding pattern of the blue whale.

C: The mating season has just passed.

M: I see. SO you actually want a BABY blue whale then?

C: Well yes. I thought it would be better as it'd live longer and be easier to house-train.

M: *Put's the phone down*.






Then, right out of nowhere:


The phone rings...


M: Hello Lando's Griffins, how may I help you?

C: Hello. My name is Frank, and I wish to purchase a sausage.

M: A sausage?

C: That is most correct. I require it for my sculpture.

M: I see. Well we don't stock sausages, but as a matter of interest, what is this sculpture of?

C: A sausage.

M: No, no - what is it supposed to represent?

C: A sausage.

M: But you cannot have a sculpture simply of a sausage!

C: Why not?

M: Because it's not a sculpture!

C: What is it then?

M: A SAUSAGE!!!!!

C: You just said I couldn't have a sculpture of a sausage.

M: I know - that is my point entirely!

C: OK.......... Do you have any Walruses?

M: No.

C: I really want a Walrus.

M: I really want a different job!

C: Do you want to know WHY I want a Walrus?

M: No, not really.

C: Shall I tell you why I want a Walrus?

M: I couldn't care less mate.

C: Shall I tell you why I want a Walrus?

M: I don't want to know.

C: Shall I tell you why I want a Walrus?

M: I tell you what mate - you can shove the f*cking Walrus right up your warty anus for all I care!

C: Shall I tell you why I want a Walrus?

M: I thought you'd never ask.

C: .....................I can't possibly tell you why I want a Walrus. It's a secret.

M: You sad tw*t.

C: I'll report you to the manager!

M: What for? Calling you a sad tw*t, you sad tw*t?

C: Yes. And I'll insist on your sacking!

M: May I be frank, Frank?

C: Yes....

M: Good. You are a pimple on the anus of life. You are a sweaty boil, ready to expel your contents all over your host's pants.

C: I obje...

M: Go away you scabby groinal chafing. *Places phone back on reciever*.



Just an average day's work at Lando's Griffins.

The only Griffin shop in town. (Well, on Earth, actually.)

[Lando_Griffin]

And then.........


The phone rang!!!!!.........


M: Hello. Lando's Griffins - how may I help you?

C: You sell Griffin's don't you?

M: The shop's name is SUCH a giveaway!

C: Righty. Can I buy one?

M: I'd like nothing more.

C: How much?

M: A lot.

C: Can you be more specific?

M: Yes. Can you?

C: Look - how much for a Griffin?

M: What sort are you after?

C: A newborn red one.

M: Ah, sorry - we're all out of red newborns.

C: Bugger.

M: I've got a nice blue though.

C: How old?

M: 2 weeks. Lovely plumage.

C: Yes, but I was after a red one.

M: Well you could always spray-paint it I suppose! Hahahaha!!!!

C: Hahaha. When will you get a red one in?

M: You're asking me to predict when one of our pregnant Griffins will drop a red baby Griffin?

C: You must be able to tell.

M: How!?! Shall I just go and shove my head up her fanny and peak around!?!

C: I see your point. How much for a red one when one arrives?

M: £1,500. But I'll do you the blue one for £1,450.

C: Well I don't...

M: And I'll throw in a cage for nowt.

C: Oh alright. As long as he's not deranged!!! Hahaha.

M: Hahahahaha. Hahahaha. Ha. Ha. 

C: When can I collect him?

M: We're open now.

C: I am at work until 5pm.

M: Tough sh*t then 'cos I finish at 3!!!!! Ahahaha!

C: Can't you hang on?

M: To what?

C: Can't you stay at the shop until 5pm?

M: No.

C: Why not?

M: Because I will be out celebrating the sale of that b*stard blue Gr... errr, blue grate I've just sold on ebay.

C: Well can you drop it off here?

M: Where is "here"?

C: GimpsRus technologies Inc.

M: I suppose, for a small charge.

C: How much?

M: A tenner.

C: Done.

M: Good man. I'll see you at 3.30pm.

C: Thankyou very much. Good day. *Put's phone down*

M: No, thank YOU sucker!


You see - I do WORK occasionally!!!!!!!!!

[82-1074641017]

What a fantasy you live in Roberts!

I wish this was fantasy, THIS IS REAL!
And with all the Mothers Day orders we are going to be up the wall, and no doubt half of the orders will get cocked up like they did on Valentines Day

[dawson99]

Here are some things that happened to me when i worked for the council. i have just given u the funny bits

"I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off."

"I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage."

"Their 18 year old son is continuously banging his balls against my fence."

"I wish to report that tiles are missing from the roof of the outside toilet and I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off."

"The lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?"

"I am writing on behalf of my sink which is coming away from the wall."

"Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant."

"I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen."

"Can you please tell me when the repairs will be done as my wife is about to become an expectant mother."

"I am still having trouble with smoke in my built in drawers."

"The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared."

"Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink."

"Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now it is in three pieces."

"Would you please send a man to repair my sprout. I am an old age pensioner and need it straight away."

"I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his wakes me up and it's getting too much."

"The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous."

"Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so will you please send someone around to do something about it."

"I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would be pleased if you could do something about the noise made by the man I have on top of me every night."

"Please send a man with clean tools to finish the job and satisfy the wife."

"I have had the Clerk of the Works down on the floor six times, but still have no satisfaction."

"We are getting married in September and would like it in the garden before we move into the house."

"This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broken and we can't get BBC2."

[82-1074641017]

"The lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?"