Farewell Phil: The Neville Diaries
Thursday August 04 2005
How excited is Gary about Silly Billy Philly leaving the club? Well, at least until he tries to give someone else a Chinese burn. We make it up here...
Thursday, July 28
Rio's getting so done by Sir for sticking two fingers up at the customers today. Sir obviously didn't hear him shouting 'I earn two times more than you, Neviller. Two times'. That's the kind of friendship we have, always joking and laughing - everyone knows that he earns five times more than me. His moustache is really, really rubbish though. You can't buy a moustache, you know.
Sir didn't play me in the most important position in football today, which is of course right-back. I think he's mad at me because I'm going to marry a girl (I asked her in Malta - the bestest place in the world), but I'm only marrying her because mum says I've got to move out and I needed to find someone else to sew my name in my shorts and thread my mittens through my coat. I'm not kissing her though. Euugggh.
We lost today but that's because Silly-Billy Philly played at right-back. Hope he goes soon.
Friday, July 29
Told Phil that I heard Sir talking to Luxemburgo about him joining Real Madrid to become a galactico. He was running around the room saying 'I'm going to Spain, I'm going to Spain' and saying that makes him a better player than me. Ha ha - he only ever plays in the best team in the whole world ever cos he sucks up to Sir. I held him down, knuckled his head and told him that actually, I just remembered, Sir was talking to someone in Luxembourg about wanting Phil to come and be their gardener.
He cried, so I took pictures of me happy-slapping him and showed them to Alan. He's nice, he gave me some of his Curly-Wurly and then we went to see Sir together to tell him that Alan can play in midfield so he can sell Phil to Bury. Actually, not Bury - dad says he's not good enough.
Saturday, July 30
'And crowd favourite, the legendary Gary Neville, flies down the right with his bushy, manly moustache to terrorise the Urawa defence. He's by far the best player in the world right now...'
Yes, I was back in the bestest position and yes, we won. I was so excited when Sir read out the team that I did a little sex wee and had to change my shorts. I don't think Phil minded.
Sunday, July 31
Got bored on the plane (Rio, Wayne and Ronaldo didn't let me sit with them - I think I initimidate the younger players) so told Phil that I heard Sir talking to Roman Abramovich about him replacing Makelele at Chelsea. He ran up and down the aisle shouting 'I'm going to be rich, I'm going to be rich' and saying he would buy a new Volvo with the money. So I tripped him up, sat on him, did some poo air in his face and told him that actually, I just remembered, Sir was talking to Ronan Keating about doing the macarena.
He cried and went to Tim Howard for a cuddle. But he told him to 'f*** off you c***'. Wayne wasn't so polite.
Monday, August 1
It says in the papers that Michael Owen is coming to the best club in the whole wide world, but I don't believe everything I read in the papers because once they said that my girlfriend kissed a boy and she didn't because she swore on my life that she didn't, and they once said that Sir had a red face but I think his face is lovely so that was rubbish as well.
I'll go on strike if that scouser comes to my club and I told Sir that if Michael Owen comes to my club with his bumfluff moustache then I'm going to Barcelona in a multi-million pound deal and he can't stop me. He laughed but I could see he was scared - I don't think that scally will be coming to the Theatre of Dreams. Sir knows what the price would be. And I don't mean £12m.
Tuesday, August 2
Went to mum's for chicken dippers and chocolate ice cream and to appeal her decision about me moving out. But after four circuits of the kitchen I had to accept that she beat me for pace. I got my own back by telling her that I'd heard Sir on the phone to Carlo Ancelotti, who wanted Phil in Milan because he's a marketing man's dream, and then almost wee-ed as I heard her phone the silly sausage.
I could hear him shouting 'I'm going to be a model, I'm going to be a model' and then I told her that actually, I just remembered, Sir was talking to a tele-marketing man about a dream he'd had about Carlos the Jackal. He cried like a baby and mum had to calm him down with his favourite song and promise to make him soldiers. I protested this decision until she calmed me down with my favourite song and made me soldiers.
Wednesday, August 3
Wayne got excited when we told him we were going to play a feeder club in Belgium. I think he got the wrong idea. But anyway, we won 6-1 against a very, very strong Belgian second division side that proves that we will win the Premiership and the Champions League and the Manchester Senior Cup this season and that Ruud is the best striker in the world and not ugly, smelly Henry with his rubbish moustache who has just been really, really, really lucky.
I told Phil that I heard Sir on the phone to David Moyes who says he wants him as his new utility man at Everton. He said he's not falling for that again and called me a poohead. But then Sir came and told him that he's sorry, but Everton have offered 74p and they couldn't turn that kind of money down. Phil cried. I laughed. That'll teach him to think he can play in the most important position at the best club in the whole wide world ever.
Thursday, August 4
It's funny at training without Phil but at least I get to put the cones out every day and I might even wash the bibs tonight. I decided that I should get a pretend brother to share my wisdom and experience and chose Liam Miller because nobody talks to him. But when I tried to give him a Chinese burn he hit me round the head with his Man United rucksack and said some things in Scotch I couldn't understand.
So I've decided to adopt Kieran. I'll start by showing him how to grow a moustache...
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