Liverpool FC Forum

[stmichael]

A van driver used to amuse himself by running over every Manchester United fan he would see strutting down the side of the road in their ubiquitous red colours. He would swerve to hit them and there would be a loud "THUMP" and then he would swerve back on the road. One day, as the driver was driving along, he saw a priest hitchhiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the van over. He asked the Priest "where are you going, Father?",

"I'm going to say mass at St. Joseph's church, about 2 miles down the road" replied the priest.

"No problem Father! I'll give you a lift"! climb in!"

The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the van continued down the road. Suddenly the driver saw a Manchester United fan walking down the road and instinctively swerved to hit him. But, just in time, he remembered the bloody priest, so at the last minute he swerved back to the road, narrowly missing the scum ******. However even though he was certain he missed the glory-hunting ******, he still heard a loud "THUD." Not understanding where the noise came from, he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn't see anything he turned to the priest and said

"I'm sorry Father, I almost hit that Manchester United fan,

"That's okay" replied the priest. "I got the b#stard with the door!"

   

[Mikz]

David Beckham is on top of the main stand at Old Trafford ready to jump off after a nightmare first half of the Premiership and World Cup campaign. He's lost the World Cup for England by getting himself sent off and everyone and his dog hates him, Posh spice has dumped him for Michael Owen and Man United have put him on the transfer market for ten quid because he's playing rubbish.
As he's about to jump off Father Christmas taps him on the shoulder and asks "Are you OK David?" David explains how his life is a mess and gets ready to jump! "STOP!" shouts father Christmas. "I'll grant you any three wishes on the understanding that you do me a favour."

"That would be top!" says Beckham. "Cheers Father Christmas, thank you, thankyou." So Beckham lists his three wishes which are:

1) In the Argentina match he didn't kick the argy but shoots from the freekick and scores. ENGLAND go on to win the World Cup and he is a National Hero.
2) He marries posh spice and lives in happiness for evermore.
3) He is made best footballer in the world by FIFA and his wages go up to a million a week.

Father Christmas says OK all your wishes are granted. "Oh thank you thank you!!!" says Beckham. "What do I have to do?" Father Christmas tells Beckham to drop his pants and bend over.

After a brutal rogering, blood everywhere, Father Christmas asks Beckham how old he is. "24" replies Beckham.

"You're a bit old to believe in Father Christmas!!" laughs the fat gay Man City fan.

[84-1106852058]

Ferguson signs a promising youngster from Baghdad,a few weeks later he tells the lad he is in the team.I must phone my parents.Iam playing, Iam playing he shouts excitedly to his mother.I am glad yor happy, its getting worse here your sister has just been raped your father has been shot a bomb has blown out all the windows,there are masked men on the corner and its all your fault.
Why is it my fault he asks
  You wanted us to move to FU..ING MANCHESTER she said.

[Ciggy]

Ferguson signs a promising youngster from Baghdad,a few weeks later he tells the lad he is in the team.I must phone my parents.Iam playing, Iam playing he shouts excitedly to his mother.I am glad yor happy, its getting worse here your sister has just been raped your father has been shot a bomb has blown out all the windows,there are masked men on the corner and its all your fault.
Why is it my fault he asks
  You wanted us to move to FU..ING MANCHESTER she said.

[stmichael]

Q: What do you call a Man Utd season ticket holder?

A: Scenery...

[Ciggy]

Q. What do you call 100 Man United fans skydiving from a aeroplane?
A. Diarrhoea
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Fire Brigade phone Alex Ferguson. "Alex, a fire is in Old Trafford." "The Cups, save the cups!" cries Alex. "It's okay the fire hasn't reached the canteen yet."
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Alex Ferguson was caught speeding on the way to Old Trafford today. Then questioned why he replied "I'll do anything for three points."
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Q. How many Man United fans does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. Seven, One to change it, five to moan about it, and Ferguson to say that if the ref had done his job probably then the light wouldn't have not gone out in the first place.

[Ciggy]

[stmichael]

[stmichael]

A Man Utd fan dies on match day and goes to heaven in his Man Utd shirt. He knocks on the old pearly gates and out walks St. Peter in a Arsenal scarf.

"Hello mate" says St. Peter, "I'm sorry, no Man Utd fans in heaven."

"What ?" exclaims the man, astonished.

"You heard, no Man Utd fans."

"But, but, but, I've been a good man", replies the Man Utd supporter.

"Oh really", says St. Peter. "What have you done, then ?"

"Well" said the guy, "Three weeks before I died, I gave 10 pounds to the starving children in Africa".

"Oh" says St. Peter. "anything else?"

"Well, 2 weeks before I died I also gave 10 pounds to the homeless."

"Hmmm. Anything else?"

"Yeah. A week before I died I gave 10 pounds to the Albanian orphans."

"Okay", said St. Peter, "You wait here a minute while I have a word with the governor."

Ten minutes pass before St. Peter returns. He looks the bloke in the eye and says, "I've had a word with God and he agrees with me. Here's your thirty quid back, now f#ck off".


   

[stmichael]

At a man utd training session alex ferguson clears off and says to the team i have important business 2 attend, roy keane u train the team. Keane says no problem boss.

Next day ferguson does the same thing clears off the training ground and leaves keane 2 train the team. Keane says 2 the team come on lets go home, alex is the manager and he keeps clearing off. Gary neville arrives at his home and sees alex fergusons car parked outside. Confused, he slowly walk's into his house and peeks through the living room door and sees ferguson having sex with his wife on the sofa, gary neville leaves the house shocked

The next day at training ferguson says the same thing "keane look after the team i have some important business 2 attend". Alex ferguson leaves in his car.

Roy keane says come on lads lets go home. Gary neville says f#ck that i nearly got caught yesterday.