Liverpool FC Forum

[stmichael]

there are some things in life which i have never really understood. listed below are some of them.

1. Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed?

2. If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the core of the earth?

3. Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

4. Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your ******?

5. Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, 'My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic'?

6. Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

7. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

8. Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for centuries' have a 'use by' date?

9. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp no one would eat?

10. Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

11. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'?

12. What do people in China call their good plates?

13. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

14. What do you call male ballerinas?

15. Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?

16. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

17. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

18. Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?

19. Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

20. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out of the window?

If any of you have the answer to any of these, then your insight would be very much appreciated.

cheers

stmichael

[zarababe]

Brilliant Saint.. this is brill... noit another reasearch by any chance ay...    

Nice one... trust u to brighten a dull Sunday.. again

[stmichael]

what about you zara? can you put mascara on with your mouth closed?

[Ciggy]

I cant, f@ck it not goin back out just opened a bottle of wine cisse_is_gona_get_p.issed 

[Ciggy]

5. Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, 'My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic'?
     

[zarababe]

what about you zara? can you put mascara on with your mouth closed?

  Nope  

BTW " Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?"  Are u the exceptipn to tthe rule Saint ...

[mynameisred]

I dont know why water has a sell by date but I have a teaser for you. Why are you naive if you drink mineral water? You may need to think about it? Its a pants riddle really but theres naff all else to talk about.

[stmichael]

Why are you naive if you drink mineral water? You may need to think about it? Its a pants riddle really but theres naff all else to talk about.

because naive is EVIAN spelt backwards.

next

[Woollyback]

Fine brain-teasing observations StMick. The one that's always baffled me though, is why did Kamikaze pilots all wear helmets? 

[stmichael]

The one that's always baffled me though, is why did Kamikaze pilots all wear helmets? 

As anyone acquainted with aviation or basic physics knows, the pilot's helmet has never been intended to provide protection against a crash. If the plane encounters the landscape too abruptly you're sausage no matter what you're wearing. The leather or cloth head covering worn by WW2 aviators was a holdover from open cockpit days, when you needed protection against the wind and rain.

Closed cockpits had come into general use by WW2, but in the early years at least it was customary to take off and land with the canopy open, apparently in the ill-founded hope that you'd be able to get clear of the plane if it nosed in while you were near the ground. Pilots also wore helmets because they held your radio earphones, but most of all, military bureaucracy being what it was, because regulations required it.

When jets came in most air forces switched to the hardened "brain bucket" in use today, but the purpose of this was merely to protect a fighter pilot's head from being bashed against the canopy during high speed maneuvering, not to save him in the event of a crash. Similarly, the kamikaze pilot's helmet merely helped him complete the trip, not survive it.

[Woollyback]

 

Care to explain why men have nipples? I look forward to your robust scientific explanation...   

[stmichael]

 

Care to explain why men have nipples? I look forward to your robust scientific explanation...   

sure

To prove they're mammals, obviously. The distinguishing features of mammals, from whales to mice, are two: having hair and suckling their offspring. This gives us the notorious sentence that demonstrates why our pronouns need overhauling: "Man is an animal who suckles his young."

Clearly, if men didn't have nipples, to demonstrate their theoretical membership in the La Leche League, we could only identify them as mammals by their hairiness. And where would that leave bald guys? What are they, reptiles?

There are some male mammals without nipples, a fact I was alerted to by Aristotle, who wrote "Such, for instance, is the case with horses, some stallions being destitute of these parts."

Since Aristotle's medical facts were sometimes a bit wobbly -- he said cabbage cures hangovers -- I called an equine veterinarian. "I have never seen a stallion with nipples," she declared flatly. "And I have looked around down there." As far as I know, she's never seen a bald stallion, either, so that's how they avoid being called reptiles.

The veterinarian pointed out that a mare's two nipples are located toward the tail end of the body, as opposed to the chic head-end location in humans. This, she daintily hinted, might be why stallions don't exhibit nipples. "There's no room."

These shocking facts sent me on a quest for other data on animal nipples or, as medical types have long preferred to say, mammae. Male nipples? Mammae masculinae. (If you need to be even more obscure you can also call a nipple a mamilla or a thelium.)

My mother, when I told her of my research, may have been hinting that there were more hard-hitting stories I could be working on by bringing up the folk analogy "as useless as tits on a boar hog." My research appears to indicate that boar hogs do in fact have tits. Which they are not known to use.

Not only do male platypuses not have nipples, neither do females. The milk simply flows out through pores and is licked up by baby platypuses. And while platypuses are not actually categorized as reptiles, you'll notice that people are always talking about how "primitive" they are and making fun of their noses.

I would have assumed that nipples were only available in even numbers had I not learned that female possums, for example, have between seven and 25 nipples. The delightful Virginia opossum, which inhabits the middles of American roads and highways, usually has 13, efficiently arranged in an open circle with one in the center. This information should not tempt you to snicker and point the next time you see a possum: They also have 50 teeth.

Most mammals, however, stick to even numbers of nipples, and often the males get to have them too. In addition to boar hogs, dogs, cats, all primates and many other animals feature the mamma masculina.

It seems that human embryos develop mammary tissue before they bother to check on whether they're going to be male or female and start modifying the basic plan with surges of this or that hormone. After only a few weeks, milk ridges form -- two stripes of tissue that start in the armpits, curve out over the chest, go straight down the stomach and then veer in toward the groin, ending somewhere high on each thigh. Later the milk ridges regress to some extent, usually leaving us with just two nipples.

Quite a few people end up with an extra, or supernumerary nipple somewhere along the trail of the milk ridge, however. (One man had five.) Sometimes they can't be mistaken for anything but a nipple, and other times they look like a mole. In fact, many people with supernumerary nipples don't know they have them until some officious and informative person starts examining their moles. Extras often run in families -- Darwin cites two brothers who each had a supernumerary nipple. Anyone who thinks that's weird should immediately leave the room and go check his or her torso for moles. How do you know you're not head-to-foot extra nipples and we've all just been too polite to mention it?

Next installment| Why many men say their nipples are erogenous zones.

   

[Woollyback]

Brilliant       Are you Orac off Blake's Seven?

[stmichael]

Brilliant       Are you Orac off Blake's Seven?

The question is futile. Were I to say that I'm incapable of dishonesty, how would you know if I'm being dishonest or not?
 

[zarababe]

wow Saint.. what's all this research u do.. this is dead impressive.. "dead" being the operative word here..

Try translating that in Spanish...   No on second thoughts don't