Liverpool FC Forum

[stmichael]

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

You will make the startling discovery that most of the lawyers and judges in your county have been possessed by demons. In fact, they weren't kidding when they said that possession was nine tenths of the law...


Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

You are always running out of things to say, at dinner. Try memorizing a whole lot of facts about commercial fish farming -- that's always a good topic for discussion.


Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Time to do something about that high blood pressure. Have you tried leeches?


Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Small fluffy animals will come over and lean on you, today. It's just their way of showing their appreciation, and of telling you that you are furniture.


Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Someone named "Bob" is plotting to whap you with a calla lilly. If you carry long-stemmed carnations around with you today, you will be able to retaliate swiftly and effectively.


Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Don't go out today, without a spatula. I can't say more.


Libra (September 22 - October 22)

Today you will discover a hair growing in an odd place. Don't worry about it, unless the odd place is your eye.


Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

To your vast embarrassment, you will be unable to describe the differences between halibut, sole, and flounder. It's easy to remember, though -- they are (in order) "big", "small", and "clumsy."


Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

This is a good time to remember Einstein's advice, to make things as simple as possible, but no simpler. That applies both to theoretical physics, and in your case, to dinner.


Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Once you're that far behind, there's really no way to get caught up. You might as well do something fun instead. You can tell them I told you it was ok.


Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Your plans for a do-it-yourself replica medieval catapult will arrive today! Soon, your neighbors will become nervous (but you can explain that their fears are groundless -- you couldn't possibly hit anything that close with it).


Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Today one or more close relations will pout. You will stoicly endure this, and will steadfastly refuse to relinquish control of the remote control.

[Pablo_Escobar]

Damn, I'm Aquarius - can't wait for my catapult

[hawkmoon269]

St Mick, your job as moderator has interfered with your ability to be an effective "Mystic Mick" - you need to keep up to date.  Consider this an official verbal warning!!!

[stmichael]

howdy people 

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Good week to greet everyone with great enthusiasm. For example, "Bob! You're still alive!" (Everyone likes to feel appreciated.)


Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Today you will find yourself wondering why a shampoo that "tingles" would be better at preventing dandruff than one which doesn't. It's that sort of intellectual undertaking which has earned you your well-deserved reputation.


Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

In a rather bizarre and unfortunate turn of events today, your lips will go ballistic. Shortly thereafter, your Ziggy Marley accent will kick in. You will be comforted to know that those are simply the first two signs of a "spaz attack", which is more common than most people realize, and usually non-fatal.


Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Arachnids will be especially troublesome today. Chances are only fair that you will make it through the day without tangling with one or more giant Amazonian tarantulas. Keep a stick within reach, is my advice. A big stick.


Leo (July 23 - August 22)

You will get a notion to become a street food-vendor, and will make yourself a food serving cart for the "Bulghur Baron." You will sell pint containers of hot bulghur wheat, cooked with sauteed onions, garlic, and other vegetables. To everyone's amazement, you'll succeed fabulously, eventually making millions off the franchise rights alone.


Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Today you'll have one of those baffling moments when you're sure you spelled a word correctly, but your spelling checker will still complain. Ask someone nearby how they spell it. They'll spell it the same way you do, much to your rolaids.


Libra (September 22 - October 22)

Today you will discover a way to have your cake and eat it too! Unfortunately, everyone else will think that's really disgusting.


Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

You will become unwittingly embroiled in a turf war between rival Chinese restaurants, today, as you step off the sidewalk to avoid a person wearing an extremely large hat. Before the day is over, you'll find yourself angrily hurling potstickers at people you've never met.


Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Big career move today! Oddly, your decision will be somehow related to a pamphlet called "Goat Herding Made Easy."


Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Today you will put your foot down, regarding your turn at dinner preparation versus dining out. In other words, "if you ain't broke, don't fix it."


Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Someone will tell you today "Boy, what a girl goes through to send her brother through proctology school." Despite being forwarned, you won't have anything to say.


Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Despite your best efforts, you will be unable to get your book published. But all you really need to do is change the title! "A Comparative Study of Invertibrate Parasites" is not likely to be published. But "A Bucket Full Of Leeches"? Now that's another story.

[stmichael]

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Good day to make as much goulash as possible.


Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Today you will meet someone with a really "cute" sneeze.


Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Potato awareness day, today. Potatoes have had a tremendous influence on society, since their introduction into Western culture. Just think, for instance, of their effect on Dan Quayle's career!


Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Good time to be unspecific. Instead of being a day late and a dollar short, for example, just try to be late and short. See how much easier that is?


Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Not only is this a good day to throw a tantrum, but there's a good chance that you might set a new distance record!


Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Good day to learn to do more with your toes. Start off by tying knots with them, and who knows? You could end up being able to accompany yourself on the piano!


Libra (September 22 - October 22)

As Buckaroo Banzai said, "No matter where you go, there you are." Oddly, this will not be entirely the case for you, today.


Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Try to praise in public and criticize in private. Just never, ever, criticize privates.


Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Boisterous day, today. Try not to be much more irritating than is absolutely necessary.


Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

In one of those amusing mix-ups that happen so frequently in modern life, a friend of yours will have mistaken your reference to "her suit" and thought you said "hirsute." Still, this may prove a little awkward.


Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Unknown to you, people think you are a wimp - just because of your weak handshake. You need to get one of those hand exercisers, and use it constantly for a few months. Then, crush their little hands into pulp!


Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Thrombosis. Beware. Also, your best friend will rush up and indicate by nonverbal means that Timmy is trapped under a log again.

[Judge]

i will be late n short stmike

thanks for the advice mate

[stmichael]

yes folks, after 2 weeks off, your favourite astrologer returns.

p.s. i have been off because i've been on a bender for two weeks.

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Musical inspiration will strike you today, and you'll invent some sort of new instrument that looks like a Hoover vacuum bag with a few bits of odd plumbing sticking out of it. The good thing is, the instrument will rivet people's attention to such a degree that you can indulge your tendency towards cross-dressing without anyone noticing!


Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Birds figure heavily in your day, today. My advice? Wear a hat.


Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

You will invent a method of making icosahedral ice cubes, today, which everyone will think are really cool.


Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Another one of those excrutiatingly boring meetings today. Try to liven things up by summoning one of the people back from the dead.


Leo (July 23 - August 22)

You will have a grilled cheese sandwich today, and a bowl of tomato soup. When nobody is looking you will secretly dunk your sandwich.


Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

You are about to have an idea of almost mind-boggling brilliance. Try to remain calm.


Libra (September 22 - October 22)

You will soon need to look older than you actually are. Bushy eyebrows generally do the trick. You'll find that a little rubber cement and a pair of sleepy hamsters are just what you need.


Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Dispite having a brilliant mind and a lot of terrific friends, you find yourself stagnating in a quiet backwater, with financial success nowhere in sight. You will go into business for yourself, however, making frozen Piroshki based on your grandmother's recipe, and will become rich and famous. Your grandmother will thwap you with her umbrella.


Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Let the golden sun of happiness burn away your inner fog of disgruntlement. Remember: gruntled people are more fun!


Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

It will occur to you that there may be something behind the heroic and daring exploits of people in commercials for snack foods. You are absolutely right - in fact, snack foods can be dangerous if over-indulged in. I once wrestled a giant anaconda after downing a bag of Ranch flavored potato chips and a Hostess HoHo.


Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Vlad The Impaler continues to come up in casual conversation. You might want to consider wearing a silver cross, despite your theological leanings.


Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Today you will discover an ancient stone tablet on which mystic runes are carved. Oddly, when you find someone to translate them from Old Norse, it will turn out to be a collection of moose jokes.

[Woollyback]

p.s. i have been off because i've been IN a bender for two weeks.

christ Mick, that's STAMINA 

[84-1106852058]

p.s. i have been off because i've been  a bender for two weeks and had a sore
@rse

What ever turns you on.

[stmichael]

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

You've been trying to sell your car, and it just isn't going anywhere. Sometimes it helps if you have a name for your vehicle, to give it more character. I call mine the "Millenium Falcon." My passengers often become irritated at being called "Chewie", though.


Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Today will be Mexican Food day, for you. In fact, chances are better than 1 in 3 that someone will refer to you as "Frijole-breath" before the day is through.


Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

You will begin a bitter and drawn-out battle with a gopher. You don't stand a chance.


Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

You will be granted a religious experience of startling significance, similar in some respects to the accounts of statues of the Virgin Mary weeping. In this case, however, she will sneeze.


Leo (July 23 - August 22)

You will discover that you can wiggle your ears today, and will actually become quite good at it. People will invite you to parties.


Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Despite protests from a variety of organizations, you will organize a charity event called a "squid fling." Due in part to excellent media coverage, you will be quite successful. Mostly, though, you will succeed because nearly everyone has a secret desire to fling a squid.


Libra (September 22 - October 22)

You will discover you have a certain flair for copywriting, and will pick up a little extra spending money by doing window signs for stores, such as "Going Out Of Business. Waaaah!"


Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

You would be ill-advised to try to shoot kidney beans out your nose, today. (Yes, I know you were thinking of it.)


Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Today you will find a bumper sticker that truly defines your sentiments. It will say "Buy More Socks!."


Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Today you will seek out new life, and new civilizations. You won't find any, of course, but you will discover a really excellent Chinese restaurant in the process.


Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Excellent day to whistle off key. Random starts and stops are also good.


Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Good day to skip. In fact, skipping is good exercise, and I'm certain that if you just get a few friends to go along with you, you can start a cultural movement of just as much importance as running and walking. The main problem, of course, is to figure out what sort of "skipping" shoe Nike is going to come out with.

 

[dawson99]

thats really weird... i do need new socks!!!!

[stmichael]

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Today you will spend another entire day worried about your feet. But honestly, most people don't notice these things. On the other hand, most people don't spontaneously grow more toes, either.


Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

You will need two torches, a sword, leather armor, and a significant amount of courage today. And for heaven's sake, don't forget the twine.


Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Good day to snitch cookies when nobody's looking.


Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Today you will begin a new hobby: collecting spores, molds, and fungus. You will find it richly rewarding, in a spiritual sense.


Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Good day to sleep in. A nap would work well today, too. Try to get to bed early. Aside from that, nothing too exciting today.


Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Not an especially good day to do anything involving contact cement. At least not if you have plans to go anywhere.


Libra (September 22 - October 22)

Due to minor lymph-node infection, several dangerous toxins will shortly be released into your bloodstream. Not to worry. You'll survive, and the only permanent brain damage will involve an enthusiasm for polka music.


Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

You will invent a new type of bath toy today. It will bring you fame and fortune, although it will also be the cause of an embarrassing appearance on the Letterman show.


Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

While looking through comparative salary figures, who will discover that the job of "Villiage Idiot", in many metropolitan areas, pays better than that of the mayor. Don't even consider a career change, though -- it's a lot harder that it sounds.


Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Do not leave home without a ball of twine, today. You won't actually need it, but it'll make you feel better to be prepared.


Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Good day to learn to do more with your toes. Start off by tying knots with them, and who knows? You could end up being able to accompany yourself on the piano!


Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

You will get one of those pre-mixed salads in a new high-tech bag that "breathes." Or, in this case, wheezes.

[hawkmoon269]

  - Where has Mystic Mick gone?  Is he too famous to bless us with is insight?

Until he returns:


Aries March 21 - April 19

The corpse of 16th-century astronomer Nicolaus Corpenicus will rise from the grave this week to explain, once and for all, that the universe does not revolve around you, you self-centered .
Taurus April 20 - May 20

The old adage "Don't count your chickens before they hatch" will feel very apt next week when you're forced to return over $200 worth of baby clothes and cigars.
Gemini May 21 - June 21

After forgetting to take your medication for five days straight, you'll have no trouble explaining the voices in your head; however, it will be much harder to explain why they all sound like Rosie Perez.
Cancer June 22 - July 22

You've always been the type to see the glass half-full, but that will change next week when you start drinking.
Leo July 23 - August 22

Any hesitation you have in summoning the underworld demon Astaroth will be more than canceled out by your eagerness to sacrifice a goat.
Virgo August 23 - September 22

Your decision to purchase a pair of cargo pants was based entirely on the number of Hot Pockets they could hold.
Libra September 23 - October 23

You've never believed in the theory of evolution, but lately you just can't shake the feeling that the monkeys at the zoo seem to be improving their aim.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21

Circumstance will prove again and again this week that only half of the old saying, "If it bends it's funny; if it breaks, it's not" applies to femurs.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21

While everyone says that there's more than one way to skin a cat, you have never been able to come up with more than 57.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19

The effects of your four-year tour in the U.S. Navy become especially evident this week when, despite hours of trying, you are physically and mentally incapable of finishing a plate of Captain Highliner's Fish Sticks.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18

You'll die a grisly and violent death next week after being chased around the tri-state area by sumo wrestlers, but not in the manner you expect.
Pisces February 19 - March 20

Scientists have predicted that, one day soon, tiny robots will travel through our bodies repairing damage on the cellular level, but tomorrow, giant robots will hurl your body over the horizon, shattering it beyond repair.

[stmichael]

  - Where has Mystic Mick gone?  Is he too famous to bless us with is insight?

too much of what i said was coming true. people on here were threatening to sue me.

[stmichael]

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Oh go ahead. You know you want to. Besides, nobody is watching.


Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

You will find yourself using a very old spreadsheet program, soon. So old, in fact, that the columns have to be either Doric, Ionic, or Corinthian.


Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Nothing unusual today. Unless you count that episode with the iguana...


Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

You will discover, today, that you can whistle and hum at the same time. This will entertain you for hours.


Leo (July 23 - August 22)

You'll feel a little tired and run down, today. Just a hunch, but that could explain those tire tracks on your shirt, as well...


Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Good day to work on your catapult. You never know when it could come in handy. Besides, it's good to worry your neighbors a bit -- keeps them civil.


Libra (September 22 - October 22)

Hug day, today. Various people you know will come up and give you a hug, for no apparent reason. You will find this moderatly embarrassing.


Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

You may be drinking a little bit too much coffee lately. That could explain why everyone else is moving so slowly, or why they say "What was THAT!?" in a verrrrry slow, deep voice, every time you walk by.


Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

You've about had it with one particular fool in your life. Have you considered investing in a tranquilizer gun? Mine comes in very handy, especially at work.


Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

This week will find you explaining gender roles to the clueless. For example, men MUST continue to channel surf on the TV, no matter how interesting the show is that they stumble onto. Women must watch what shows up on the channel they're watching, no matter how boring it is. It's just how these things are done. Women commit and regret it. Men don't commit and regret it. It's in our genes. Some kind of adenine/guanine/trampoline chemical thingie.


Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Time for an excursion! Remember to pack some sandwiches, and carry a large ball of twine (it's easy to get lost in the city -- the twine should help).


Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

You will get a new job, soon, in which your most important activity will be to periodically "jiggle a little thingie." While it will pay well, this will prove to be somewhat awkward to explain at parties. Eventually you will hit on the ploy of saying you sell insurance...