Liverpool FC Forum

[stmichael]

afternoon all

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Today you will be seized with the urgent desire to buy a harmonica, which you will take everywhere with you, on one of those coat-hanger thingies around your neck.


Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

On a pre-arranged signal, you and 3 cohorts will start talking complete gibberish today, leaving the 5th person in your meeting entirely baffled. Act as if he's behaving strangely, and look concerned.


Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

This week, try to live your life based on the ad copy of a men's cologne. For example: "The mood of the sea, and the spirit of the wind" (Cool Water, by Davidoff) Or
perhaps: "Disturb the equilibrium" (Catalyst for Men, by Halston)


Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Today you will order the dinner "special" at a restaurant. You will regret this, however. Why? Okra.


Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Happy Frog Day!! Let's hear it for our little amphibious friends!


Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

You will make several somewhat inadviseable impulse purchases today. Fortunately, you will be able to return all of them, except for the Hormel "100 Years Of SPAM!" decorative wallclock.


Libra (September 22 - October 22)

A martian creature named Yg, who is more than ten thousand years old yet has the disposition of a cranky two-year old child, is hiding under your house. That's where the raisin-cookies have been going.


Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Today you will make a bold fashion statement, which will eventually become a trend and sweep the nation. "Executive Grunge", you'll call it.


Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Today you will ignore the warning label on the mouthwash bottle, and will attempt to yodel while gargling. That will be a mistake.


Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

You will spend most of the day attempting to tie knots in a piece of cord, using only your toes. You will be unable to say why, but this will seem like a useful skill to you, at the time.


Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Remember: loose lips sink ships. The really strange thing is, nobody's ever been able to explain to me why ships have lips in the first place, especially if they're that risky.


Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Unaccountably, everything you eat will remind you of wild hickory nuts. This is the first sign of Gibbon's Syndrome, and you should seek immediate medical attention. You don't want to end up getting arrested for eating your neighbour's shrubbery...

[stmichael]

Happy Stmichael day to you all.

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

In the grocery store, you will see quite a few people with infants in their shopping carts. Try though you might, however, you will not be able to find the bin with the children. Perhaps they're sold out? Important Safety Tip: do not stop one of the women with an infant and ask her to show you where her baby came from.


Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Let the golden sun of happiness burn away your inner fog of disgruntlement. Remember: gruntled people are more fun!


Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Try to avoid nibbling on things today. Despite recent developments, you don't actually know your friend that well yet.


Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Good day to let sleeping dogs lie. After all, the poor things seem to be completely exhausted, most of the time. My dog, Maggie, is asleep right now (after a good night's sleep, and a nice morning nap, followed by a good snooze). It's a tough life, but someone's got to do it.


Leo (July 23 - August 22)

A coworker is going to steal one of your best ideas and claim it as his own. That's about what you should expect, though, from a cow "orker."


Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

You will be offered a chance to go on a journey soon. It sounds like fun, but you might benefit by looking up La Isla Zancudo in a Spanish-English dictionary before you pack your bags...


Libra (September 22 - October 22)

Nothing ventured, nothing gained, is the rule for now. In fact, "nothing" will play a very large part in your future.


Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Excellent day to make strange mouth noises, particularly in a crowded elevator.


Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

If a wolf is chasing your sleigh, throw him a raisin cookie. That, of course, is a metaphor for what will really happen.


Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

You will make pizza from scratch today (dough and everything), and will beam with pride. As well you should.


Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Time heals all wounds, yes. But that's not really intended to mean that you should tie Time magazine around your sprained ankle. It's a figure of speech, you see, not meant to be taken literally. I have heard, however, that Newsweek is good for gout.


Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

You will find happiness. It will look a lot like tranquility, only a bit fluffier.

   

[stmichael]

i'm back. sorry about the 4 day absence. i have been ina parallel universe.

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

It's about time you learned some more recipes dealing with zucchini. Lots and lots of zucchini. You'll need one of those new Martha Stewart "Kitchen Shovels", I'm afraid. The good news is, you'll find several nice zucchini recipes in my new cookbook "Recipes For Disaster" (the sequel to "Another Fine Mess").


Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Today you will get very dirty. Actually, though, it will be rather fun.


Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

You would be ill-advised to try to shoot kidney beans out your nose, today. (Yes, I know you were thinking of it.)


Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Today you will discover Pablo Picasso's secret. He didn't deliberately invent cubist art. He just liked painting accident victims.


Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Angst day, today.


Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

If you aren't careful, you may accidentally insult someone by a poor choice of words, and hurt their feelings. In particular, the expression "hideously deformed" may not be as neutral as you believe.


Libra (September 22 - October 22)

You must seize the opportunity that presents itself today, no matter what the consequences may be. Remember: opportunity knocks but once, and absolutely refuses to ring the doorbell.


Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Good day to do a self-portrait. Or, if you're in a hurry, you can do what I do, and just spray paint all over yourself and run into a large canvas. Art is easier than you think!


Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Excellent time to start a new company, making software to help people with mental problems. You will call it SchizoSoft. Your motto: "Who Do You Want To Be Today?"


Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

You've heard that when economists use the word "nice", they're actually saying that something is homoscedastic and nonautoregressive. Today you will find out what they mean when they say something is "like, totally kewl."


Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

You will soon send off for plans to build your own hovercraft. Your scheme to disguise it as a giant floating eyeball is a bit silly, though. Personally, I'd make it look like you were wearing a giant hoop-skirt, in which case the engine sound and levitation might easily be passed off as a rather unfortunate case of intestinal gas.


Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

You are about to invent a night light in the shape of a chess piece, which you will name the "Nighty Knight." You should be ashamed of yourself.

[Judge]

i knew about picasso before

[stmichael]

time for today's prophecy people

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

It will seem a great shame to you today, that your little finger has a cute name -- "pinky" -- but none of your other fingers do. That's the sort of thing that very few people besides you really spend much time pondering. They have such limited minds, don't they?


Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Everyone will stare at you like deer in headlights this week at the office. Actually, you will later decide that driving your car around inside the office may not be your best-ever idea.


Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Your ancestors were berserkers -- feared warriors who attacked without fear or common sense. You will soon enter the same state of mind, and when you finally "snap out of it", you will find an enormous pile of peeled potatoes and family members edging towards the door.


Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

What goes around will come around, today. Metaphorically speaking, that is.


Leo (July 23 - August 22)

You will find a biography of some famous dead person, at a garage sale, and buy it on a whim. It will change your life. You will also soon take up bricklaying, as a hobby.


Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

You've just finished something, but you're starting to wonder if it would be better if you tried it another way. Forget it -- that way, madness lies.


Libra (September 22 - October 22)

A careless delivery person will drop an entire case of pills when you are in a pharmacy, today. Did you know that nitroglycerin is still used, sometimes, in the treatment of heart disease?


Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

It's time to move on to bigger and better opportunities. Be sure to be outrageously nice to everyone until you leave - they'll only remember the last bit, anyway.


Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Today will mark the first time you've ever actually "wrestled" a largish reptile. Although an unexpected experience, you will find it strangely stimulating, and may decide to pursue it as a career.


Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

As Buckaroo Banzai said, "No matter where you go, there you are." Oddly, this will not be entirely the case for you, today.


Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Good day to let your imagination soar. Tomorrow: imagining you're sore.


Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

You will walk into a door frame today, and people will smirk. Remember though, they're smirking with you, not at you.

 

[stmichael]

afternoon.

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Good time to invest in flowers and a card. Sometimes no occasion is the best occasion. Just like sometimes no disfiguring disease is the best disfiguring disease, I guess.


Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Beware of galoots, today.


Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

You will meet a tough challenge in a very resourceful way, today, using only a Swiss Army Knife, a transistor radio, and oven cleaner.


Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

It's time to get a new perspective on your job. Try to think of work as a great big funhouse. Just without the fun.


Leo (July 23 - August 22)

An old man with bad teeth will whack you with his cane today, as you walk past. He'll pretend it was an accident.


Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Soon you will start work on a mystery novel, "The Curse Of The Mummy's Nose", told from the point of view of your cat, Erik.


Libra (September 22 - October 22)

You will make the startling discovery that most of the lawyers and judges in your county have been possessed by demons. In fact, they weren't kidding when they said that possession was nine tenths of the law...


Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Remember - every cloud has a silver lining, and every problem is an opportunity in disguise. So next time you see a problem, just imagine it without the fake nose and glasses.


Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Good day to embrace diversity. Wear mismatched shoes.


Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Nothing especially remarkable will happen today. You will get a strange urge to talk like Ziggy Marley, but it will pass.


Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Today you will discover a troupe of gypsies hiding in your bathroom. They will leave when you ask them to, but you should expect a fair amount of grumbling.


Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

You will discover you have a certain flair for copywriting, and will pick up a little extra spending money by doing window signs for stores, such as "Going Out Of Business. Waaaah!"

[stmichael]

afternoon

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Today's a good day for original thinking and bursts of creativity. Also, not a good day to wear flammable clothing.


Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

You will make people squirm, today. Surprisingly, some of them will show remarkable talent at squirming.


Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Good time to be unspecific. Instead of being a day late and a dollar short, for example, just try to be late and short. See how much easier that is?


Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Dispite having a brilliant mind and a lot of terrific friends, you find yourself stagnating in a quiet backwater, with financial success nowhere in sight. You will go into business for yourself, however, making frozen Piroshki based on your grandmother's recipe, and will become rich and famous. Your grandmother will thwap you with her umbrella.


Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Good day to bring an empty donut box in to work, leave it on the counter in the break room, and send out email saying "free donuts!" Later, spread a rumor that your manager ate most of them.


Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Potato awareness day, today. Potatoes have had a tremendous influence on society, since their introduction into Western culture. Just think, for instance, of their effect on Dan Quayle's career!


Libra (September 22 - October 22)

Your obsession with Lapsang Souchong tea takes a turn for the worse, today, as you begin secretly soaking your undergarments in it. Professional help is indicated.


Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

It's time to start setting higher goals. Don't get stuff to make a salad and then let it rot in the fridge. Get stuff to make several salads, and start your own compost pile!


Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Some strange "hooting" creature will hide in your bushes today. You should be able to drive it off by whacking the bushes soundly with a kitchen broom.


Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

You will be followed by people who look suspiciously like shoe salesmen. Try to remain calm -- they can sense fear.


Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

You may be drinking a little bit too much coffee lately. That could explain why everyone else is moving so slowly, or why they say "What was THAT!?" in a verrrrry slow, deep voice, every time you walk by.


Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

The mountain will be happy to come to Mohammed, but Mohammed should be prepared for a brief (in geologic terms) delay.

[dawson99]

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Some strange "hooting" creature will hide in your bushes today. You should be able to drive it off by whacking the bushes soundly with a kitchen broom.


ive got to whack the 'bush' with my 'broom'?

consider it done

[stmichael]

afternoon all

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Today you will have a sudden, somewhat irrational desire to drive to Camden, New Jersey, and visit the Soup Tureen Museum. Fortunately, you will restrain yourself.


Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Today is a good day to exercise that special magic you have, of making people smile. Try telling everyone "smile when you say that, buster", for example.


Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Try not to be too impulsive, today. Ask youself if you really need that howitzer, or if you just think it'd be fun to have.


Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

You need to do something about that nervous laugh. Practice an "evil laugh" and use that instead. Then at least, you'll be able to hear everyone else's nervous laughter.


Leo (July 23 - August 22)

You'll become best pals with a large invisible rabbit, today. Well, actually he's a "puka", which is a type of Celtic spirit, but he'll look like a large invisible rabbit.


Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Leek soup day, today. Despite your recent tendency towards shoplifting vegetables, I highly recommend you buy a leek, not take one.


Libra (September 22 - October 22)

Someone will give you a card, today. It'll be nice.


Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Time to start looking for a new car. Try to find one with more personality, this time! (And less of a sense of humor.)


Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Today is not a good day to be yourself. In fact, that might even be dangerous. Be someone else, until further notice.


Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

You will finally find your spirit guide today, and your life will take on new meaning. Unfortunately for you, your spirit guide will turn out to have a sense of humor.


Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Watch out for vines, today. Sometime's it's hard to tell the difference between a vine and a creeper, until it's too late.


Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Today will be the best day of your life, if you can just remember ... er ... now what was that? Hmmm. If you can just remember something really important. Otherwise, no. Hmmm.

[hawkmoon269]

Mick is off sick today, so here's today's horoscopes:

    Aries (March 21 - April 19)

        Fortune will smile upon you today. Actually, it's more of a smirk.

    Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

        You will be granted a religious experience of startling significance, similar in some respects to the accounts of statues of the Virgin Mary weeping. In this case, however, she will sneeze.

    Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

        You are about to start a band, with friends, which will be called "Rainy Daze." You will choose that name primarily because one of your group simply doesn't care for "Clenched Buttocks" as a band name.

    Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

        You should look into some of that new "dream interpretation" software. That recurring dream about being naked in a hot tub with the Pope and Bill Gates is probably a really common one.

    Leo (July 23 - August 22)

        Everyone you see will be "power walking" today. Ignore them -- they're just trying to get on your nerves.

    Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

        Good day for a nice nap.

    Libra (September 22 - October 22)

        You will spend this week trying to get to the bottom of things. The good news is, you will succeed! The bad news is, the bottom of things is sometimes ugly, and often smells bad.

    Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

        Excellent day to be expansive and benevolent. It will make people worry.

    Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

        Today you'll idly wonder what ever happened to Alan Alda, since his MASH days. Believe me, you don't want to know. Neither do I (and I don't). I just know that neither of us wants to.

    Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

        Today you will join the political action group "Whiners For Peace", and will call up your senator's office and whine at them. Don't forget to sign up for the big "Pout Out" next month!

    Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

        Today you will flip a coin 4 times, and it will come up "heads", "tails", "heads", "heads." Then someone will come up and say "hey, whatcha doing?" Then the phone will ring. Just a coincidence, though, in this case.

    Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

        You will accidentally throw your back out. Not only will that really hurt, but the trash guys will get really surly when you ask for it back.

[stmichael]

hi people i'm back. thanks to hawkmoon for brifly filling in for me whilst i was away.

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Today you will turn over a new leaf. Good for you! We were all getting a little tired of you, you know, as you were.


Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Today may fail to live up to your expectations, but remember: it's what it's not that makes it what it is.


Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Yogurt day today. Did you know that some "natural remedies" books recommend squishing yogurt (the kind with active cultures) in your hair, to relieve dandruff? You should give it a try.


Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Hug day, today. Various people you know will come up and give you a hug, for no apparent reason. You will find this moderatly embarrassing.


Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Paper airplane day, today. Have as much fun as you can stand -- tomorrow will be ugly.


Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

This is an excellent day to dare. Dare to eat a peach. Dare to wear your trousers rolled, and walk along the beach. Dare to be different. That sort of thing.


Libra (September 22 - October 22)

Beware! Someone is about to come give you a hug.


Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Several people, quite independently, will tell you moose jokes today, or otherwise attempt to discuss moose with you. This is their subtle way of telling you that you're having a "bad hair day."


Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Today you will meet someone with a really "cute" sneeze.


Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

You will believe a completely rediculous hoax about a computer virus today, and everyone will tease you mercilessly.


Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Oh go ahead. You know you want to. Besides, nobody is watching.


Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Birds figure heavily in your day, today. My advice? Wear a hat.

 

[stmichael]

i'm back    

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

A large cement dragon will appear to be following you, although you'll never actually see it move. Don't you just hate that?


Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Today you'll try the old "goat in a box" trick, on your new boss. It'll backfire, though, and you'll be the one with the clown shoes.


Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

You will be in an extremely stuffy meeting today, which will seem to last forever. You will be able to liven things up a smidge by putting a few small feathers in your hand, and then "coughing" them out.


Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Excellent day to sneak.


Leo (July 23 - August 22)

You will independently re-discover an old Celtic trick, which will help considerably with an upcoming math test. In particular, you'll find that painting yourself blue may do little for your own mathematical abilities, but it will be a significant
distraction for everyone else.


Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

You will discover the secret to becoming a great artist! You can stick anything you want on the wall, the trick is to make people think deep thought went into it. For example, spray-paint a bathroom plunger gold, and stick little angel wings on it. Call it "Life In The Details."


Libra (September 22 - October 22)

Today you will irritate people. In fact, you'll irritate yourself.


Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Uh oh. "Bursting into song day", again. Your friends will avoid you.


Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Bad news: people think you're becoming paranoid. Isn't that just typical, though? I mean, they don't even HAVE invisible malevolent air-squids spying on THEM, do they?


Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Watch out for vines, today. Sometime's it's hard to tell the difference between a vine and a creeper, until it's too late.


Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

A brilliant idea for a new hand tool will strike you today, but it will be years too late. People these days are much less likely to buy an "M.C. Hammer" than they would have been a few years ago. If you're really intent on being an inventor, you should come up with a "drum roll", which you can sell to Pillsbury. Ta dah dum.


Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Excellent day to crouch behind furniture, and peer over the top. If you can do that while wearing one of those Groucho Marx noses, so much the better.

[stmichael]

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Sometimes you need to take one step back to make two steps forward. In this case, you'll need to go considerably further back.


Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Today you will flip a coin 4 times, and it will come up "heads", "tails", "heads", "heads." Then someone will come up and say "hey, whatcha doing?" Then the phone will ring. Just a coincidence, though, in this case.


Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Today you will finally get around to exercising! Your cat will look at you like you've gone completely whacky. Don't be intimidated, though -- at least you never get distracted and forget that you're holding your leg up behind your head.


Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Today you will buy a package of those birthday-party confetti-blaster thingies, and will rig booby traps for several of your friends. One of them will die of a heart-attack, due to the surprise, and you'll be plagued with horrible undying guilt for the rest of your life. Plus, you will run out of toothpaste, today.


Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Good day to sip tea. Remember to extend your pinkie!


Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

You will begin a bitter and drawn-out battle with a gopher. You don't stand a chance.


Libra (September 22 - October 22)

Someone you've never met will come up and nudge you today. You don't have to stand for that, though, and you should just nudge them right back.


Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Twelve freshly cut rods (made from ash) will be found in a peculiar pattern on the lawn. Two large black crows will watch you solemnly from the top of a parked VW Microbus. The weather will turn colder, and the air, although clear, will seem grey. Don't worry, though, it's probably nothing.


Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Beware! The Celestial Jade Emperor may banish you to the Big Grumpy Place if you don't start paying more attention to the four Winds. Obviously, this is a metaphor, somehow involving Cleveland.


Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Today you will finally get to push the big red button! The main question is now...what are you going to do with the rest of your life? The answer, naturally, is "worm farming."


Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

You will go on a boat ride, and a deranged bunny will swim towards you in a threatening manner. Unfortunately, this episode will be caught on videotape by a tourist, and your dreams of a political career will be forever dashed.


Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

You will narrowly avoid a collision on the sidewalk today, as a small giggling person runs past you, being hotly pursued by a weeping incoherent person waving a ham sandwich. Aside from that, a pretty typical day.

[stmichael]

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Remember to put a disclaimer at the bottom of your report, to say that it doesn't necessarily reflect the views of your management, or, for that matter, of any other carbon-based life form.


Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Today is a good day to exercise that special magic you have, of making people smile. Try telling everyone "smile when you say that, buster", for example.


Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

You will spend another day surrounded by idiots, or perhaps by well meaning but simple folks, who will drone on and on until your smile becomes forced, and you will begin to look like a deranged rodent.


Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Good day to start learning the violin. Interestingly, your neighbors will volunteer to pay for lessons. It's selfless gestures like that which really help friendships blossom.


Leo (July 23 - August 22)

A package will arrive for you today, from a distant relative in Tibet. Scarlet-robed assassins will begin following you.


Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Try to be logical, today. It's your only hope. (Which is considerably better than it would be if your "only hope" was some old geezer on the desert planet Falderol and you had to send a robot shaped like an underarm roller-type deodorant off to find him. But not as fun.)


Libra (September 22 - October 22)

Another excellent day to whittle.


Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

It's time for you to consider being kinder to your feet. And stop taking them for granted! For example, when's the last time you sat down and had a nice friendly chat with them? Do it today!


Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

You will lurk, today. There's nothing that wrong with lurking, after all, and it's occasionally somewhat refreshing. In fact, you'll soon begin work on How To Lurk, a best-selling self-help book on the topic.


Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

You will go on a potato binge today. Baked, fried, scalloped, stuffed, mashed, whipped, and hash-browned. Just stay away from the tater tots, for your own good.


Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Stay well clear of anti-tachyon beams, today.


Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Today will be mostly OK, except that you'll learn to pay more attention in the future to the phrase "Careful, filling is hot!."

[stmichael]

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

A bit of investigation is called for, today. Look for clues that seem out of place. Also, check with the man behind the curtain.


Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

You will spend this week trying to get to the bottom of things. The good news is, you will succeed! The bad news is, the bottom of things is sometimes ugly, and often smells bad.


Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Today is the 1,750,000-year aniversary of the invention of hand tools! (The original hand tool was the Oldovan Chopper, commonly made of chipped flint, and originally sold under the Sears Craftsman label.) Celebrate by getting out there and banging some rocks together!


Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

You will decide that you like the name "Sven" better than your own, and you begin encouraging people to call you that. Eventually, you will have your name legally changed.


Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Today you will make the bold move from fidgeting to twiddling. Just please be careful.


Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

You'll get your big break today! Try not to blow it. And stand up straight - shoulders back! That's better.


Libra (September 22 - October 22)

Continue hiding.


Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Someone will ask "How are you?" for the millionth time. You should celebrate the occasion by having a speech prepared - something embarassingly intimate is usually best. "Glad you asked, Bob. I'm having a darned tough time getting rid of these pesky genital warts, for one thing..."


Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

You will decide to write a letter to the editor. "Who is this 'Al Ninyo' guy," you'll say, "and why don't they just lock him up?"


Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Today you will discover that you have no real friends. Or at least, that they don't cast a shadow.


Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

You'll feel like you can't do anything right today. Unfortunately, it turns out you're right...


Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Say something completely ordinary, today, but follow it with "Get it?" and a big grin. For example, "I'm wearing shoes. Get it?" See who gets it. Avoid them.