Liverpool FC Forum

[stmichael]

hi all

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

You'll find more, and very "interesting", uses for cocktail umbrellas today.


Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

A rare form of management disease will strike you today, where you can only speak in metaphors. Still, you'll open the kimono and hit the ground running.


Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

You've about had it with one particular fool in your life. Have you considered investing in a tranquilizer gun? Mine comes in very handy, especially at work.


Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Someone named "Bob" is plotting to whap you with a calla lilly. If you carry long-stemmed carnations around with you today, you will be able to retaliate swiftly and effectively.


Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Good day to buy a stereo microscope, and examine that stuff under your toenail. Well, as good a day as any.


Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

You will make some new friends today. One of them will be on some sort of "sacred quest", which will make a good ice-breaker. ("So...what's with the coconuts?")


Libra (September 22 - October 22)

Today you will discover a hair growing in an odd place. Don't worry about it, unless the odd place is your eye.


Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Good day to review what you know about hamsters. I think that's all I should really say, except possibly that it's often considered impolite to see how much food you can pack into your cheeks, when dining out.


Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

A very pale young woman weilding a broadsword will approach you today to ask if you'd like your carnations pruned. Be nice and say yes. Reincarnation is tough on some people.


Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Good day to begin that toothpick sculpture you've been thinking of. You'll be the only private individual (aside from
Martha Stewart) who orders toothpicks by the case. Martha goes through several boxes just sticking breakfast together, I hear.


Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Today you will break all the resolutions you made yesterday, and you will grin.


Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

You will be misidentified, on national TV, as a renowned ichthyologist. Several people will call you, long distance, to ask about the mating habits of Tilapia.

   

[stmichael]

time for today's installment

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Try being entirely honest for a week. That's a fine way to develop a clear conscience. Personally, I prefer my method, though -- a poor memory.


Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

You haven't been sleeping well, but that will soon change. You will develop the knack of falling instantly asleep whenever you want to -- either at night, or during boring meetings.


Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

You will be driven into a panic today by the thought that you will live to see music by Oingo Boingo referred to as "classic" rock. Believe me, that's not nearly as strange as clothing trends will be, such as the "big elbow" look.


Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Not an especially good day to do anything involving contact cement. At least not if you have plans to go anywhere.


Leo (July 23 - August 22)

You will declare war on ham, today. Possibly on all pork, not just ham. Why? Nobody will know.


Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Someone you don't like will make repeated attempts to talk to you today. The best way to handle this is to stuff extremely crunchy food in your mouth during each attempt, and then mumble "What?" while looking at something slightly over their left shoulder.


Libra (September 22 - October 22)

People around you are starting to look a bit complacent. Good day to adopt a haunted expression and carry a large ball of aluminum foil.


Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Excellent day, today. Unless today is your 15th birthday, of course, in which case you're destined to have a particularly embarassing episode involving a cat and an argyle sock.


Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

This week you will discover the first of the Three Big Secrets Of Success: It's really hard to fail, if you have no purpose.


Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Today you will finally get around to exercising! Your cat will look at you like you've gone completely whacky. Don't be intimidated, though -- at least you never get distracted and forget that you're holding your leg up behind your head.


Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Nobody knows the trouble you've seen. Let's just hope you can somehow keep it that way!


Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Excellent day for unfettered optimism. Tomorrow: fettered optimism.

[dawson99]

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

This week you will discover the first of the Three Big Secrets Of Success: It's really hard to fail, if you have no purpose.


excellant, so zen master sponge of the pants being square... since i have no purpose, i can not fail. if i fall in the woods but stay real quiet, will i make a sound?

[stmichael]

hi there folks

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Someone named Tyrone is about to sell you a vaccuum cleaner. There's nothing much you can do about it, I'm afraid.


Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

You will be accosted today by several of those people who think only of themselves, and who believe that "sharing" is something that little kids have to do. Despite this, I recommend against turning them over your knee and spanking them -- unless you think you can get away with it.


Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

You're about to spend a considerable amount of time with someone who personifies "dour." The kind of person who never once clapped for Tinkerbell, even as a child. Just ignore them, if you can. If you can't ignore them, pretend they are a duck.


Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

You will have a grilled cheese sandwich today, and a bowl of tomato soup. When nobody is looking you will secretly dunk your sandwich. You never tire of the wild life, do you?


Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Due to a bump on the head today, you will lose all memory of what you did with your keys. Or at least, that always makes a dandy excuse.


Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Good day to bring an asparagus sandwich and a nice thermos of Cream-of-Meatloaf Soup for lunch.


Libra (September 22 - October 22)

You will insist on being called "El Magnifico", today. There will be some grumbling among the peasants.


Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

You will find that it is true - everything is better with the addition of either chocolate or garlic (but not both). Well, except for running shoes, that is.


Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

The bad news is, you're competing for that new job with a Hindu goddess. The good news is, if you think YOU have trouble figuring out what to do with your hands during an interview...


Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Today you will deliberately annoy people by standing too close to them when waiting in line. Tomorrow: standing just slightly too far away.


Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

You will be tickled without mercy, today. Oddly, you will not be able to see your assailant.


Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

If you act now, you could be the first on your block to have an actual moat and a working drawbridge. Something to consider.

[stmichael]

   

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

You will pass a sign that says "invorp" today. Fortunately, you will remember enough Dutch to know that it means "put your fingers in your ears and wiggle them." They are a silly people, the Dutch.


Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Excellent day to blow soap bubbles in unusual places. See if you can get them to drift by people who are thinking too hard.


Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

A coworker is going to steal one of your best ideas and claim it as his own. That's about what you should expect, though, from a cow "orker."


Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

You just need to start believing in yourself. Try getting other people to clap their hands, if they believe in you.


Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Excellent day to be expansive and benevolent. It will make people worry.


Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

You find that after all these years, you are finally beginning to conquer your fears. You will find that oddly frightening.


Libra (September 22 - October 22)

Stay out of the Cheez Doodles today.


Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Good day to snitch cookies when nobody's looking.


Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Good day to bring your entrenching tool with you. You never know...


Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

While poring over some old historical documents, you will discover that the Norman invasion was actually supposed to be the "Bob" invasion, but Norman stole the credit for it. Sadly, it will turn out to be too late to change it now.


Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

If you love someone, let them go. If you hate someone, grab 'em and hang on like a dog with a stick. Snarl a bit, too -- that's always fairly effective.


Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Life will deal you an interesting hand soon. Which is OK, although an interesting foot would have been better.

[stmichael]

sorry guys. better late than never

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

A strange package will appear on your doorstep -- a basket of fresh longan fruit, lined with a page from yesterday's Beijing newspaper. This could be a sign...


Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Aliens will land in Los Angeles today. Unfortunately, nobody will be able to tell.


Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

You will spend today in a state of mild anxiety. Probably Ohio.


Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

So. You let your "mole plants" die. Now the moles are back, and this time they mean business. No more Mr. Nice Mole. Try burying a line of eucalyptus cough drops along your property line. If that doesn't work, there's a chance you can buy a nuclear warhead from Ukraine.


Leo (July 23 - August 22)

You'll accidentally eat one of those fried szechuan chili peppers today, and it will bring tears to your eyes. This will strike you as odd, given that you will be eating a ham sandwich at the time.


Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

In a rather bizarre and unfortunate turn of events today, your lips will go ballistic. Shortly thereafter, your Ziggy Marley accent will kick in. You will be comforted to know that those are simply the first two signs of a "spaz attack", which is more common than most people realize, and usually non-fatal.


Libra (September 22 - October 22)

Excellent time to show the world that plaid and stripes do too mix. (Tip #12 of Arnold Pinknobble's "How To Get Noticed.")


Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

You will begin making strange facial expressions, completely unconsciously, in which you push your lips out as far as possible. Also, you will begin spending hours staring at tropical fish.


Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

You will have an enormously exciting day, today, compared to your usual day. You will find the prize in the cereal box.


Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

You will discover the secret to becoming a great artist! You can stick anything you want on the wall, the trick is to make people think deep thought went into it. For example, spray-paint a bathroom plunger gold, and stick little angel wings on it. Call it "Life In The Details."


Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Excellent day to make strange "hooting" noises, while hiding in the bushes.


Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

After years of study in higher mathematics, and a fiendishly complicated topological proof, you will finally be able to prove that half a loaf is exactly 7.412 times better than no bread.

[zarababe]

.. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Excellent day to make strange "hooting" noises, while hiding in the bushes.

Oi.. that wasn't me .. that's Woolly's forte..   

[stmichael]

time for today's wise qords people. 

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Good day for political intrigue and underhanded sneakiness. Try to wear something appropriate to the occasion.


Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Good day to work on your catapult. You never know when it could come in handy. Besides, it's good to worry your neighbors a bit -- keeps them civil.


Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Excellent day to go into politics. Make up a new government position, such as "Regional Manager, Dept. of The Posterior", and put up hundreds of posters of yourself. With any luck, it will be years before anyone notices that there is actually no such job.


Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Someone will soon approach you with an idea. Stay well clear of it.


Leo (July 23 - August 22)

You will get the peculiar urge to go outside and roll around in something yicky. Also, you'll notice your ears are getting hairy.


Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Do not leave home without a ball of twine, today. You won't actually need it, but it'll make you feel better to be prepared.


Libra (September 22 - October 22)

Fortune will smile upon you today. Actually, it's more of a smirk.


Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

You will accidentally step on someone's foot, and they will say "Ow!." That's when I usually say "No pain, no gain." Sometimes people don't like me. I've never figured out why.


Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

You will walk into a door frame today, and people will smirk. Remember though, they're smirking with you, not at you.


Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

The phrase "return your tray tables to the upright and locked position" will cycle endlessly through your mind, today. It's not serious. (But you should probably consider cutting down on the honey-roasted peanuts.)


Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Beware of unwarranted electrical assumptions today. On the other hand, a shower of sparks and a bit of ozone can be fairly exciting...


Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

You will lurk, today. There's nothing that wrong with lurking, after all, and it's occasionally somewhat refreshing. In fact, you'll soon begin work on How To Lurk, a best-selling self-help book on the topic.

[stmichael]

good afternoon all.

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Today you will happen upon a prediction by Nostradamus which will scare the living daylights out of you. As well it should, although how a medieval seer foresaw your exact name is anybody's guess.


Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

You will see an ancient symbol appearing in the whorls of your fingerprints. That, combined with the dreams of apocalypse may make you worry. I wouldn't though -- it's just a vitamin B12 deficiency.


Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Don't worry about your hair. It's your breath that makes people look at you like that.


Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Today you will begin work on a life-size pterodactyl robot, which you will use to terrorize the city. Either that or you'll take a nap. It just depends what sort of mood you're in.


Leo (July 23 - August 22)

You will design a really wonderful new type of placemat, today, and it will make you fantastically wealthy, providing you get it on the market before your competitors.


Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Good day to mumble.


Libra (September 22 - October 22)

You will have a rather unfortunate episode involving turnips, today. Later, however, you'll be able to write a killer song about it.


Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Excellent time to race one of those little Shriners cars up and down the sidewalk twenty thousand million times. Also, you'll meet an angel, but don't let on that you know who she really is.


Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

A hive of naked mole rats will move in with you today. You will find that they are relatively tidy creatures, but that it's a trifle difficult to explain their presence to your friends.


Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

You will be hired as a cook/housekeeper for 7 extremely short gentlemen, who all live together. Stay away from apples, for a while.


Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

You'll go out to dinner with a new person, soon. Remember the advice of my old Uncle Stonebender, though: "It's fine if someone eats like a bird, as long as they don't have kids."


Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Oh go ahead. You know you want to. Besides, nobody is watching.

   

[Judge]

nap sounds good

[stmichael]

how's it goin? let mystic mick provide the answers to all your apprehensions, fears and dreams.  

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Things haven't been going well for you lately, and you're sinking into a fairly ugly bit of self-pity. You merely need to count your blessings! (1) You've got a tremendous talent, which some day may be in demand, (2) You're almost normal -- LOTS of people have extra appendages, (3)...


Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

You've been yodelling in your sleep, again. Is it any wonder that you've been having trouble with your romantic relationships?


Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Good day to use the expression "just dandy" as much as possible. Tomorrow: "okey dokey" day.


Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Good day to put a few kumquats, some of those teensy little ears of corn, and a few brussels sprouts in a tiny little bowl, and leave it on someone's doorstep with a tiny little note reading "Dear Big People...."


Leo (July 23 - August 22)

You will join the ranks of the hipster cognoscienti. It'll be fun at first, but later you'll start secretly craving casseroles, and it will eventually become such an intolerable pressure that you'll abandon your pale, pierced friends with the clever haircuts and move to Minnesota.


Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Good day to begin making a monster costume. Be sure to make it nice and comfy, since you will discover that you actually enjoy lounging around in it.


Libra (September 22 - October 22)

You will feel tired and run-down today. This may possibly be because of the marathon you ran yesterday, and the taxi that ran into you near the finish line. Just a guess.


Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Today you will find yourself boldly charging through life. That can actually get you in trouble, though, so you should really attempt to pay with cash.


Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

You will be struck by an odd thought, today. Fortunately it will be only a glancing blow, and will do little actual damage.


Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Go find something flat, and scribble on it. People have been doing that for tens of thousands of years, and it's mostly been ok.


Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Small fluffy animals will come over and lean on you, today. It's just their way of showing their appreciation, and of telling you that you are furniture.


Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Due to forces beyond comprehension, you will begin talking with a Texas accent. Eventually, you'll come out with audio tapes to teach this to others, which you will call "Bubba-Bonics."


until the next time people. 

[stmichael]

and a very happy st paddy's day to you all! even if you're not irish, it's a good excuse to get pi$$ed.

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

You've heard that when economists use the word "nice", they're actually saying that something is homoscedastic and nonautoregressive. Today you will find out what they mean when they say something is "like, totally kewl."


Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Today is a good day to exercise that special magic you have, of making people smile. Try telling everyone "smile when you say that, buster", for example.


Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Excellent day to fidget.


Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

You will declare war on drugs, today, and will glare menacingly at your pharmacist.


Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Today you will be struck by the notion that "Life is like one of those little cars that the Shriners get to drive." You have a mind of great depth and profundity.


Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Good day to take up knitting, on horseback. Everyone needs an adventure.


Libra (September 22 - October 22)

That new employee seems honest, and is a really hard
worker - so who cares if she wants to wear a studded dog collar? You'll have to draw the line at butt sniffing, though.


Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

You will sneak out tonight, with a box of navel oranges under your arm, and grinning an evil toothy grin. When you wake up tomorrow, you will remember nothing about it. That's just the way these things work.


Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Today an ecologically-minded organic foods co-op will move into your home, while you're away. You'll be smelling whole-wheat fig bars for months, even if you succeed in extricating them. (Which is unlikely, in today's political climate. They need somewhere to hide. Have a heart.)


Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

You will rest peacefully, and sink into a strange dream. In the dream, you will be playing an odd version of soccer with huge clear balloons, and people will be cheering you on from the sidelines, who are dressed in white formal attire. Don't go into the light, ok? The extra point isn't worth it.


Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Try to avoid nibbling on things today. Despite recent developments, you don't actually know your friend that well yet.


Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Tomorrow is a good day to wear your lucky Rocketship underwear. Try not to leap into rooms while shouting "Hark!" however.

[woof woof !]

I wish I'd read this earlier ,I've just spent a fortune down Brixton.

[zarababe]

.. is that right.. Dawg Exactly on what .. if ure head is in the clouds by any chance .. let have some of what ure on

[stmichael]

   

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Today you will realize that it seems quite impossible to make any sense out of life, especially when you consider what life must be like in Nebraska.


Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Your plans to take over the world move forward to the next stage, soon, right on schedule. What you need now is a hunch-backed henchperson with pale protruding eyes. Fortunately for you, a suitible candidate will soon show up at your door, dressed as a peanut.


Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Someone will dash up to you today, say "meep meep! bthpblthpblthp!", and then dash off. At least now you'll know how to spell it.


Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Good time to go into business making measuring spoons. Good ones to start with would be a "smidgeon" and a "pinch."


Leo (July 23 - August 22)

If you've been wanting to become a religious leader, today is the day to get cracking on it. Otherwise, probably an uneventful day.


Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Not a good time to go forth and conquer. Try going fifth, and hover in the background.


Libra (September 22 - October 22)

Family problems again. It'll be just like that Rolling Stones song, about how you "Can't Always Get What You Wa-ant", except that in your case, you can replace one of the words with "Ever." Try being positive and future-focused. Also, pretend you don't speak English.


Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

You feel like you're slowly being crushed at work, in a mental and spiritual sense. Perhaps travel would refresh you? For spiritually beneficial travel, I usually consult my neighborhood
Astral Travel Agency.


Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Beware of celery.


Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Today you will be invited to go on a 3 hour boat tour, which you think will be lots of fun. It may last longer than you expect...


Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

You will soon send off for plans to build your own hovercraft. Your scheme to disguise it as a giant floating eyeball is a bit silly, though. Personally, I'd make it look like you were wearing a giant hoop-skirt, in which case the engine sound and levitation might easily be passed off as a rather unfortunate case of intestinal gas.


Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Today you will lose all self-control. You'll find it again tomorrow, though -- it just rolled under the couch.