Letter from the taxman - Serious sense of humour

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Postby woof woof ! » Mon Jun 20, 2005 11:15 pm

This is a genuine letter sent out by thr British Inland Revenue Dept.It was printed in the Gaurdian sept 03.

Dear Mr Addison , I am writing to express our thanks for your more than prompt reply to our latest communication , and to answer some of the points you raise.
I will address them as ever in order.
Firstly I must take issue with your description of our last communication as a "begging letter",it might perhaps be more properly referred to as a "Tax demand".This is how we at the Inland Revenue have always for reasons of accuracy, traditionally referred to such documents.
Secondly ,your frustration at our adding to the "endless stream of crapulent whining and panhandling vomited daily through the letter box and onto the doormat " has been duly noted .However ,whilst naturally I have not seen the other letters to which you refer I would cautiously suggest that their being from "Pauper Councils ,Lombardy Pirate banking houses and puissant gas mongerers " might indicate that your decision to "file them next to the toilet in case of emergencies "is at best a little ill advised .In common with my own organisation ,it is unlikely that the senders of these letters do see you as a "lackwit bumpkin or come to that a so'dding charity".More likely they see you as a citizen of Great Britain ,with a responsibility to contribute to the upkeep of the nation as a whole.Which, brings me to my next point . Whilst there may be some spirit of truth in your assertion that the taxes you pay "go to shore up the canker blighted toppling folly that is the Public Services " a moments rudimentary calculation ought to disabuse you of the notion that the government in any way expects you to "stump up for the whole damn party" yourself.The estimates you provide for the Chancellors disbursement of the funds levied by taxation ,whilst colourful,are ,in fairness a little off the mark .Less than you seem to imagine is spent on "Junketts for Bunterish lickspittles " and "Dancing Whore's "Whilst far more than you have accounted  for is allocated to ,for example ,"that box ticking facade of a university system"

In conclusion a few technical points regarding some of your direct queries .

1,The reason we don't "just write Muggins on the envelope " has to do with the vagaries of the postal system

2,You can rest assured that "sucking the very marrow from the bones of those with nothing else to give " has never been considered as a practice because even if the Personal Allowance  didn't render it irrelevant ,the sheer medical logistics involved  would make it financially unviable .

I trust this has helped .In the meantime ,whilst I would not in any way wish to influence you decision one way or the other .I should point out that even if you did choose to "give the whole foul jamboree up and go and live in India " you would still owe us the money .

Please forward it by friday .
Yours Sincerely
H Lee
Customer relations .






  :laugh:  class.
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Postby Woollyback » Mon Jun 20, 2005 11:21 pm

eeeh the beloved taxman, never knew the c*nt had a sense of humour :D
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Postby andy_g » Mon Jun 20, 2005 11:24 pm

the guy that wrote that is wasted in the inland revenue (bast@rds :angry: )
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Postby Woollyback » Mon Jun 20, 2005 11:27 pm

I think I'm gonna up sticks and live in Dubai, TAX FREE EARNINGS :love:
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Postby andy_g » Mon Jun 20, 2005 11:28 pm

tax free earrings?
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Postby Woollyback » Mon Jun 20, 2005 11:32 pm

andy_g wrote:tax free earrings?

no, they're taxable at your highest marginal rate
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Postby zarababe » Mon Jun 20, 2005 11:38 pm

andy_g wrote:tax free earrings?

.. 22 Carrot ???  where ... where..  :D
THE BRENDAN REVOLUTION IS UPON US !

KING KENNY.. Always LEGEND !

RAFA.. MADE THE PEOPLE HAPPY !

Miss YOU Phil-Drummer - RIP YNWA

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Postby andy_g » Mon Jun 20, 2005 11:40 pm

did you mean 22 carat by any chance, zb? :D :;):
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Postby zarababe » Mon Jun 20, 2005 11:46 pm

:D No .. carrotts are good for ya..   oh it's late Andy.. :D
THE BRENDAN REVOLUTION IS UPON US !

KING KENNY.. Always LEGEND !

RAFA.. MADE THE PEOPLE HAPPY !

Miss YOU Phil-Drummer - RIP YNWA

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Postby Lando_Griffin » Tue Jun 21, 2005 2:47 am

He can afford to laugh, as he ain't got a body riddled with the blood-sucking leeches. Facking tax. We pay the bas*ard on virtually everything we buy! Lets be real about things. We go to work to earn money to live. We get taxed for the privilege of working. Great. So after Norman the tw*tty taxer has had his share, we go and buy necessities, and, God forbid, some small luxuries. Snap is to have VAT on it soon. Champion. We buy a car to get to work. We pay tax on the cost of the car. Then, before we can drive it, we have to buy tax  for it(which itself has VAT), put fuel in it (taxed), MOT it (inc.VAT), insure it (taxed) and maybe even pay registration fees with, guess what? - VAT. So by the time we are finally allowed to drive the car we have just bought, we've been taxed 8 times. 8 FOOKING TIMES!!!!! :angry:

How long before there's a tax on air? Some bas*ard will issue it sooner or later. (And before anyone asks how it would be enforced, the answer is "not too well", but the feckers will try it anyway.)
After all this taxation by the government that promised to lower taxes, what do we have to show for it? Fack all. The NHS is a flea-infested donkey with puss-filled cold sores all over it's bottom, the Police service is a joke. All that facking bas*ard Blair wants are Specials, as they don't get paid. Them, and Community Support Officers. What a load of shat. The dustbin service is a pain in the ar*e, we've got 3 different bins now (normal rubbish, paper and glass) that seem to get emptied as and when the idle bas*ards feel like it. (Obviously the normal bin is going to get full quicker than the others, but the council are as much use as a male stripper at a lesbo night. Public transport isn't even suplied by the tax money now, as all the companies around us are private. The Army - well I'm really glad about the 8 taxes now!!! The army is now THE biggest pile of horse sh*t in the history of equestrian eventing. That greedy wan*er Brown has got to be a minion of Satan. The stupid tw*t just doesn't understand that one of these days, he's going to get the most almighty kick in, that he'll be threading laces up his :censored:, and out his nose for months. Why does he keep bleeding us all dry? Whats the big idea? It ain't to solve the immigration crisis, as these cu*ts realise that the more desperate* foreign refugees** they allow in, the higher the votes in their favour will be. (Citizenship after 5 years). It's about time we all told him and his bunch of drone-headed monkey :censored: to pi*s off and join the foreign legion. (then get killed scrapping with a hungry Walruss).
BAST*RDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :angry: :angry:

*Or better known as "lazy, idle sponger"
*Fleeing a bad credit rating and/or angry Landlord.:angry:
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Postby woof woof ! » Tue Jun 21, 2005 6:34 am

:laugh:  Lando , you forgot to mention that after death the gov't still give us one last boot in the nads with "death duties"  :D  :D  :D
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Postby Judge » Tue Jun 21, 2005 9:18 am

i got the very same letter woof :D
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Postby woof woof ! » Tue Jun 21, 2005 9:42 am

The Return of the Judge wrote:i got the very same letter woof :D

:laugh:  So writing just "Muggins" on the envelope does occasionally work ?


:D
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Postby hawkmoon269 » Tue Jun 21, 2005 11:09 am

Try this one:

The attached is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by a 96
year-old woman. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it
published in the New York Times.

To whom it may concern, 

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored
to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds
must have elapsed between his depositing the check and the arrival in my
account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the
automatic monthly transfer of funds from my modest savings account, an
arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only thirty-one years.
You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity,
and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the
inconvenience caused to your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has
caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I
personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to
contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging,
pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has recently become. From
now on, I, like you,  choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood
person.

My mortgage and loan  repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer
be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed
personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must
nominate. Be aware that it is an offense  under the Postal Act for any
other person to open such an envelope.

Please find attached an Application Contact Status form which I require
your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but
in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about
me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her
medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory
details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and
liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.

In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which
he/she must quote in  dealings with me.  I regret that it cannot be
shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of
button presses required of me to access my  account balance on your
phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of
flattery.

Please allow me to level the playing field even further. When you call
me, you will now have a menu of options on my new voice mail system to
choose from. Please press the buttons as follows:
       1) To make an appointment to see me.
       2) To query a missing payment.
       3) To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
       4) To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
       5) To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to
            nature.
       6) To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
       7) To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my
            computer is required.   Password will be communicated to you at a
            later  date to the Authorized Contact. To return to the main menu and
            to listen to options 1 through
       8) To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then
            be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.
            While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will
            play for the duration of the call.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an
establishment fee of $50 to cover the setting up of this new
arrangement.

Please credit my account after each occasion.   
May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New Year.

Your Humble Client,  (Remember: This was written by a 96 year old)
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Postby Judge » Tue Jun 21, 2005 11:13 am

woof woof ! wrote:
The Return of the Judge wrote:i got the very same letter woof :D

:laugh:  So writing just "Muggins" on the envelope does occasionally work ?


:D

aye, no address at all, just muggins, and as such was promptly delivered  :D
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