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[Ciggy]

   

AN LFC MOVIE MATINEE…
THE MAGNIFICENT 7’s
(BASED ON THE MOVIES ‘THE MAGNIFICENT SEVEN’ AND ‘THE SEVEN SAMURAI’)

FILMED ON LOCATION IN SHANKLYVILLE (IN GLORIOUS RED TECHNICOLOR)

**

SCENE 1 – RIDERS ON THE STORM 

BLACK CLOUDS GATHER AS 3 OF THE EVIL BANDITO’S KNOWN AS ‘THE ROTTEN 1’s EMERGE FROM THE SHADOWS OF THE MOUNTAIN… THEY ARE GONZALES BAILEY, DODGY SEAMAN AND PANCHO JENNINGS…

GONZALES BAILEY
Hold your Palomino’s Amigo’s!

DODGY SEAMAN
Are we there yet Hombre?

BAILEY POINTS AHEAD TO A PICTURESQUE VILLAGE AS A RED SKY DAWNS…

GONZALES BAILEY
You see the green and pleasant land ahead Chico’s? That is no other than the legendary Shanklyville!

PANCHO JENNINGS
It don’t look so special to me Gonzales… What else you know about this place?

BAILEY ADJUSTS HIS SOMBRERO AS SEAMAN SMOOTHS HIS RAKISH MUSTACHIO…

GONZALES BAILEY
Well Pancho… it’s citizens are a peaceful people. They dwell here, content in the knowledge that theirs is the most hallowed turf on God’s Earth…

PANCHO JENNINGS
Until we get our hands on it!

DODGY SEAMEN
I am thinking that it is ‘gunner’ be a pleasure to pillage! …gunner? Do you get my little joke? Tee-hee-heee!

BAILEY AND JENNINGS STARE AT SEAMAN IN DISGUST…

PANCHO JENNINGS
Hey Amigo, anyone ever tell you the back of your stupid ponytail head look exactly like a Palomino’s ar-

GONZALES BAILEY
There is no time for nonsense! Our despicable leader said to head off at Evan’s Pass! Arriba!!

THE THREE ROTTEN 1’s GALLOP AWAY AS LIGHTNING STRIKES AND THE RAIN POURS DOWN…

**

SCENE 2 – SEND IN THE CLOWNS 

ANOTHER BUSY NIGHT IN THE SANDON SALOON - A VERY PLEASANT ESTABLISHMENT RUN BY TOMMY SMITH AND ROB JONES (ALIAS SMITH AND JONES) – THE FLOW OF BEER AND BANTER ARE RUDELY INTERRUPTED AS THE SALOON DOORS ARE FLUNG WIDE OPEN AND A BALD BANDIT WALTZES IN BRANDISHING A SHOTGUN…

BARTENDER JONES
Holy Smoke! If it ain’t Buffoon Barthez!

‘BUFFOON’ BARTHEZ
Monsieurs and Madamoiselles… Zis eez a steeck up!!

BUFFOON BARTHEZ FIRES HIS SHOTGUN SKYWARDS AND IS INSTANTLY BURIED UNDER AN AVALANCHE OF CEILING RUBBLE…

BARTENDER SMITH
Looks like he’s totally plastered!

THE PATRONS OF SHANKLYVILLE LAUGH WHOLEHEARTEDLY AT THE RIDICULOUS BUFFOON - BUT THE LAUGHTER INSTANTLY STOPS AS A FIGURE DRESSED ENTIRELY IN GREEN ARROGANTLY STRUTS IN…

BARTENDER JONES
Dagnammit all ta hail! …It’s the number 1 son of a gun! …Pedro Schmichael!

ALL DIVE FOR COVER AS PEDRO SCHMICHAEL RIDDLES THE BAR WITH A HAIL OF BULLETS…

PEDRO SCHMICHAEL
Give me a shot of tequila barkeep if you know what is good for you!

AS SCHMICHEAL GULPS A TUMBLER FULL OF TEQUILA HIS NOSE INSTANTLY REDDENS, ACCOMPANYING HIS GOATEE BEARD AND HIS GREEN ATTIRE, HIS RESEMBLANCE IS NOT AT ALL UNLIKE THAT OF A GARDEN GNOME…

PEDRO SCHMICHAEL
Losers of Shanklyville… Your days of glory eez all finish! I am here to take eet all away!

BARTENDER SMITH
You’re about as welcome here as a rattlesnake in my boot! This here is our happy little gnome! …I mean home!

SCHMICHAEL BELCHES IN BARTENDER SMITH’s FACE KNOCKING HIM OUT INSTANTLY – LED BY BARTENDER JONES THE PEOPLE OF SHANKLYVILLE RISE IN ANGER AND CIRCLE THE ROTTEN LEADER…

PEDRO SCHMICHAEL
Uh-oh… this could be my bacon cooked!

THE SALOON DOORS BURST OPEN AND IN THE NICK OF TIME SCHMICHAEL IS BACKED UP IN FORCE BY HIS FELLOW ROTTEN 1’s…

PEDRO SCHMICHAEL
Say hello to my leetle friends!!!

AS THE PEOPLE SURRENDER BARTENDER JONES TENDS TO HIS FELLED PARTNER…

BARTENDER SMITH
You… take the first… two and leave the rest… to……

BARTENDER SMITH PASSES OUT AGAIN…

BARTENDER JONES
Damn these injuries!… Was a time you and I could have defended against these creeps without breaking a sweat!

PEDRO SCHMICHAEL
Yes you keep talking up your precious old days! From now on that is all you have!

BAILEY HEARS THIS AND GLARES AT SCHMICHAEL AND FOR A MOMENT SCHMICHAEL LOOKS NERVOUS…

PEDRO SCHMICHAEL
Hey you had your time amigo!… I am in charge now!

GONZALES BAILEY
So what would you have us do oh ‘glorious’ one?

PEDRO SCHMICHAEL
For a start you can wake up the Buffoon, and then be assisting me as I terrorise and loot, Muchos Grazias!

DODGY SEAMAN
Oh it sure is ‘gunner’ be a pleasure! …gunner? Do you get my little joke? Tee-hYYEEEEAAAAARRRGGGHHH!!!

PEDRO SCHMICHAEL
Oh I’m sure I didn’t mean to shoot you right there in the kneecap Dodgy!

SCHMICHAEL WATCHES IN SATISFACTION AS THE GOOD PEOPLE OF SHANKLYVILLE ARE ROUNDED UP BY HIS ROTTEN POSSE AND FORCED TO PART WITH THEIR SILVERWARE…

PEDRO SCHMICHAEL
Now you listen up you stupeed steenkin’ Gringo’s of Shanklyville! … I am no’ a greedy man, nor do I ask for much, just every leetle piece of seelver you all got!... And let there be NO funny idea’s about crying for help ‘coz there is no hero’s past nor present nor future can save you all from the force that is Pedro Schmichael …Waaaa-haaaa!

AS SCHMICHAEL CRACKS A WHIP AND LAUGHS MANIACALLY, BAILEY AND JENNINGS DRAG BARTHEZ FROM THE RUBBLE, HIS EYES ARE BLACKENED, HIS NOSE IS BLOODY AND HIS HEAD IS COVERED IN WHITE PLASTER GIVING HIM AN UNCANNY RESEMBLANCE TO A CIRCUS CLOWN…

BUFFOON BARTHEZ
…eez it over Yet? Deed we win?

PEDRO SCHMICHAEL
Win?… We ALWAYS win!

**

SCENE 3 – THE GOOD, THE BAD AND THE UGLY 

THE SUN RISES OVER ONE OF THE MOST BREATHTAKING AREA’S OF SHANKLYVILLE – PAISLEY’S PEAK – AND IT IS A BUSY MORNING IN VENISON’S BARBER SHOP…

VENISON THE BARBER
Well, well three customers all at once! …who’ll be first Gentlemen?

HOTSHOT 7
I’ll go first, I’d like one of those dodgy 70’s perms please…

VENISON THE BARBER
Excellent choice sir, as you can see by my girly flowing golden locks I can certainly appreciate a ludicrous hairstyle!

VENISON THE BARBER TURNS TO HIS SECOND CUSTOMER…

LEATHERFACE 7
I brought me mams pudding bowl, if you could jus’ plonk it on me head and cut ‘round it ta…

VENISON THE BARBER
Very well sir, but I must insist that you also wear this paperbag over your face as you are quite frankly the ugliest man I have ever seen in my entire career!

LEATHERFACE 7
Oh well… they don’t call us Leatherface for nothin’ I guess.

VENISON THE BARBER
Don’t you think Quasimodoface would have been more appropriate?

THIRD CUSTOMER COUGHS FOR ATTENTION…

VENISON THE BARBER
My goodness young man, never have I seen such a barnet in desperate need of a trim!

DESPERATE 7
Ey? What you on about la? I was jus’ seeing if you’s had any jobs going, I’m desperate for a bit of spare cash like

VENISON THE BARBER
You don’t exactly look poor to me

DESPERATE 7
Never said I was… It’s jus’ no matter how much I earn… it’s never enough!

A COOL VOICE INTERRUPTS…

“Well… I just so happen to be recruiting at the moment…”

DESPERATE 7
Who the blazes said that?

ALL TURN TO THE DOORWAY WHERE A BLONDE HAIRED MAN, ALMOST REGAL-LIKE, MAJESTICALLY STANDS…

VENISON THE BARBER
Can we help you?

MAJESTIC 7
You could say that old friend…

WITH A DEFT FLICK OF THE WRIST HE THROWS HOTSHOT, LEATHERFACE AND DESPERATE A RED SHIRT – EACH ONE EMBLAZONED WITH THE DIVINE NUMBER… OF 7

HOTSHOT 7
Me lucky number!

LEATHERFACE 7
Why aye mine too!

DESPERATE 7
Ey up same here!

MAJESTIC 7 CANNILY SMILES…

**

SCENE 4 – HEIGHWAY TO HEAVEN 

MOUNTED ON HORSEBACK MAJESTIC 7 LEADS THE WAY THROUGH THE STORM, THE OTHER 7’s FOLLOW AS CLOSELY AS THEY CAN BUT AT TIMES STRUGGLE TO KEEP UP…

DESPERATE 7
Talk about a wild horse chase! …Where in tarnation is his majesty leading us?

HOTSHOT 7
Shortcut to Fagan’s Edge… a brief yet glorious patch of Shanklyville!

LEATHERFACE 7
It’s not easy keeping up! I thought my horse was fast… but his is crazy!

HOTSHOT 7
Crazy horse huh? Well they make one heck of a team!

DESPERATE 7
And I’m getting one heck of sore saddle! We better be getting handsomely paid for this! …

LEATHERFACE 7
Man on, Man on! There’s a couple of riders galloping towards us!

MAJESTIC 7 SIGNALS TO HALT…

HOTSHOT 7
Who are they and what do they want?

THE FIRST OF THE TWO RIDERS PULLS BACK HIS HAT TO REVEAL HIS INCREDIBLE GOOD LOOKS…

DESPERATE 7
Heck, he’s so darn pretty, I don’t know whether to shoot him or ask him for a date!

THE SECOND RIDER STARES COLDLY AHEAD…

LEATHERFACE 7
Hey… Czech him out! He’s got an air of bravado about him!

DESPERATE 7
Ah! He’s bluffing it!

MAJESTIC 7 DISMOUNTS AND GREETS THE TWO RIDERS WITH A TIP OF HIS HAT… TO WHICH THEY BOTH TURN AND PROUDLY DISPLAY THE NUMBER 7 ON THEIR BACKS…

HOTSHOT 7
That settles it! I guess we’re all playing for the same team boys!

BABYFACE 7
That’s right… Babyface at your service!

COWARDLY 7
And I am… Yikes!… w-what was that noise?

ALL THE 7’s SUDDENLY DIVE TO THE GROUND AS BULLETS FLY OVERHEAD…

HOTSHOT 7
Mother of Shankly! We’re under attack!

LEATHERFACE 7
There must be a whole posse! Those darn bullets are flying in from every direction!

DESPERATE 7
Look! There’s someone approaching from down under!

A MYSTERIOUS RIDER GALLOPS TOWARDS THE 7’s AT FULL SPEED…

HOTSHOT 7
You actually mean to tell me he’s all alone?

THE RIDER PULLS UP AND TIPS HIS HAT…

BABYFACE 7
Hang it all! He’s almost as pretty as I am!

DESPERATE 7
Say, I know that face! It’s on every wanted poster in town! Heck of a bounty on his head! I’ll split it with you guys 70-30!

LEATHERFACE 7
Never mind that! Is he any good?

DESPERATE 7
They call him the Long Ranger! One heck of a reputation, this could be trouble boys…

RANGER 7
G’day Squires! If any of ya want to reach the Highway alive-

MAJESTIC 7
Heighway

RANGER 7
What did you say?

MAJESTIC 7
It’s no’ the highway son, it’s the Heighway

RANGER 7
Either way sport… Ya gotta get past me!

COWARDLY 7
I’ll just be on my way now if nobody minds… I Yiii!!!!

AS COWARDLY 7 MAKES TO RUN AWAY… THE LONG RANGER LASSOO’s HIM…

RANGER 7
Awfully nice shirt ya got there, and it’s me lucky numberoo! Don’t mind if I help myself to it do you?

COWARDLY 7
Oh n-no, not at all! Tell the truth it chafes a little!

ALL IMMEDIATELY HUSH AS THE MAJESTIC ONE RAISES HIS HAND…

MAJESTIC 7
Why don’t you wear your own son?

RANGER 7
Why don’t you mind your own?

A RED SHIRT IS THROWN INTO THE LONG RANGER’s ARMS…

RANGER 7
Mmm… seems tailor made… is this an invite to join the party?

MAJESTIC 7
Put it this way son… you can go our way… or the heighway

RANGER 7 HOLDS THE RED SHIRT UP AND THE NUMBER 7 APPEARS TO SHIMMER AND GLOW…

RANGER 7
Well since you put it like that… Seven 7’s huh?

MAJESTIC 7 CANNILY SMILES…

**

SCENE 5 – …CASUALTIES OF WAR 

MEANWHILE, BACK AT THE SANDON SALOON, THE ROTTEN 1’s ARE CELEBRATING VICTORY WITH SEVERAL DRINKS, THEY LOOK STRONGER THAN EVER IN FORCE WITH NEW AND EQUALLY OBNOXIOUS RECRUITS…

PEASANT BEASANT
This eez the life! Say, did I ever tell you hombre’s about the time I won a shootout with The Aldo Kid?

SWEATY SOUTHALL
Somebody give him another shot of tequila before he tells that boring old story again

PEASANT BEASANT
Your problem Southall, eez that you are still bitter over missing out on the gold Rush!

SWEATY SOUTHALL
Do not ever be saying the ‘Rush’ word again!

PEASANT BEASANT
So… there I was with my fellow bandito-in-crime, Dirty Sanchez, when the Aldo kid…

THE ROTTEN 1’s INSTANTLY FALL ASLEEP…

BEASANT
Okay… so maybe I mentioned it once or maybe two times before…

THE ROTTEN 1’s WAKE WITH A START AS A FURIOUS SCHMICHAEL BURSTS THROUGH THE SALOON DOORS…

PEDRO SCHMICHAEL
So! Here I am! Busting my taco’s off and all you guys are taking a siesta!

DODGY SEAMAN HOBBLES TO HIS FEET…

DODGY SEAMAN
Why you so angry your looneyness?! Don’t we have a mighty arsenal here? Oh-ho-ho! I just had to mention the mighty-AAAAARRRRRGGGGHHHH!!!

PEDRO SCHMICHAEL
Well would you believe now my gun has gone off in your other kneecap Dodgy!… No…no, my mistake! …It eez the SAME kneecap again as before! Well I guess that must be very hurting, no wonder you cry like small girl!

PANCHO JENNINGS
What eez today’s rotten plan your rottenness?

PEDRO SCHMICHAEL
Well Amigo’s! Even by my despicable standards today will be something very special! We are going to ride into the very heart of Shanklyville!

GONZALES BAILEY
What… Anfield?

PEDRO SCHMICHAEL
Yes, you got a problem with that? Maybe in your time eet was a fortress, now… eez more like a candy store!

ALL THE ROTTEN 1’s EXCHANGE BLANK LOOKS AS SCHMICHAEL ALMOST WETS HIMSELF AT HIS OWN JOKE…

PEDRO SCHMICHAEL
What we are going to do, is get our hands on that statue of Shankly and then we…

SCHMICHAEL SUDDENLY STOPS…

PEDRO SCHMICHAEL
Say!… Do any of you Gringo’s hear something?

THE ROTTEN 1’s DUMBLY STARE AT ONE ANOTHER…

PEDRO SCHMICHAEL
Funny! I could have sworn for a moment I heard the sound of seven Palomino’s approaching at a very fast speed! Perhaps I was wro-

AT THE SOUND OF BREAKING GLASS THE ROTTEN 1’s THROW THEMSELVES TO THE FLOOR IN A BLIND PANIC… AS THEY LOOK UP THEY SEE AN OLD, LEATHERY FOOTBALL RESTING ON THE FLOOR OF THE SALOON…

PEDRO SCHMICHAEL
I think perhaps somebody is not very happy with us!

THE SALOON DOORS ARE BLOWN OFF THEIR HINGES, AND THERE… STANDING IN THE OPEN ARCHWAY…

PEDRO SCHMICHAEL
It cannot possibly be!! Eez it really all seven of them? …Happy, Dozy, Sneezy, Bashful, Doc, Sleepy… and their leader, Grumpy!

RANGER 7
…and the horse you rode in on you son of a-

PEDRO SCHMICHAEL
Tough guys huh? You want to take us all on?

LEATHERFACE 7
Why aye… reckon I just might wanna do that!

LEATHERFACE 7 DEFTLY TRAPS THE LEATHERY BALL, THEN THROWS A HANDFUL OF SIXPENCE’s INTO THE AIR…

SCHMICHAEL AND HIS ROTTEN 1’s ARE INSTANTLY MEZMERISED AS THEY DUMBLY WATCH THE COINS…

SPINNING ON A SIXPENCE - LEATHERFACE 7 IS SHEER POETRY IN MOTION AS HE CONNECTS WITH THE BALL WHERE IT STRIKES PEASANT BEASANT IN THE FACE – INSTANTLY KNOCKING HIM OUT…

RANGER 7
You beauty!

ALL THE ROTTEN 1’s STARE AT ONE ANOTHER IN DUMBFOUNDED ASTONISHMENT…

PEDRO SCHMICHAEL
Do not just be standing there you eediots! KEEL THEM ALL!

THE ROTTEN 1’s LEAP TO THEIR FEET AND REACH FOR THEIR WEAPONS…

COWARDLY 7 INSTANTLY FAINTS TO THE FLOOR WITH A HEAVY THUD…

DESPERATE 7
Man down!

DESPERATE 7 TAKES POSSESSION OF THE LOOSE BALL AND SHIMMYS AROUND THE BEWILDERED ROTTEN 1’s… OPENING UP SPACE FROM ONE END OF THE SALOON TO THE OTHER…

HOTSHOT 7
This is stupendous stuff!

DESPERATE 7 PRODUCES A SHOT LIKE A RABBIT OUT OF A HAT THAT TAKES JENNINGS CLEAN OFF HIS FEET…

BABYFACE 7
Oh… didn’t he open them up!

GONZALES BAILEY SNEAKS OUT OF THE SALOON WHILST PEDRO SCHMICHAEL SCREAMS…

PEDRO SCHMICHAEL
What eez this treeckery!?!?

THE BALL LANDS AT THE FEET OF THE MAJESTIC ONE… AND HE TURNS… AND HE CURLS IT HIGH…

DODGY SEAMAN AWKWARDLY BACKTRACKS…

DODGY SEAMAN
I can get that!

AS THE BALL CRUELLY LOOPS HIGH BEYOND SEAMAN’s REACH HIS KNEES GIVE WAY WITH ONE FINAL ALMIGHTY CREAK…

DODGY SEAMAN
What the fajita?

BARELY ABLE TO STAND, DODGY SEAMAN CAN ONLY WATCH AS BABYFACE 7, SUDDENLY REALISING HE HAS ROOM AND PUTTING IT TO GOOD EFFECT, PICKS UP THE REBOUND AND CRACKS A PEACH OF A SHOT…

DODGY SEAMAN
Uh-oh!

DODGY SEAMAN IS FINISHED, BUT BABYFACE 7 IS CAUGHT OFFSIDE, AND SCHMICHAEL PACES FURIOUSLY TOWARDS HIM…

SCHMICHAEL
Say your prayers pretty boy!

BABYFACE 7
Cover Me!

THE LONG RANGER MEASURES UP THE BALL…

RANGER 7
No worries! One of me special beauties coming right up!

RANGER 7 COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY MIS-FIRES…

FOR A MOMENT THE ENTIRE SALOON IS IN SILENT SHOCK…

RANGER 7 LOOKS DOWN AT HIS OWN BOOTS IN DISBELIEF… THEN WATCHES HELPLESSLEY AS SCHMICHAEL TAKES BABYFACE 7 DOWN WITH VENEMOUS FORCE…

RANGER 7
Strewth! …I’m firing blanks!

EVERY MAN DIVES FOR COVER AS GONZALES BAILEY GATECRASHES BACK INTO THE SALOON, SADDLED UP WITH SEVERAL HORSES IN REIN…

GONZALES BAILEY
Once again I save your worthless hides!

PEDRO SCHMICHAEL
Muchos Gratzias! …Everybody grab a horse and head for Anfield…

SCHMICHAEL GLARES AT MAJESTIC 7…

PEDRO SCHMICHAEL
…where we shall settle matters for once and for all! …Arriba!!

AS THE ROTTEN 1’s HIGHTAIL TOWARDS ANFIELD THE MAGNIFICENT 7’s GATHER AROUND THE FALLEN BABYFACE… HE LOOKS UP TO MAJESTIC 7…

BABYFACE 7
I failed you… I just couldn’t fill your boots…

MAJESTIC 7
You gave it everything you had son… you never let anyone down

THE MOOD IS HEAVY AND SOMBRE AS BABYFACE CLOSES HIS EYES…

COWARDLY 7 OPENS HIS…

COWARDLY 7
Where am I? What happened?

THE OTHER 7’s STARE AT COWARDLY 7 IN DISGUST…

COWARDLY 7
I must have slipped, tell the truth I can be a little accident prone-

THE OTHER 7’s EXIT…

COWARDLY 7
Hey fella’s! Wait up! Where are you headed? Wait for me?

**

SCENE 6 – ANFIELD, GET YOUR GUN 

BLAZETRAILING THROUGH TREACHEROUS CONDITIONS MAJESTIC 7 LOOKS AROUND, PUZZLED…

MAJESTIC 7
Where are Desperate and Leatherface?

RANGER 7 LOOKS AROUND IN CONFUSION WHILST HOTSHOT 7 SADLY SHAKES HIS HEAD…

HOTSHOT 7
They split to their own paths… Last I saw they were headed for the Souness Wilderness…

RANGER 7
Why that’s crazy! I hear all that broken trail leads to is Fool’s Gold!

MAJESTIC 7
Be fair son… they did their bit

RANGER 7
Point taken

AS THE REMAINING 7’s APPROACH THE HALLOWED TURF OF ANFIELD THEY WITNESS A TRULY AWFUL SIGHT – THE CITIZENS OF SHANKLYVILLE ARE DESPERATELY TRYING TO DEFEND THE STATUE OF THEIR GLORIOUS FOUNDER AS THE ROTTEN 1’s PRESS A FULL SCALE ASSAULT…

GONZALES BAILEY
Get back you steenkin’ dogs!

AS THE ROTTEN 1’s FORCE THE PEOPLE BACK SCHMICHAEL LASSO’s THE BRONZE STATUE OF SHANKLY…

PEDRO SCHMICHAEL
Oh what a glorious moment it will be when I bring down your Stupeed Shankly!

SOUTHALL GLEEFULLY WAVES A TIN OF PAINT…

SWEATY SOUTHALL
And then I colour him blue! Waaa-haaaah!

HOTSHOT 7 TURNS TO MAJESTIC 7…

HOTSHOT 7
I’m making a charge…do you think you can cover for me?

MAJESTIC 7 CANNILY SMILES…

MAJESTIC 7
I’ll try my best

THE BALL FIRMLY AT HIS FEET, HOTSHOT 7 SURGES AHEAD, TRYING HIS TRICKS, PLAYS A BEAUTIFUL 1-2 WITH MAJESTIC 7 AND BLASTS A SHOT…

STRUCK IN THE FACE, GONZALES BAILEY IS INSTANTLY TAKEN OUT…

THE PEOPLE OF SHANKLYVILLE CHEER WITH HOPE IN THEIR HEARTS…

RANGER 7
Scorcher! …and what a move that led to it!

THE BALL TRICKLES BACK FOR A LONG RANGER SPECIAL…

RANGER 7
Feet don’t fail me now!

THIS TIME HIS AIM IS TRUE…

SOUTHALL IS CRUELLY HIT BETWEEN THE LEGS AND KEELS OVER IN AGONY, SPILLING HIS TIN OF BLUE PAINT ALL OVER HIMSELF…

SCHMICHAEL STARES AROUND IN DISMAY AS THE PEOPLE OF ANFIELD CHEER WILDLY…

PEDRO SCHMICHAEL
Curse them all! Barthez! Where are you Chico?

BUFOON BARTHEZ EMERGES FROM THE CROWD, ARM IN ARM WITH A DARK HANDSOME COWBOY…

BUFOON BARTHEZ
Pedro, I would like you to meet my very special friend… Calamity James!

CALAMITY JAMES
Yeeee-haaaaa!

CALAMITY JAMES ATTEMPTS TO STYLISHLY WHIP HIS LASSO, ALMOST KNOCKING HIMSELF OUT…

PEDRO SCHMICHAEL
Have you finally lost your mind Bufoon? Come and help me to pool this statue down!

BUFOON BARTHEZ
Non monsieur, Me and Calamity are running away to ze circus… I theenk per’aps we can be very ‘appy together!

SCHMICHAEL WATCHES IN DISBELIEF AS BUFFOON BARTHEZ AND CALAMITY JAMES RIDE OFF INTO THE SUNSET… AND SIMULTANEOUSLY FALL OFF THEIR HORSES…

SCHMICHAEL SWEATS PROFUSELY AS THE PEOPLE OF SHANKLYVILLE CLOSE IN AROUND HIM…

THE PEOPLE CHEER AS MAJESTIC 7, HOTSHOT 7 AND RANGER 7 STRIDE UP TO THE LAST OF THE ROTTEN 1’s…

PEDRO SCHMICHAEL
Outnumbered again huh? …Time to play my Ace!

SCHMICHAEL WHISTLES AND TO EVERYONE’s SURPRISE A COWBOY LEAPS FROM THE SHADOW’s, DIVING AT THE FEET OF HOTSHOT 7 AND TAKING HIM OUT…

THE COWBOY STRUTS HIS STUFF AND EVERYONE NOTICES HE WEARS AN IMPRESSIVE SET OF SILVER SPURS ON HIS BOOTS…

PEDRO SCHMICHAEL
Sure he used to be one of you Gringo’s! But now he eez rotten to the core! Say hello to Spurs Clemence!

MAJESTIC 7 PATIENTLY WATCHES AS SPURS CLEMENCE TAKES AIM DIRECTLY AT HIM…

EVERYONE IS SILENT…

SPURS CLEMENCE
Sorry old partner, we had some great times… but this is business!

CLEMENCE FIRES…

MAJESTIC 7 SWIFTLY DODGES… THEN WITH A MIXTURE OF CHEEK AND GENIUS FLICKS UP THE BALL AND PRODUCES A BULLET THAT CATCHES CLEMENCE RIGHT BETWEEN THE EYES…

RANGER 7
And it was as simple as that!

AS MAJESTIC 7 TENDS TO THE FALLEN CLEMENCE, THE DESPICABLE SCHMICHAEL AIM’s AT HIS BACK…

RANGER 7
Cheap shot!

MAJESTIC 7 TURNS AND REALISES HE CANNOT STOP SCHMICHAEL IN TIME…

PEDRO SCHMICHAEL
All the seven’s go to heaven… say your prayer’s Gringo!

THE CROWD FEAR THE WORST…

RANGER 7 UNLEASHES A LONG RANG CROSS BUT IT SEEMS THAT NO-ONE IS THERE TO MEET IT…

RANGER 7
Is there to be late drama?

THERE IS! …COWARDLY 7 EMERGES FROM THE BUSHES AND PLANTS A FANTASTIC, AND SO VITAL SHOT THAT TAKES SCHMICHAEL CLEAN OUT…

RANGER 7
And that concludes the business for the night!

SCHMICHAEL LAYS FLAT OUT ON THE FLOOR, STARING UPWARDS TO THE HEAVENS IN DISMAY WHERE HE SEE’s THE STATUE OF BILL SHANKLY LOOKING DOWN AT HIM, ARMS ALOFT IN VICTORY, FOREVER SMILING…

PEDRO SCHMICHAEL
Lose… we ALWAYS lose!

THE PEOPLE OF SHANKLYVILLE WILDLY CELEBRATE…

COWARDLY 7 IS ABSOLUTELY ECSTATIC AS THE PEOPLE HAIL HIS LAST GASP HEROIC’s, HE SOAKS UP THE PLAUDITS, PERFORMS A LITTLE SOMERSAULT…

AND PROMPTLY BREAKS HIS LEG…

AMIDST THE SCENES OF JOY MAJESTIC 7 STANDS OVER THE CRUMPLED BODY OF SPURS CLEMENCE…

SPURS CLEMENCE
I Guess.. ya got me… old partner

MAJESTIC 7
Aye…

SPELL CLEMENCE
Well now… ain’t no shame in gettin’ beat by the best

MAJESTIC 7 EXTEND’s HIS HAND TO CLEMENCE…

MAJESTIC 7
Can you stand old friend?

CLEMENCE ACCEPT’s THE MAJESTIC ONE’s HAND AND THE PEOPLE OF SHANKLYVILLE HEARTILY APPLAUD…

CLEMENCE APPLAUDS THEM BACK…

**

SCENE 7 – YOU’LL NEVER RIDE ALONE 

IT IS PARTY TIME AS THE DELIGHTED PEOPLE OF SHANKLYVILLE HOLD A SPECIAL CELEBRATION FEAST IN HONOUR OF THE MAGNIFICENT 7’s…

SMITH AND JONES HAPPILY SERVE DRINKS AS MAJESTIC 7 PROUDLY LOOKS AROUND…

RANGER 7 IS THE TOAST OF THE FUTURE, AND COWARDLY 7, IN PLASTERCAST BUT FINALLY A HERO, HAS NOTICEABLY CHANGED HIS NUMBER TO ‘11’ – (IN WHICH HE LOOKS FAR MORE COMFORTABLE)…

THE PEOPLE EXCHANGE TIMELESS TALES OF ANFIELD FOLKLORE, SUCH AS THE POPULAR LEGEND’s OF THE PERFECT 10’s, THE DIVINE 9’s, THE HIGH 5’s AND EVEN THE HOLY TRINITY 3’s (BUT THESE ARE OTHER STORY’S!)

THEN MAJESTIC 7 NOTICE’s ONE YOUNG BOY IS CRYING HIS LITTLE HEART OUT…

MAJESTIC 7
What’s the matter son?

BOY
You’re leaving us ain’t you?

MAJESTIC 7 GENTLY NODS…

MAJESTIC 7
Aye son

BOY
We’ll never be no good again!

MAJESTIC 7
Why do you say that son?

BOY
Coz we need you, don’t go!

MAJESTIC 7
You’ve got the future to look to son, build on Houllier’s Plateau…

BOY
That dodgy old wasteland! You can’t build anything on that! It’ll sink without trace!

A COOL VOICE INTERRUPTS…

“No… I can build on it”

MAJESTIC 7 TURNS TO SEE A BALDING MAN SMILING…

MAJESTIC 7
Senor Benitez?

SENOR BENITEZ
Si your Majesty! Is true Houllier’s Plateau is much wasteland… but is also strong foundation in many parts!

MAJESTIC 7
In that case you’ll need this…

MAJESTIC 7 HANDS BENITEZ A SHERIFF’s BADGE…

SHERIFF BENITEZ
You want to help me build a bridge to glory my young friend?

THE BOY INSTANTLY CHEERS UP…

BOY
The Benitez Bridge… sounds dead wicked like!

SHERIFF BENITEZ
Of course it will take time and I need a good strong team!

BOY
I’m good! I’m strong!

SHERIFF BENITEZ
What is your name son?

BOY
Steven… Me mates call me Stevie…

SHERIFF BENITEZ SMILES BENEVOLENTLY…

BENITEZ
Then let us talk Stevie!

BOY
Jus’ wait ‘till I tell me mate Jamie!

AS THE GOOD SHERIFF BENITEZ AND THE BOY TALK, A CROWD OF YOUNG HOPEFUL’s GATHER AND A HUGE BUZZ GENERATES ALL AROUND SHANKLYVILLE AS THEY EAGERLY PLAN FOR THE FUTURE…

KENNY CANNILY SMILES…

AND AS THE DUSK SETS ON THE GLORIOUS LAND OF SHANKLYVILLE ONE MAN TAKES HIS FINAL RIDE INTO THE GOLDEN RED SUNSET… A LEGENDARY MAN WHO WOULD ALWAYS BE FOREVER KNOWN AS…

THE KING OF 7’s

THE END

**
Dedicated to Kenny Dalglish

[106-1093504160]

wow.

excellent read

you have a way with words. im sure kennys thrilled:D

[Woollyback]

Lynds you're nuts     Genius, but nuts

[106-1093504160]

agreed woolly.

i expect she'll be writing for news of the world or daily sport

lol

[Ciggy]

agreed woolly.

i expect she'll be writing for news of the world or daily sport

lol

Daily star alan give me some credit, anyway me mate dave wrote it not me, just thought yous would like it

[106-1093504160]

we love yer twang lynds

[106-1093504160]

twang i said, not the twang of the bra strap

[Dom1]

was that a JOKE??

i didnt get it

[106-1093504160]

thats coz yer a young one, however there was posts in between but they never showed dom

[zarababe]

[106-1093504160]

daily star then lynds, ok

[who the hell is diarra]

Mad as a fu**in badger

[Dom1]

[106-1093504160]

Mad as a fu**in badger

  who me? or dom?