Liverpool FC Forum

[PhiLFC]

Got this in a text over new years...


Winston is a 5 year old nigerian boy.

Despite having only one leg, he has to pedel his bike 15 miles everyday to get to school.

His bike doesn't have any tyres and the one working pedal is at the wrong side for him.


Please send just £2.50 to receive the video... its as funny as fu.ck!

aaaagh ha ha ha ha          that's gonna keep me laughing all day 

[shakey]

Welsh Joke

A bloke walks into G’s local boozer and all the locals turn round and stare at him.

He orders a drink and the barman says “You’re not from round here are you?”

“No” replies the visitor, “I’m from up North”

“What do you do for a living then?” asks the barman.

“I’m a taxidermist” says the stranger.

“A what?” says a confused Welshman.

“I stuff animals”

“Oh, it’s ok lads” the barman says to his regulars “He’s one of us”!!!

[shakey]

An interview with an 80-year-old woman


The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married -- for the fourth time.

The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation 'He's a funeral director,' she answered.

'Interesting,' the newsman thought.
He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.

She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she'd first married a banker when she was in her early 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, later on a preacher when in her 60's, and now in her 80's, a funeral director.

The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.

She smiled and explained, 'I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go.

[shakey]

Children writing all about the sea...

1.. This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles.(Kelly age
6)

2.. Oysters' balls are called pearls. (James age 6)

3.. If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island . If you don't have
sea all round you, you are incontinent. ( Wayne age 7)

4.. Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily
Richardson. She's not my friend no more. (Kylie age 6)

5.. A dolphin breaths through an on the top of its head.
(Billy age 8)

6.. My uncle goes out in his boat with pots, and comes back with
crabs.(Millie age 6)

7.. When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the
ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle
to make the wind come. My brother said they would be better off eating
beans. (William age 7)

8.. I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails.
How do mermaids get pregnant? (Helen age 6)

9.. I'm not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is always
screaming and being sick, my Dad keeps shouting at my Mom, and my big
sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy age
6)

10.. Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can
give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I
think they have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher age 7)

11.. When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my
willy small. (Kevin age 6)

12.. Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Two divers
can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky age
8)

13.. On holiday my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was
going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water shot up
her fanny. (Julie age 7)

[dawson99]

whats the best way to get a granny to shout boll0x?

get one before to shout bingo

[Kharhaz]

Did ya hear about the little boy scaring OAP's on the estate? Hes running around shoving a cucumber through the letterbox growling "The Incredible Hulk is coming to get ya !"

[destro]

A woman is in a bridal shop trying on a wedding dress after being widowed three times when the local gossip walks in.

The gossip says "Why are you wearing white to get married, this is your 4th time, you are hardly a virgin !"

The bride to be replies

"I am still a Virgin, My first husband was an artist and he just wanted to paint it, my second was a Gynecologist and he just wanted to look at it and my third was a stamp collector....I miss him the most"

[Redman in wales]

HOW THE FIGHT STARTED

I rear-ended a car this morning.

So there we are alongside the road and slowly the driver gets out of the car. . . and you know how you just get sooo stressed and life seems to get funny?

Yeah, well, I could NOT believe it . . . he was a DWARF!

He storms over to my car, looks up at me and says, "I AM NOT HAPPY!"

So, I look down at him and say, "Well, which one are you then?"

. . . And that's when the fight started.

[dawson99]

> >>>> > NEVER TRUST A DOCTOR
> The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration.
>
> You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the
> pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
>
> Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first
> Time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person.
>
> He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need… a new suit."
>
> He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit." The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see… size 44 long." Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"
> "Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said.
>
> Joe tried on the suit, it fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."
>
> The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck." Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know? "Been in the business 60 years."
>
> Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop, and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"
>
> Joe thought for a moment and said, "Sure." The salesman said, "Let's see… size 36."
> Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I got you. I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old."
>
> The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."
>
> New suit - £400
> New shirt - £36
> New underwear - £6
> Second Opinion - PRICELESS

[shakey]

Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment, always
circle the stain in permanent pen, so that when you remove the garment from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain and check that it has gone.

Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand next to the
object you wish to view.

Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting
someone else to hold them while you chop away.

Always poo at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper, but
you'll also be getting paid for it.

Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at a
chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the f**king thing in the first place, you fat ba5tard.

Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The morning
after, you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full of
washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.

Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your home by
filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then
urinating into it, before jumping in.


Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.

Anorexics. When your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating
cakes again.


Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken ********* by
running a bit slower.

Smokers. Save on matches and lighters, by simply lighting your next fag
from the butt of your last one.

Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or
veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute etc 'tastes exactly like the real thing', they won't know the difference.

Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you'd no doubt
be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them about
yours,and ask for a nice steak.

Give comics that 'Pulp Fiction' feel by reading the last frames of cartoons
first, and then read the rest in random order.

High blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself and bleed for a
while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

Heavy smokers. Don't throw away those filters from the end of your
cigarettes. Save them up and within a few years you'll have enough to
insulate your roof.

Nissan Micra drivers. Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car
before starting a long journey You drive the things like dodgems anyway,
so it may as well look like one.

A mouse trap placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from
rolling over and going back to sleep.

Avoid bickering and petty arguments by immediately punching anyone with whom you disagree.

Fool next door into thinking you have more stairs than them by banging
your feet twice on each stair.

At supermarket checkouts a Toblerone box makes a handy 'Next customer
Please' sign for dyslexic shoppers.

Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the
fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.

A next door neighbour's car aerial, carefully folded, makes an ideal
coat hanger in an emergency.


AVOID parking tickets by leaving your windscreen wipers turned to 'fast
wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally.

HOUSEWIVES. I find the best way to get two bottles of washing-up liquid
for the price of one is by putting one in your shopping trolley and the
other in your coat pocket.

OLD telephone directories make ideal personal address books. Simply
cross out the names and address of people you don't know.
__

[Dundalk]

A Polar Bear walks into a bar and squares up to the barman. "I'll have a whisky and coke ............ and some peanuts" said the Polar Bear, in a gruff voice.
To which the bartender replied, "Why the big paws"

[dawson99]

now that a definate 'need for the visual aid' type joke, but a classic

[account deleted by request]

A rugby league fan is drinking in a Yorkshire bar, when
he gets a call on his mobile phone. He hangs up, grinning
from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks for
everybody in the bar, announcing his wife has just
given
birth to a typical Yorkshire baby boy weighing 25 lbs
Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at
25 lbs
, but the rugby fan just shrugs and replies,
That's about average in Yorkshire... like I said, my boy's a
typical Yorkshire baby boy. Gonna be a rugby league
player."
Congratulations showered him from all around, amid
many exclamations of "WOW!" One woman actually
fainted due to sympathy pains.

Two weeks later, he returns to the bar. The bartender
says, "Say, aren't you the father of that typical Yorkshire
baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth?

Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in
two weeks. So, how much does he weigh now?"
The proud father answers, "Twenty pounds."
The bartender is puzzled, concerned and a little
suspicious. "What happened? He already weighed 25
pounds the day he was born!"
The Yorkshireman takes a slow swig of his Samuel Smith's,
wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender
and proudly says,

"Had him circumcised..."

[Number 9]

A lot of you dont know me,some do!

I have a story to tell about my romantic procedures,including my glass eye!

Well my friends i had a court case the other day,Like yourselves i feel a little cold on the introduction parade.
Anyway i was sitting in a restuarant chatting away when my eye popped out bounced on the table and landed on some randomers lap,with an uneven hand she caught it and smiled at me!

After that it was just pure sex,she asked me the next day...Can i be with you?

I said Nah you just caught my eye:;):

[Kharhaz]

The local priest was walking along a lonely road with woodlands surrounding each side of the path when he came upon a frog. He glanced at the frog and continued on his path when as he was passing the frog said "hello". The priest stopped dead in his track looked at the frog and thought for a moment, "maybe my minds playing tricks on me", he continued to walk and he heard "why are you ignoring me? I said hello"

The priest again stopped dead in his track, looked at the frog and said "did you say that?"
The frog replied "yes, I know its unusual for a frog to speak but the fact is im an 8 year old boy who was turned into a frog by a witch because I spied on her casting a new spell which none of the other witches knew about and for my curiosity I was punished by my transformation. The only way I can be restored to my normal self is for a human to show me love and compassion and as you can guess, I have been shown little of that"

Feeling sorry for the frog and his curse the priest took the frog home, he gave him all the flies he could eat and when he could handle no more he took him to his bed, he had 2 thermal blankets to ensure he was warm, he had the puffiest pillow the priest could afford and a kiss on his head to show the priest showed his love. In the morning when the priest woke up sure enough his love had worked, the frog transformed into a handsome blue eyed blonde haired little boy.......

And that your honour, is the case for the defence........