Liverpool FC Forum

[daxy1]

these harry potter stories there a bit far fetched
i mean i can buy the fact that magic exists
maybe even unicorns but, have you ever seen a ginger kid with two mates?

[stmichael]

I went the docs yesterday

"Doc, can you have a look at my "

So the doc examines it for a couple of minutes and says " I'm sorry I can't find anything wrong with it"

I said "I know, its a f#ckin beauty isnt it"

[Redman in wales]

The Sensitive Man
A Man and woman meet in a bar.
 
They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together. They get back to his place,
as he shows her around his apartment. She notices that one wall of his bedroom is
completely  filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the bedroom,
with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall!
It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched
by the amount of thought he had put into organising the display. There were small bears all along the bottom shelf,
medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.
She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears,
She is quite impressed by his sensitive side. but doesn't mention this to him.
They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after awhile, she finds herself thinking,
'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father of my children?'
 
She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips He responds warmly.
They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom
where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love.
She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known.
After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow.

The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, 'Well,how was it?'
The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says:



































'Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf.'

[MightyLFC]

Yo mama so fat the only pictures you have of her are satellite pictures

[Dundalk]

What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
Nacho Cheese. 

[account deleted by request]

A man and woman are sitting next to each other at a bar. After a few drinks, the man turns to the woman and asks why she looks so down.

“My husband just left me,” she says. “He thinks I’m too kinky in bed.”

“What a coincidence! My wife just left me,” the man replies. “She said I was too kinky for her!”

Ten minutes later, back at her place, the woman says, “Let me slip into something more comfortable,” and she goes into the bathroom to change into a leather dominatrix outfit. But when she returns, the man is walking out the door.

“Where are you going?” she asks. “Didn’t you want to have kinky sex?”

“Well,” he says. “I just screwed your dog and sh!t in your purse. I’m done!”

[shakey]

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high
school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady
swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asks, "Do you know her?"

"Yes," I sighed, "She's my old girlfriend. I
understand she took to drinking right after we split
up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been
sober since."

"My God!" says my wife, "Who would think a person
could go on celebrating that long?"

So you see, there really are 2 ways to look at
everything...........................

[dawson99]

best joke ever!!! i nominate this at least for joke of the year, i bet saint laughs

> > The world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make is taking a stroll down his local high street.
> >
> > As he passes by the record shop, a sign catches his eye.
> >
> > "Just Released -New LP -Wasps of the World and the sounds that they make - available now"
> >
> > Unable to resist the temptation, the man goes into the shop.
> >
> > "I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make. I'd very much like to listen to the new LP you have advertised in the window."
> >
> > "Certainly, Sir," says the young man behind the counter. "If you'd like to step into the booth and put on the headphones, I'll put the LP on for you."
> >
> > The world expert on European wasps goes into the booth and puts on the earphones.
> >
> > Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth and announces, "I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make and yet I recognised none of those."
> >
> > "I'm sorry Sir", says the young assistant.
> >
> > "If you'd care to step into the booth, I can let you have another 10 minutes."
> >
> > The world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make steps back into the booth and replaces the headphones.>
> >
> > Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth shaking his head.
> >
> > "I don't understand it", he says,
> >
> > "I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make, and yet I still can't recognise any of those!"
> >
> > "I'm terribly sorry, Sir" says the young man, "perhaps if you'd like to step into the booth again, you could have 5 more minutes."
> >
> > Sighing, the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make steps back into the booth.
> >
> > Five minutes later, he comes out again, clearly agitated.
> >
> > "I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make and yet I have recognised none of the wasps on this LP."
> >
> >
> > "I really am terribly sorry", says the young assistant ........
> >

















> >
> > "I've just realised I was playing you the bee side."

[account deleted by request]

A little old lady wanted to join a biker club.
She knocked on the door of a local biker club and a big, hairy, bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answers the door.

She proclaimed, "I want to join your biker club."

The guy was amused and told her that she needed to meet certain biker requirements before she was allowed to join.

So the biker asked her, "You have a bike?"

The little old lady said, "Yeah, that's my Harley over there," and points to a Harley parked in the driveway.

The biker asked her, "Do you smoke?"

The little old lady said, "Yeah, I smoke. I smoke four packs of cigarettes a day and a couple of cigars while I'm shooting pool."

The biker was impressed and asked, "Well, have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?"

The little old lady said, "No, I've never been picked up by the fuzz, but I've been swung around by my nipples a few times."

[account deleted by request]

Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."
>
> Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."
>
> Nelson: "Hold on, that's not what I dictated to Flags. What's the
> meaning of this?"
>
> Hardy: "Sorry sir?"
>
> Nelson (reading aloud):
>
>
>
> "England expects every person to do his or her duty, regardless of
> race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability.'
>
> - What gobbledegook is this?"
>
> Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal
> opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting '
> England ' past the
> censors, lest it be considered racist."
>
> Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."
>
> Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated
> smoke-free working environments."
>
> Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration.
> Let us splice the
> mainbrace to steel the men before battle."
>
> Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral.
> Its part of the
> Government's policy on binge drinking."
>
> Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it .
> full speed ahead."
>
> Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this
> stretch of water."
>
> Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in
> history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's
> nest please."
>
> Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."
>
> Nelson: "What?"
>
> Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No
> harness; and they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations.
> They won't let anyone up
> there until a proper scaffolding can be erected."
>
> Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."
>
> Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the foredeck
> Admiral."
>
> Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."
>
> Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a
> barrier-free environment for the differently abled."
>
> Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse
>
> even to hear mention of such words. I didn't rise to the rank of
> admiral by playing the disability card."
>
> Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under represented in
>
> the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."
>
> Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."
>
> Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't
> let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want
> anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"
>
> Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell
> the men to stand by to engage the enemy."
>
> Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."
>
> Nelson: "What? This is mutiny!"
>
> Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being
> charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of
> legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."
>
> Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"
>
> Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."
>
> Nelson: "We're not?"
>
> Hardy: "No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners
> now.
> And furthermore according to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't
>
> even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for
> compensation."
>
> Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."
>
> Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear you
> saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary report."
>
> Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your
> King."
>
> Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural
> age .
> Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your life"
>
> Nelson: "Don't tell me - Health and Safety. Whatever happened to rum,
> sodomy and the lash?"
>
> Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on
> corporal punishment."
>
> Nelson: "What about sodomy?"
>
> Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir."
>
> Nelson: "In that case...............................
> kiss me, Hardy."

[kalos]

2 dyslexic skiers finish the slopes.

"were we zig zagging or zag zigging coming down ? "asks one

"Dunno says the other- ask that chap over there"

"Excuse me sir did you see us ski-ing down the slope? "

"Yes" says the bystander

"were we zig zagging or zag zigging coming down ?"

Dunno I'm a tobogganist.

Oh , in that case I've have 20 Benson & Hedges and a box of matches please!

[Kharhaz]

Tampax have announced they are swapping the string on all Tampax for tinsel, but just for the Christmas period! 

[Kharhaz]

Stumbled across this one while surfing (internet of course, not real, any exercise and im knackered ! ) made me laugh so here it is:

Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what`s wrong.
"Well," replies Paul, "you know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?"
"Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh.
"Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."
"That`s great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?"
"I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I`d get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my penis to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn`t show."
"Sensible" says Jeff.
"So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw."
"And what happened then?"
(Paul slumps back over the bar again.)
"I kicked her in the face."

[Redman in wales]

Got this in a text over new years...


Winston is a 5 year old nigerian boy.

Despite having only one leg, he has to pedel his bike 15 miles everyday to get to school.

His bike doesn't have any tyres and the one working pedal is at the wrong side for him.


Please send just £2.50 to receive the video... its as funny as fu.ck!

[account deleted by request]

Got this in a text over new years...


Winston is a 5 year old nigerian boy.

Despite having only one leg, he has to pedel his bike 15 miles everyday to get to school.

His bike doesn't have any tyres and the one working pedal is at the wrong side for him.


Please send just £2.50 to receive the video... its as funny as fu.ck!