Liverpool FC Forum

[LFC2007]

What's the fastest cake in the world?
















SCONE!

[account deleted by request]

A man and a woman meet at a bar one day and are getting along really well. They decide to go back to the woman's house where they engage in passionate love making.

Suddenly, they hear a noise at the door and the woman says, "Quick, my husband is home. Go hide in the bathroom!"

The husband comes up into the bedroom and looks at her. "Why are you naked?" he asks.

The woman smiles and says coyly, "Well, I heard you pull up outside, so I thought I would come up here and get ready!"

"Okay," the husband replies, "I'll be back in a minute."

Before his wife can stop him, he goes into the bathroom and sees the naked man standing there clapping his hands.

"Who the hell are you!" the husband asks.

"I'm from the extermination company. Your wife called me in to get rid of the moths you are having trouble with."

The husband, getting angrier by the moment, exclaims, "Then why you are naked!"

The man then looks down at himself and exclaims, "Those little b@stards"





An old joke but still makes me laugh

[destro]

Its a long one but worth the wait !



>DJ: "Hey! This is Ed on FOX-FM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match'?"
>Contestant: (laughing) "Yes, I have."
>DJ: "Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to the Gold Coast if you
>win. What is your name? First only please."
>Contestant: "Brian."
>DJ: "Brian, are you married or what?"
>Brian: (laughing nervously) "Yes, I am married."
>DJ: "Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please."
>Brian: "Sara."
>DJ: "Is Sara at work, Brian?"
>Brian: "She is gonna kill me."
>DJ: "Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?"
>Brian: (laughing) "Yes, she's at work."
>DJ: "Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?"
>Brian: "About 8 o'clock this morning."
>DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."
>Brian: (laughing sheepishly) "Well..."
>DJ: "Question #2 - How long did it last?"
>Brian: "About 10 minutes."
>DJ: "Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said that
>if a trip wasn't at stake."
>Brian: "Yeah, that trip sure would be nice."
>DJ: "Okay, final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this
>morning?
>Brian: (laughing hard) "I, ummm, I, well..."
>DJ: "This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?"
>Brian: "Not that it was all that great, but her mum is staying with us for
>a
>couple of weeks..."
>DJ: "Uh huh..."
>Brian: "...and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time."
>DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."
>Brian: "On the kitchen table."
>DJ: "Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred
>times
>I've done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get this wife's work
>number and call her up. You listen to this."
>[3 minutes of commercials follow. ]
>DJ: "Okay audience; let's call Sarah, shall we?" (Touch
>tones.....ringing....)
>Clerk: "Kinkos."
>DJ: "Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?"
>Clerk: "This is she."
>DJ: "Sarah, this is Ed with FOX-FM. We are live on the air right now and
>I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now."
>Sarah: (laughing) "A couple of hours?"
>DJ: "Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to give
>any\answers away or you'll lose. Sooooooo... do you know the rules of 'Mate
>Match'?"
>Sarah: "No."
>DJ: "Good!"
>Brian: (laughing)
>Sarah: (laughing) "Brian, what the hell are you up to?"
>Brian: (laughing) "Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be completely
>honest."
>DJ: "Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah. If your
>answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be off to the Gold
>Coast for 5 days on us.
>Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."
>DJ: "Alright. When did you last have sex, Sarah?"
>Sarah: "Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian went to work."
>DJ: "What time?"
>Sarah: "Around 8 this morning."
>DJ: "Very good, next question. How long did it last?"
>Sarah: "12, 15 minutes maybe."
>DJ: "Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect his
>manhood. We've got one last question, Sarah. You are one question away from
>a trip to the Gold Coast. Are you ready?"
>Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."
>DJ: "Where did you have it?"
>Sarah: "OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that did you?"
>Brian: "Just tell him, honey."
>DJ: "What is bothering you so much, Sarah?"
>Sarah: "Well..."
>DJ: Come on Sarah.....where did you have it?
>Sarah: "Up the ....."

[LFC2007]

A bear, a lion and a chicken meet.

Bear says: "If I roar in the forest, the entire forest
is shivering with fear!"

Lion says:"If I roar in the desert, the entire desert
is afraid of me!"

Chicken says: "Big deal, I only have to cough and the
entire planet shits itself."

[66-1112520797]

A bear, a lion and a chicken meet.

Bear says: "If I roar in the forest, the entire forest
is shivering with fear!"

Lion says:"If I roar in the desert, the entire desert
is afraid of me!"

Chicken says: "Big deal, I only have to cough and the
entire planet shits itself."

[LFC2007]

The Irish Air Force have come up with a way to eradicate bird flu.












They're going to bomb the Canary Islands.

[LFC2007]

Here's a goodun:

A duck walks into a pub and says to the barman: "Got any bread?" Barman says: "No." Duck says: "Got any bread?" Barman says: "No." Duck says: "Got any bread?" Barman says: "No, we have no bread." Duck says: "Got any bread?" Barman says: "No, we haven't got any f*#@ing bread." Duck says: "Got any bread?" Barman says: "No, are you deaf, we haven't got any f*#@ing bread, ask me again and I'll nail your f*#@ing beak to the bar you irritating c*nt of a bird!" Duck says: "Got any nails?" Barman says: "No." Duck says: "Got any bread?

   

[stmichael]

Twenty years ago they used to call twenty white men chasing a black man the Klu Klux Klan. Now they call it formula 1.

[GRAHAM01]

sorry ladies and gents i didn`t know this jokes thread was on here and i started another i did have a little look as i thought there might be a jokes thread but didn`t find it

[dawson99]

Twenty years ago they used to call twenty white men chasing a black man the Klu Klux Klan. Now they call it formula 1.

[babu]

A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City,
where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at
the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the
value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights.
The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose
to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the
first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign
reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

"That's nice", she thinks, "but I want more."

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good
Looking.  "Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good
Looking and Help With Housework.  "Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims,
"I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous,
Help  with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where
the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no
men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are
impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives
store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited


   

[Ciggy]

A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City,
where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at
the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the
value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights.
The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose
to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the
first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign
reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

"That's nice", she thinks, "but I want more."

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good
Looking.  "Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good
Looking and Help With Housework.  "Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims,
"I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous,
Help  with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where
the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no
men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are
impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives
store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited


   

  very good 

[66-1112520797]

A man is having a wee in a public urinal troff, when suddenly another man comes bursting into the toilets. Unzipping his flies the man quickly heads for the urinal troff next to the man.

As he stands there, this fella whops out a trunk of a penis all of a  ten inch floppy.

Psssssssss .......... " Ahhhhhh I just made that" says the man.

The man standing next to him starring at the size of his weapon says ............. " You couldnt make me one could ya "

[dawson99]

Duck walks into a pub and orders a schooner of beer and a ham sandwich.
The barman looks at him and says, "But you're a duck".
"I see your eyes are working", replies the duck.
"And you talk!" exclaims the barman.
"I see your ears are working", says the duck,
"Now can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
"Certainly", says the barman, "sorry about that, it's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?".
"I'm working on the building site across the road", explains the duck.
Then the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves.
This continues for 2 weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town.The Ringleader of the circus comes into the pub and the barman says to him, "You're with the circus aren't you?, I know this duck that would be just brilliant in your circus, he talks, drinks beer and everything!".
"Sounds marvellous", says the ringleader, "get him to give me a call".
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey Mr Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money!"
"Yeah?", says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it?"
"At the circus", says the barman.
"The circus?" the duck enquires.
"That's right", replies the barman.
"The circus?" the duck asks again.
"Yes" says the barman
"That place with the big tent?" the duck enquires.
"Yeah" the barman replies.
"With all the animals?" the duck questioned.
"Of Course" the barman replies.
"With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle", asks the duck.
"That's right!" says the barman.
The duck looks confused.
"What the would they want with a plasterer?

[Dundalk]

Two oranges walk into a bar.
Your round, says the orange,
No your round   





















Ill get me coat