Liverpool FC Forum

[babu]

a rocket launches from houston with 2 monkeys and a women on board.

houston calls the 1st monkey: adjust oxygen 20%, stop radar, phase to warp factor 3. Monkey 1 replies ''ok done''.

Houston to 2nd monkey: switch off engine 3, and start radiation shield, adjust anti-gravitational throttle. Monkey 2 replies ''ok done''.

Houston to women: feed the monkeys and dont fucking touch anything!!

tell me again why you're such a hit with the ladies?

[Judge]

a rocket launches from houston with 2 monkeys and a women on board.

houston calls the 1st monkey: adjust oxygen 20%, stop radar, phase to warp factor 3. Monkey 1 replies ''ok done''.

Houston to 2nd monkey: switch off engine 3, and start radiation shield, adjust anti-gravitational throttle. Monkey 2 replies ''ok done''.

Houston to women: feed the monkeys and dont fucking touch anything!!

tell me again why you're such a hit with the ladies?

why ask me, talk to your missus




what does a dwarf get if he runs thru a womens legs?

a clit around the ear, a flap across the face and a crack on the head

[daxy1]

Bruce is driving over the Sydney Harbour Bridge one day when he sees
his girlfriend, Sheila about to throw herself off.

Bruce slams on the brakes and yells "Sheila, what the hell d'ya think
you're doing?"

Sheila turns around with a tear in her eye and says, "G'day Bruce. Ya
got me pregnant and so now I'm gonna kill myself."

Bruce gets a lump in his throat when he hears this. He says "Strewth
Sheila..... Not only are you a great but you're a real sport too."
and drives off.

[daxy1]

There's an Englishman, Irishman & a Scotsman all talking about their
teenage daughters.

The Englishman says "I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day
and I found a packet of cigarettes. I was really shocked as I didn't
even know she smoked".

The Scotsman says "That's nothing. I was cleaning my daughter's room
the other day when I came across a half full bottle of Vodka. I was
really shocked as I didn't even know she drank."

With that the Irishman says "Both of you have got nothing to worry
about. I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day when I found
packet of condoms. I was really shocked. I didn't even know she had a
willy."

[the ocelot]

The Pentagon recently found it had too many generals and offered an early retirement bonus.

They promised any general who retired immediately his full annual benefits plus $10,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points on the general's body, with the general getting to select any pair of points he wished.

The first general was from the Air Force. He asked the pension clerk to measure from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. Six feet. He walked out with a check for $720,000.

The second man, an Army general, asked the pension clerk to measure from the tip of his up-stretched hands to his toes. Eight feet. He walked out with a check for $960,000.

The third general was a grizzled old Marine from Texas. He told the pension man,

"Son, want you to measure from the tip of my penis all the way to my testicles."

The pension man suggested that perhaps the Marine general might like to reconsider, pointing out the nice checks the previous two generals had received.

The Marine general insisted,

"No sir, you heard right. Go ahead and measure."

The pension expert said that would be okay, but that he'd better get a medical officer to do the measuring. The medical officer attended and asked the general to drop 'em. He did. The medical officer placed the tape on the tip of the general's penis and began to work back.

"My God!" he said, "where are your testicles?"

"Vietnam," the general replied.

[dward]

[daxy1]

The Vicar's Chickens

Why you should make sure you think before you speak ...

The priest in a small Irish village loved his chickens that he kept in the coop behind the church.

One Sunday morning before mass, he went to feed the birds and discovered that the was missing.

He knew about the fights in the village, so he decided to question his parishioners in church.

During mass, he asked his congregation, "Has anybody got a ?"

All the men stood up.

"No, no, that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a ?"

All the women stood up.

"No, no, that wasn't what I meant either. Has anybody seen a that doesn't belong to them?"

Half the women stood up !

"No, no, no, that wasn't what I meant. What I really really mean is, has anybody seen MY ?"


Sixteen altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up.

[Kash_Mountain]

Heard this old one again, abit but took me back to primary school days.


Heard the joke about the butter? No

Well I won't tell you just in case you spread it.

[EddieC]

[daxy1]

Dogs lifeThree dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the
        >> veterinarian's. One of the dogs was hanging its head and sighing. >> The
>> second dog turned to him and asked: "What are you in here for,
>> buddy?" The dog looked depressed, "I'm in big trouble", he said, "My
>> owner has a really nice sports car with leather seats. I just love >> to
>> go for rides in it. Well, the other day, he took me for a ride and I
>> was so excited, I peed
>> on the nice leather seat. Now he's having me put to sleep."
>>
>> "I know how you feel", said the second dog. "My owners have a
>> beautiful, expensive oriental rug. The other day they were late
>> getting home from work and I just couldn't help myself... I all
>> over their nice carpet and ruined it. They're having me put to >> sleep,
>> too."
>>
>> Both dogs turned to the third dog in the waiting room. "So what are
>> you
>> here
>> for?" they asked.
>>
>> "Well," said the third dog, "my owner likes to do her housework in
>> the
>> nude.
>> The other day, she was vacuuming and she knelt down to vacuum under >> the
>> sofa, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and had >> the
>> ride
>> of my life!"
>>
>> The other dogs nodded in sympathy, "So she's having you put to >> sleep,
>> too,
>> huh?"
>>
>> "No," said the dog, "I'm having my nails clipped."

[basPSV]

was you hearing the joke about the liverpools fans with the eggs on their faces after PSV wins?

we will win you without alex no problems!!!

[daxy1]

was you hearing the joke about the liverpools fans with the eggs on their faces after PSV wins?

we will win you without alex no problems!!!

d!ck head you win joke of the year!

[basPSV]

it is happy to see the scouser humour for when you are losing in the champions league!

[passenmove]

53,000 Geordies meet in St James Park for a 'Geordies Are Not Stupid'
convention.

Alan Shearer addresses the crowd 'We are all here today to prove to
the world that Geordies are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer please ?'


Gazza gingerly works his way through the crowd and steps up to the
stage.

Shearer asks him 'What is 15 plus 15?' After 15 or 20 seconds Gazza
says, 'Eighteen!'

Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then the Geordies start
chanting 'Give him another chance! Give him another chance!'

Shearer says 'Well since we have a capacity crowd, world-wide press
and global broadcast media here, I think we can give him another chance.
So he asks 'What is 5 plus 5?' After nearly 30 seconds he eventually
says, 'Ninety?'

Shearer looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh. Everyone is
disheartened and Gazza starts crying. But then the 53,000 Geordies begin
to yell and wave their hands shouting 'GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HIM
ANOTHER CHANCE!'

Shearer, unsure whether he is now doing more harm than good eventually
says, ' What is 2 plus 2?'

Silence hangs over the stadium. Gazza closes his eyes, and after a
whole minute eventually says, 'Four?'

Pandemonium breaks out throughout the stadium as the Geordie crowd
stand to a man, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream
.............



'GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE!'

[Aaron]

Did you hear the joke about the bin???



















I'll not tell you its rubbish