Liverpool FC Forum

[66-1112520797]

I walked into a public toilet where I found two cubicles, of which one was already occupied. So I entered the other one, closed the door, dropped my trousers and sat down.

A voice came from the cubicle next to me: "Hello mate, how are you doing?"

I thought it a bit strange but not wanting to be rude I replied "Yeah, not too bad thanks."

After a short pause, I heard the voice again "So, what are you up to mate?"

Again I answered; somewhat reluctantly it must be said. Unsure what to say, I replied "Umm, just having a quick poo... How about yourself?"

I then heard the voice for the third time .....

"Sorry mate, I'll have to call you back. I've got some d*ckhead in the bog next to me answering everything I say."

Good one

[daxy1]

One day, three women were trekking through a jungle when they came across a violent, raging river. They had no idea how to cross. So the first woman decided to pray:

'Please, God, give me the strength to cross this river.' Immediately she grew enormous muscles in her arms and legs, and she managed to swim across the river in a couple of hours, nearly drowning twice.

The second woman saw this and she prayed 'Please, God, give me the strength AND the tools to cross this river.' A boat appeared from nowhere, and she battled across the river in an hour, nearly capsizing twice.

The third woman saw this and prayed 'Please, God, give me the strength, the tools AND the intelligence to cross this river.'
Immediately she turned into a man. He looked at the map, walked upstream a hundred yards, and crossed over the bridge to the other side.

[daxy1]

It was near the end of basic training and all the soldiers were getting ready for the war.
A private came charging into his Lieutenant's office and said " Lieutenant, we don't have enough rifles. What am I going to use for the war?"

"I don't have time to deal with this right now" the lieutenant thought.

He grabbed a broom, sawed off the bottom, and handed it to the solder. "Here use this instead."

"How is this going to work?"

"When you see the bad guys coming at you, just point it at them and say 'Bangity Bang Bang, Bang Bang'".

So the private ran out with his new "rifle". But soon he came running back to the Lieutenant saying "Lieutenant, we don't have enough bayonets!"

The Lieutenant grabbed a piece of string off of his desk and gave it the private. "When you see the bad guys coming just throw this at them and say 'Stabity Stab Stab, Stab Stab.'"

So the private was all ready for his war. He was sitting in a fox hole, hating being out there, when he saw an enemy creeping along the top of a nearby hill.

He grabbed his broom, pointed it at the bad guy and said "Bangity Bang Bang, Bang Bang Bangity Bang Bang, Bang Bang" and he fell down dead.

"Wow this really works" thought the private. He started going through the underbrush when another enemy jumped out and try to gut him - he threw his string at him and said, 'Stabbity Stab Stab, Stab Stab!'. The enemy fell down, dead.

Pretty soon, he saw another guy rampaging through the woods. He pointed his broomstick at him and yelled, 'Bangity Bang Bang, Bang Bang!' Nothing, so he did it again, 'Bangity Bang Bang, Bang Bang!' The guy was running at him now. He threw the string, Stabbit Stab Stab StabStab!' The enemy kept running at him and plowed him over, mortally wounding him.

Then he heard the big guy mumbling as he went past him "Tankity Tank Tank Tank Tank Tankity Tank Tank Tank Tank

[account deleted by request]

Seamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money; between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.

Murphy said "Hang on, I have an idea."
He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.

Seamus said "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!"

Murphy replied "Don't worry - just follow me"
He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.

Seamus said "Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!"

Murphy replied, with a smile "Don't worry; I have a plan, Cheers!"
They downed their drinks.

Murphy said "OK now, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth."
The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out. They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.

At the tenth pub Seamus said "Murphy - I don't think I can do any more o'this. I'm drunk and me knees are killing' me!"

Murphy said "How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third pub!"

[daxy1]

"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old man. "You always feel like you have to pee and most of the time you stand there and nothing comes out."

"Ah, that's nothin," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you don't have a bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!"

"Actually," said the 80-year -old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."

"Do you have trouble peeing, too?" asked the 60-year old.

"No, I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all."

"So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?"

"No, I have one every morning at 6:30."

Exasperated, the 60-year-old said, "You pee every morning at 6:00 and every morning at 6:30. So what's so bad about being 80?"

"I don't wake up until 7:00."

[account deleted by request]

[anfieldadorer]

Well there was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table that morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years."

"Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."

"I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago."

"Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say...should we?" Whereupon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.

"You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you as they were fifty years ago. "I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal.

[anfieldadorer]

Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on his computer. They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all of the bickering.

Finally God said, "Cool it. I am going to set up a test that will run two hours and I will judge who does the better job."

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away. They moused. They did spreadsheets. They wrote reports. They sent faxes. They sent e-mail. They sent out e-mail with attachments. They downloaded. They did some genealogy reports. They made cards. They did every known job. But ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, the rain poured and, of course, the electricity went off.

Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed. The electricity finally flickered back on and each of them restarted their computers.

Satan started searching frantically, screaming "It's gone! It's all gone! I lost everything when the power went out!"

Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours. Satan observed this and became irate.

"Wait! He cheated, how did he do it?"

God shrugged and said, "Jesus saves."

[daxy1]

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man,  was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off  all his hair.
On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.
On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army  has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

[babu]

An old lady gets pulled over for speeding...
>Old Lady: Is there a problem, Officer?
>Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
>Old Lady: Oh, I see.
>Officer: Can I see your license please?
>Old Lady: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
>Officer: Don't have one?
>Old Lady: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
>Officer: I see ... Can I see your vehicle registration papers, please?
>Old Lady: I can't do that.
>Officer: Why not?
>Old Lady: I stole this car.
>Officer: Stole it?
>Old Lady: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
>Officer: You what?
>Old Lady: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want
>to see.
>The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and
>calls for back up.
>Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car.
>A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn
>gun.
>Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!
>The woman steps out of her vehicle.
>Old Lady: Is there a problem sir?
>Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and
>murdered the owner.
>Old Lady: Murdered the owner?
>Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
>The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
>Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
>Old Lady: Yes, here are the registration papers.
>The officer is quite stunned.
>Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving
>llicense.
>The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands
>it to the officer.
>The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
>Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have
>a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up
>the owner.


>Old Lady: Bet the lying b.astard told you I was speeding, too.

[stmichael]

I went into the sex shop 2day and bought meself a Palestinian inflateable doll!

Got home and the f#cker blew itself up!

[clik]

man walks past a bakers and sees a sign on the door saying "pies 50p, wanks £1," so he enters shop and says to the gorgeous blonde "are you the one who gives a W*nk for a £1" she replies "yes" so the man says "well wash ya fu*kin hands i want a pie"

[dawson99]

David Hasselhoff walks into a bar and says to the barman

"from now, just call me the Hoff"

the barman replies " sure thing david, no hassle"

[Lando_Griffin]

What have Bernard Mathews and Freddie Mercury got in common?

They were both f*cked by infected c*cks.

(Sorry.   )

[Judge]

a rocket launches from houston with 2 monkeys and a women on board.

houston calls the 1st monkey: adjust oxygen 20%, stop radar, phase to warp factor 3. Monkey 1 replies ''ok done''.

Houston to 2nd monkey: switch off engine 3, and start radiation shield, adjust anti-gravitational throttle. Monkey 2 replies ''ok done''.

Houston to women: feed the monkeys and dont fucking touch anything!!