Liverpool FC Forum

[account deleted by request]

Doris and Fred had started their retirement years and decided to raise some extra cash by advertising for a lodger in their terrace house.
After a few days, a young attractive woman applied for the room and explained that she was a model working in a near-by city center studio for a few weeks and that she would like the room from Mondays to Thursdays, but would pay for the whole week.

Doris showed her the house and they agreed to start straight away.

"There's just one problem," explained the model. "Because of my job, I have to have a bath every night, and I notice you don't have a bath."

"That's not a problem," replied Doris. "We have a tin bath out in the yard and we bring it into the living room in front of the fire and fill it with hot water."

"What about your husband? asked the model.

"Oh, he plays darts most weekdays, so he will be out in the evenings," replied Doris.

"Good," said the model. "Now that that's been settled, I'll go to the studio and see you tonight."

That evening, Fred dutifully went to his darts match while Doris prepared the bath for the model. After stripping off, the model stepped into the bath. Doris was amazed to see that she had no pubic hair.

The model noticed Doris' staring eyes, so she smiled and explained that it is part of her job to shave herself, especially when modeling swimwear or underclothes.

Later when Fred returned, Doris related this oddity and he does not believe her.

"It's true, I tell you!" said Doris. "Look, if you don't believe me, tomorrow night I'll leave the curtains slightly open and you can peek in and see for yourself."

The next night, Fred left as usual and Doris prepared the bath for the model. As the model stepped naked into the bath, Doris stood behind her.

Doris looked towards the curtains and pointed towards the model's naked pubic area. Then she lifted up her skirt and wearing no panties, pointed to her own hairy mass.

Later Fred returned and they retired to bed.

"Well, do you believe me now?" she asked Fred. "Yes, he replied. "I've never seen anything like it in my life. But why did you lift up your skirt and show yourself?"

"Just to show you the difference," answered Doris. "But I guess you've seen me millions of times."

"Yes, said Fred, I have - but the rest of the dart team hadn't."

[account deleted by request]

Man reading book...?

A man and his wife got into bed for the night. The wife had curled up ready for sleep and the husband put his bed lamp on to read a book. As he was reading, he stopped and reached over to his wife and started fondling her pussy. He did this only for a very short while then stopped and went back to reading his book.

The wife got up and started stripping in front of him. The husband was confused and asked, "What the hell are doing, taking all your jammies off?" The wife replied, "You were playing with my pussy. I thought it was foreplay for
something a bit heavier".

The husband said, "Hell no! I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages.

[Effes]

Moses, Jesus and a very old man were out golfing one fine day.

Moses drives his ball and it bounced off a tree into a water hazard. So he parted the water and knocked the ball onto the green.

Jesus drives his ball and it bounced off two trees into the water. So he walked on the water and scooped his ball onto the green.

The very old man drives his ball and it bounced off a tree into the water, the ball was eaten by a fish, the fish swam to the surface and was snatched up by a bird, the bird flew upward and was struck by lightning, the fish fell from the sky onto the green, the ball bounced out of the fishes mouth, and the ball rolled into the hole.

Moses turned to Jesus and said, "I hate golfing with your dad."

           

[account deleted by request]

a man goes to visit his 85-year-old grandpa in the hospital.
"How are you grandpa?" he asks.
"Feeling fine," says the old man.
"What's the food like?"
"Terrific, wonderful menus."
"And the nursing?"
"Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take care
of you."
"What about sleeping? Do you sleep okay?"
"No problem at all --- nine hours solid every night. At 10
o'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra
tablet, and that's it. I go out like a light."
The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so he
rushes off to question the Nurse in charge. "What are you
people doing?" he asks. "I'm told you're giving an 85-year-old
Viagra on a daily basis. Surely that can't be true?"
"Oh, yes," replies the nurse. "Every night at 10 o'clock we give
him a cup of chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works
wonderfully well. The chocolate makes him sleep, and the
Viagra stops him rolling out of bed."

[account deleted by request]

A captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a desert outpost.
On his first day there he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied up at the back of the barracks.
He asked hi sergeant what this animal was for.
The sergeant replied, "Well, sir, we're a fair distance from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do, uh, we have the camel."
The captain thinks about this, and says, "Well, if it's good for morale, then I suppose it's all right with me."

After he has been at the fort for about six months, the captain became very frustrated himself.
Finally he could stand it no longer and so he told his sergeant, "Bring in the camel!"
The sarge shrugged his shoulders and led the camel into the captain's quarters.
The captain then got a foot stool and began to have vigorous sex with the camel.
As he stepped down, satisfied, and was buttoning his pants up, he asked the sergeant, "Is that how the enlisted men do it?"
The sergeant replied, "Well, no sir, they usually just use it to ride to the brothel in town."

[account deleted by request]

A city lawyer went duck hunting in a rural town. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer’s paddock on the other side of a fence.
As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer walked up to him and asked what he was doing.
The lawyer responded, “I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I’m going to retrieve it.”
The old farmer replied, “This is my property, and you are not coming over here.”
“I am one of the best trial attorneys in the country and if you don’t let me get that duck I’ll sue you and take everything you own,” boasted the lawyer.
The old farmer smiled. “Apparently, you don’t know how we do things up here. We settle small disagreements like this with the Three Kick Rule.”
“What’s that?” the lawyer asked.
“Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up.”
The attorney thought about it and figured he could take the old codger. So he agreed.
The old farmer walked up to the city feller and kicked him in the groin and dropped him to his knees.
His second kick nearly ripped the man’s nose off his face.
The third kick almost knocked the lawyer out of his wits.
The lawyer slowly got to his feet and said, “Okay, you old coot—now it’s my turn.”
The old farmer smiled and said, “Nah, I give up. You can have the duck.”

[Roger Red Hat]

Elton John is set to release a tribute song for Saddam hussain - Dangle in the wind

lol

[stmichael]

What do you call a black man flying a plane?












A pilot you f#cking racist.

[crouchaldinho]

why did the siamese twins go to america?




so the other one could drive for a bit!

[account deleted by request]

Scottish old timer in Scotland, in a bar, talking to a young
man. The old man says:

"Lad, look out there to the field. Do ya see that fence? Look how
well it's built. I built that fence stone by stone with me own
two hands. I piled it for months. But do they call me McGreggor-
the-Fence-Builder? Nooo.."

Then the old man gestured at the bar. "Look here at the bar. Do
ya see how smooth and just it is? I planed that surface down by
me own achin' back. I carved that wood with me own hard labor,
for eight days. But do they call me McGreggor-the-
Bar-builder? Nooo..."

Then the old man points out the window. "Hey, Laddy, look out to
sea. Do ya see that pier that stretches out as far as the eye can
see? I built that pier with the sweat off me back. I nailed it
board by board. But do they call me McGreggor-the-
Pier-Builder? Nooo..."

Then the old man looks around nervously, trying to make sure no
one is paying attention. He leans closer to the young man and
says "But ya **** one goat.......


I know I have posted this one before but it makes me laugh

[daxy1]

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss
program.
The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a
voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of
Nike running shoes and a sign round her neck.
She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.
The sign reads: If you can catch me, you can have me. Without a second
thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing
he finally catches her and has his way with her.
The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing
happens.
On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost
10lb. as promised.He then calls the company and orders their 5-day/20
pound program.
The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most
stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life.
She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her
neck that reads: If you catch me you can have me. Well, he's out the
door after her like a shot.
This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him a while to
catch her; but when he does, it's definitely worth every muscle cramp
and wheeze.
So for the next four days the same routine happens. Much to his delight,
on the fifth day he weighs himself only to discover that he has lost
another
20lb as promised.
He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50
pound program. "Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone
"This is our most rigorous program."
"Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."

The next day there's a knock at the door; when he opens it he finds
this huge, muscular, 7ft man standing there wearing nothing but pink
running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads: I'm Francis. If I
catch you, you're mine...

[daxy1]

Hazel was a 93-year-old woman, particularly despondent over the death of her husband, Earl.
She decided she would just kill herself and join him in death.

Thinking that it would be best to get it over quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and
made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was so badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and burden someone, she called
her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman.

The doctor told her, "Your heart would be just below your left breast."

Later that night Hazel was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her left knee.

[Judge]

englishman, irishman, scotsman are chatting.

englishman says ''my wife bought a car the other day and she hasnt even passed her test''.

scotsman says ''my wife went to health farm and shes not even fat''.

paddy says ''thats nothing, my wifes gone to ibiza, taken 30 condoms and she hasnt even got a cock!''.




Jade Goody has decided to change her name and adopt the muslim faith to prove she isnt racist. she wants to be known as ''Yaffat fooka''

[davo_LFC]

what do you call 4 fannys on top of each other???

A block of flaps...

[Woollyback]

I walked into a public toilet where I found two cubicles, of which one was already occupied. So I entered the other one, closed the door, dropped my trousers and sat down.

A voice came from the cubicle next to me: "Hello mate, how are you doing?"

I thought it a bit strange but not wanting to be rude I replied "Yeah, not too bad thanks."

After a short pause, I heard the voice again "So, what are you up to mate?"

Again I answered; somewhat reluctantly it must be said. Unsure what to say, I replied "Umm, just having a quick poo... How about yourself?"

I then heard the voice for the third time .....

"Sorry mate, I'll have to call you back. I've got some d*ckhead in the bog next to me answering everything I say."