Liverpool FC Forum

[Judge]

in honour of the newly announced gay marriages, Ikea are now selling lesbian beds..............there's no screwing involved, its just Tongue and Groove


   

[Judge]

Jesus came upon a small crowd who had surrounded a young woman they believed to be an adulteress. They were preparing to stone her to death.

To calm the situation, Jesus said: "Whoever is without sin among you, let them cast the first stone."

Suddenly, an old lady at the back of the crowd picked up a huge rock and lobbed it at the young woman, scoring a direct hit on her head. The unfortunate young lady collapsed dead on the spot.

Jesus looked over towards the old lady and said: "Do you know, Mother, sometimes you really piss me off."

[Judge]

A blonde and a redhead are watching the 6 o'clock news one evening. The redhead bets the blonde $50 that the man in the lead story, who is threatening to jump from a 40 story building, will jump. "I'll take that bet," the blonde replied.

A few minutes later, the newscaster breaks in to report that the man had, indeed, jumped from the building. The redhead, feeling sudden guilt for having bet on such an incident, turns to the blonde and tells her that she does not need to pay the $50.

"No, a bet's a bet," the blonde replies, "I owe you $50 dollars."

The redhead, feeling even more guilty, replies "No, you don't understand, I saw the 3:00 edition, so I knew how it was going to turn out."

"That's okay," the blonde replies, "I saw it earlier too, but I didn't think he'd do it again."



typical blonde

[Roger Red Hat]

Two women are new arrivals at the pearly gates and are comparing stories on how they died:
1st woman: "I froze to death.
2nd woman: "How horrible."
1st woman: "It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from
the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?"
2nd woman: "I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
1st woman: "So what happened?
2nd woman: "I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I
ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked every where, and finally I became so exhausted that I just
keeled over with a heart attack and died.
1st woman: "Too bad you didn't look in the freezer -- we'd both still be alive."

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WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
(because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapour
lock)

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A man walked into a supermarket with his zipper down. A lady cashier walked up to him and said, "Your barracks door is open." Not a phrase that men normally use, he went on his way looking a bit puzzled.

When he was about done shopping, a man came up and said, "Your fly is open." He zipped up and finished his shopping.

At the checkout, he intentionally got in the line where the lady was that told him about his "barracks door." He was planning to have a little fun with her; so when he reached the counter he said,
"When you saw my barracks door open, did you see a soldier standing in there at attention?"

The lady (naturally smarter than the man) thought for a moment and said, "No, no I didn't. All I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on a couple of old duffel bags.

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Hung Chow calls in to work and says, "Hey, boss I not come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomachache and my legs hurt. I not come work."

The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her give me sex. Makes everything better and I can go to work. You try."

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again: "Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house."

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[AussieKopite]

Class!!!

[Mikz]

More more!!

[GOAT]

VISITORS FROM A THIRD WORLD COUNTRY

A boy and his Father visiting from a third world country were at an American shopping mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again.

The boy asked his Father, "What is this Father?".

The Father responded, "Son I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don`t know what it is!".

While the boy and his Father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up.

They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened up again and a voluptuous 24-year-old woman stepped out.

The Father said to his son, "Go get your Mother".

[GOAT]

This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks.
What happens when you predict snow but don't get any?

There was a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, "So Bob, what happened to those 8 inches you promised me last night?"

Not only did Bob have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were bent over laughing.

[GOAT]

Superman is bored fighting crime everyday. So one Friday night he decides to go out in the town to have some fun. He drops by Batman's house.
'Hey Batman', he says 'Wanna' go out tonight?'

No I can't', replies Batman. 'The Batmobile is broken and I gotta' stay home and fix it, or else I won't be able to fight crime'.

'You loser,' says Superman and flies away. He decides to stop by Spiderman's house. 'Hey, Spidy, how about hitting the town tonight, you and me,' he says.

'I'd love to, but I can't', replies Spiderman. 'My web is broken and I gotta' fix it to fight crime'.

Superman, all disgusted says 'You loser. Stay home on a Friday night and fix your damn web'.

So he flies away. While flying from up above he spots Wonder Woman stark naked and lying down on her back spread-eagle. Superman thinks, 'Hey, I am Superman, I can fly down there at the speed of light, have a quickie and fly back out and she won't even feel it.'

Superman flies down, does a quick in-out-in-out and flies back out at the speed of light.

Wonder Woman says, 'What the hell was that?' The Invisible man says, 'I don't know but my ar.se is killing me!'